Fat to Phat

Afternoon delight?

2007-05-04T08:11:00.000-06:00

From my straddled position, I can feel the firmness beneath me. My legs, knees bent, begin that natural rhythm. Oh, God, What am I doing here?!? This isn't me! I don't do this sort of thing! But, it's too late. There's no turning back now. The heat begins to radiate throughout my body and the aching has begun. My breath increases with each up and down motion, accompanied by an excruciatingly loud heartbeat ringing in my ears. We turn and my mind screams "STOP", but my body just won't listen. And even as I miss my one opportunity to escape, the anticipation is continually mounting. My limbs begin to tingle and the heat is now a flame consuming me. My body glistens as the pace becomes more and more furious. Faster and faster, until I can no longer breathe. At any moment, my heart will burst. One last brutal pump and I finally reach that magnificent summit! Excitement overtakes me and I fall back to coast on the sheer delight of completion. A shiver washes over me and warmth settles over my entire frame. A whisper of shame hovers in the air around me as I dismount as casually as possible; legs trembling, face red, unable even to speak. Man, I can't wait to ride my bike again!

Almost back 100%

2007-04-30T15:15:00.000-06:00

<---- That's me right now! Well, maybe a little chunkier. ;) May will be a very busy month for me! Travel, my dad's knee surgery, a garage sale, my 10th wedding anniversary, life... I'm tired just thinking about it!

I am also trying desperately to rejoin the ranks of professional bloggers!! I am working on catching up with all my favorites, and there are so many!! But I am really looking forward to it.

Life has been pretty good the last week or so. I contacted a publishing company with my story idea and even started putting the ideas to paper (well, computer screen anyway!) Is it possible that I am the next J.K. Rowling?!? I guess we'll see! It would be extraordinary!!

I have officially found my household animal limit!! This past weekend we kept the in-laws dachshund while they were out of town. It was quite the experience! If you know me, then you also know that I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 hamster, 2 toads, 2 goldfish, a 75 gallon fish tank filled with very fruitful guppies, and 2 chicks that my daughter got for Easter! The addition of one more dog, even an itty bitty one, proved almost overwhelming! I had to take the dogs out in shifts as they would scatter if I took them all out at once. And you can forget the use of leashes in a any 2+ dog arrangement! Imagine the most ridiculous dog-walker you can. You know the one who is forced into a tree when the dogs split it or the one who falls and is subsequently pulled at least 10 feet more. Hold on to that image and insert my face and you can witness my weekend! I may have just been cured of my tenderhearted affinity for the animal shelters!

I got an email from a best friend who is about to return to Iraq for his THIRD tour of duty there! I am so worried. It seems like he is just pushing his luck!!

On the other hand, my brother in law will be coming home for a 2 week leave in just 10 days!! We are so excited! He left for his post in Iraq last June and we haven't seen him in so long. We can't wait!

And finally, another military friend just finished his final days of service and is planning a move to Orlando. He said we could come visit anytime we want!!!

Funny Friday Mail

2007-04-27T07:44:00.000-06:00

I got this in the mail. Don't think I will be using my GNC Gold Card anytime soon!!

Be sure to notice that it is all burnt up! Also, the date on it is 3/15/2005!!!
The back reads as follows:

Dear Valued Postal Customer:

I want to extend my sincere apology as your Plant Manager for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.

We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion.

The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen.

We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into mail-stream.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

PLANT MANAGER

?

2007-04-25T09:09:00.000-06:00

I guess this is a bit of free writing. I don't have a specific topic or issue to discuss. I suppose there are portions in your life that are literally just "living". It can't always be overtly terrible or even joyous all the time, huh?

There's little to report. My thoughts are wondering all over today. My grandmother is having some trouble with her heart but refuses to go to a cardiologist. She's not bedridden or anything, and I find that I am not really scared for her. She is my spiritual mother and I have always looked to her as a model of how a life should be. She has claimed to be ready to go to heaven for a while and says that she has more friends there than left here. She is not in pain and is merely going on with her life everyday. She just refuses any sort of excessive medical attention. She does seem to get weaker and weaker as her heart slowly fails, but she is content and so I am as well.

I am, however, trying to get back on track with my weight loss. I weighed myself yesterday and I have managed to put all my weight back on plus some!! I am up to an unhealthy 250.2 pounds! I have started to focus on just being healthy instead of trying to be "skinny". I am learning to love myself right now as a person. I've found that telling myself that I am pretty makes me feel pretty. I love the bedroom results I have had from telling myself that I am sexy!! ;) And so, does my husband!! So, I am working on making some smaller changes in my lifestyle and building up a plan for myself. Last weekend, I was invited to a small beach wedding for a best friend...in August. It's given me something to focus on. I have a lovely sun dress that I have "outgrown". I am hoping to be able to wear it for the event.

I haven't had much to say about the tragedy of Virginia Tech except that I am sorry that it happened. I can't say that I am surprised though. The world seems to become a more terrifying place each year. I get the feeling that these poor souls who commit these atrocities find them the only way that they can compete in our country. Our world focuses so much attention on all the bad things in the world, it's no wonder, it keeps getting worse! Okay, lets say I am trying desperately to make my way in this world. I want to make a mark so badly that I am willing to do anything to get my name in the history books. Which do you think will get the most press: the making of my first $1,000,000; my collection of over 30,000 cans of Silly String for US troops, or the murder/suicide of myself and 30 other people at my university? The question has already been answered this month. Each of these events has actually occurred within the last month. Which will be remembered? Which will be in our children's history books? Our society has managed to somehow taint glory itself. Instead of achieving glory in honor, in charity, or even in typical fame; individuals are attempting to attain glory in infamy. And the US gives it to them! You can see it in your nightly news, what gets the majority of air time? Scandal, Murder, Death, War. I can accept the presence of these things, but can't we find equal time for Faith, Joy, Kindness, Peace, Life!! If perhaps the Virginia Tech shooter had seen countless top stories of hope, humanity, and happiness, his response might have been different. I realize that this is definitely not the absolute answer to this tragedy, but isn't it just as possible?

Funny Friday

2007-04-19T22:09:00.000-06:00

Maintaining a healthy level of INSANITY!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water (with a serious face) whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Vanilla Thunder.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Be sure to name the dog "Cat"; the cat "Dog"; and the fish "Sushi".

21. Every time you pick up the butter knife, yell "FOUR!".

22. Go see a comic movie and weep hysterically.

23. Wear your socks over your shoes.

24. When you pass a car on the interstate, honk the horn then turn away from the passed vehicle and wave at the nothingness before you.

25. Smile every moment you're awake!

Here's to a wonderful weekend!!

Thoughts for Thursday

2007-04-19T08:10:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been really great for me! Some really amazing things have happened!

Phil and I are getting along great. I have stopped being so worried about all the little things. I have really started being aware of those moments when the fight that might ensure over an issue would be more harmful than the issue itself. Basically, I am choosing my battles. I am focusing on trying to discover what it is that I want for my life. I am not sweating the small stuff.

My mood has improved greatly. I am even enjoying house work!! My imagination has flourished and I feel as though I have had a visit from a muse. There are nights that I can't sleep as my thoughts are flying with writing ideas. I haven't started back on my exercise, but I am headed in the right direction.

Here's the huge kicker... I have quit my job at the Children's Hospital! I am applying for graduate school at the University of Central Arkansas. Now, the only problem is choosing a direction!! I have a bachelor's degree in Biology. I took the medical research route up to now and I enjoy it as long as I am in the laboratory. Unfortunately, Arkansas is not exactly a research hub and jobs are scarce. I have always had a passion for animals, and I am considering studies in that field. Completing my 2 year master's degree would coincide with the hopeful addition of a penguin exhibit at our local zoo and I would love to be in charge of it. My last choice is to teach. UCA has a Masters of Art in Teaching which would mean I could go directly into teaching science, but I am not sure that I am teacher material. I love kids and have volunteered on several occasions both at church and at my daughter's school. I am just not sure that I am right for a daily teaching position. Again, something more to consider, but I have until July to determine my direction.

Even though I am lacking a bit of direction, I feel great about everything! I have planned my birthday trip to see my cousin in Virginia with a weekend excursion to New York City!! I have a full summer ahead of me which includes a bit more travel and plenty of time to find my way.

Thanks to all of the wonderful support that everyone has given me lately. Michelle left me a wonderful, uplifting poem. Fatmom shared some wonderful insight. And all those of you, including, but definitely not limited to, Robyn, Jeannie, Christy, Tiffany, and so many others that have helped to keep me going by just a few words of kindness. Even the very odd comments left by a few strangers have made me smile. Thanks so much!!!!!!

My world is changing...

2007-04-12T12:36:00.000-06:00

I am on the verge of a major turning point in my life. Up to this point, I have tried my best to live up to the expectations of everyone around me. My friends were so certain that I would be the first to marry, and I was. My parents were so confident that I would be the first in our family with a college degree, and I was. My husband wanted a second income so badly that I settle for a job I did not truly want. My community wants me to be a dutiful citizen, volunteer, and role model, and I have pushed myself into commitments.

Gratefully, most of these pressures have had positive results. Some, on the other hand, have turned out to be disastrous. I have never truly focused all my energy and potential on what it is that I want out of life. It's an error that has left me completely uncertain of who I am and what it is I want! I have somewhere lost sight not only of my own personal goals, but also, of the very person I want to be. I feel as though I have become the worst possible version of myself; like my Pandora's Box has been opened and all the laziness, gluttony, discontent, indifference, and negativity has flooded my existence. I cannot blame my current reality on anyone who has pressured me in any way. I am responsible for the decisions I have made all my life and I can certainly make decisions that can change it all.

I, and I alone, am in charge of my joy; no one else has the control to create my happiness. My current reality; my weight, my marriage, my career, my depression; is not the definition of who I am. This current reality is nothing more than a reflection of my past decisions. I decided to overeat and not exercise. I decided to get married at 19 years old. I decided to take the very first job I was offered out of college even though I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. I decided to sit and dwell on all the things I don't have in my life and my unhappiness. I decided to retract my own joy!!

I have attracted all this bad energy by emitted bad energy. It's all about the universal Law of Attraction; like attracts like. You've seen it. If you wake up in a good mood, the day just seems to get better and better. All those good feelings are continually amplified throughout the day. If you stumped your toe when you got out of bed, your bad mood sets up a snowball effect that just gets worse and worse throughout the rest of the day. Whatever I am thinking and feeling today is creating my future.

My mentality toward my weight has been "I'm fat and I HAVE to change myself". I convince myself that losing weight is difficult and that I can't love myself unless I am skinny. I have told myself this so many times that I believe it and it becomes true. Losing weight becomes difficult and I don't love myself as a thick sister. I just create a poor self image that consumes me a bit more each time I fail. I continually confirm the thoughts instead of changing them, and so then I can't change myself.

My relationships have always suffered from my negative energy. I only acknowledge all the issues that I have with my friends, family, and especially, my husband. It's like finding a lose thread on a sweater at the beginning of the day. Throughout the day, you are painfully aware of this one thread. It bugs you; it annoys you; you know everyone sees it as well. So, you fret over it and fiddle with it all day long. By the time you get home, what has happened? That spot on the sweater has, of course, unravelled. This is what I do to people. I have fretted over the things that bug me about them. I lock onto their individual personality quirks or issues and they just seem to grow before my eyes. I lose sight of the things that first attracted me into a relationship with that person. This is what has plagued my marriage. I have lost sight of all the things that I love about Philip because I can only see all the things that I hate. He does not create nor destroy my happiness; I do that to myself. I have never truly let go of our past issues, never truly accepted his apologies; never helped him feel anything but the negativity that I expected him to do. So, I left him no positive reinforcement about what makes me happy; no affirmative response to the things he was doing right. I couldn't declare what I wanted from him so how could he possibly do it! I am married to a wonderful person, I just have to rediscover him and help him to do the same.

I took a job that I knew wasn't what I wanted to do. I took it because it was the first one offered to me. It didn't play to my strengths, my interests, or even my education. I went into the position with a sense of tolerance, "I will do this for a while even though I don't really like it, and hopefully something else will come along." I settled and then was surprised to find that there was no joy or even contentment in doing the job. Even though everyone there asserted I was doing a very, very good job, I hated getting up each morning, driving for an hour to sit at a desk for 8 hours shuffling paperwork and being rejected my people over the phone. I did it to myself, but I can change it myself.

Depression is a perfect reflection of this like attracts like mentality. Depression is a pit of despair that seems to deepen each day as you are constantly thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. You start to think you don't deserve happiness and again, you convince yourself that it's absolutely true!! I have done the same. I have looked back on the struggles of the past few years and regretted so many of my actions that it is so easy to believe that I am a weak or bad person. My health has suffered, my lifestyle has suffered, my very life has been put in danger because of my own mental state. Medical science has proved the power of positive thinking: the clinical use of placebos, the miracle of those who survive cancer, the regenerative power of the human body itself. Happy thoughts lead to a happier biochemistry and thus an happier body. On the other hand, despair, stress, worry, have been scientifically proven to weaken the immune system and therefore the body itself. I will not do this to myself any longer. I will not commit suicide by drowning in a sea of my own thoughts.

I have generated more attention toward the problems in my life, and have made the abundance in my life invisible. It's like an election where you love one candidate, but hate the other. We typically discuss all the things we dislike about the one instead of the things we like about the other. What happens? The negative publicity the one candidate receives can actually push them over the top to victory!! Energy flows where attention goes. I am redirecting my attention to the abundance in my life. I am redirecting all my energy toward the happiness that has eluded me.

I will express gratitude for the things that I have. I will embrace the power within myself to change. I will experience the potential to create my universe as I go along. I am the author of my destiny. The pen is in my hand and the outcome is whatever I chose. I just have to start writing.

So far, So good...

2007-03-25T09:49:00.000-06:00

Not much to report on the marriage front. We are living amicably enough; no arguments, a few talks. We'll see.

Of course, he's waiting on me hand and foot right now. It's a bit annoying, mostly because I am pretty sure that it is not a permanent adjustment. He has a lot of trouble talking to me about anything but trivialities, and any serious conversations we have about our problems have to be initiated by me. He did at least finally say he was sorry, but I asked him for what. I wanted to be sure that he knew exactly what had bothered me about the whole thing. I think he gets it. Now to just have him able to keep it in mind.

Everyone is on Spring Break right now, and there's an awful lot of awkward silence, especially when Megan is here too. The other issue is our trip back to my hometown later this week. My family is completely unaware of our current troubles, and so our plans haven't been changed to reflect them. My uncle got us a stay at the very bed and breakfast we honeymooned at almost 10 years ago; in the very same room! Thankfully, Megan will be staying there with us, so it will hopefully not be as difficult as I am expecting. The real challenge will be hiding all this from my family members for 4 days. The only reason for that is the intrusive nature of my family members. They would be trying desperately to "fix us". Love 'em, but oh how they butt in!!

Here's hoping my next posts are a bit more fun!!

WTH?!?

2007-03-22T00:22:00.000-06:00

"I hear what you are saying. What I get so confused about in these blogs is why people air their problems such as this. The people commenting in this section have no investment in your relationship. You should be talking to him, not posting a very personal, hurtful situation. Does he read your blog? Maybe this is part of the problem. You look for your comfort from anonymous friends, and not the person you devoted your life to. I don't get it." -an anonymous comment left on a previous post here.

Why do people seek advice from therapists?

Why do overweight people seek support groups?

Why do people call in to radio stations?

Why do people, for that matter, turn to friends and family for emotional stability?

It saddens me that you don't get it, and that is unfortunate. The answer is nothing more than a connection to others, ANY others, who share a common thread of humanity. If you can find even one stranger that can lift your spirits even for the briefest of moments it is so worthwhile to air your problems. If you can find even one faceless listener to provide you with an instant of understanding when you need it most, it is a wonder to share your personal, hurtful situations. If you can find even one anonymous friend to provide you with a few words of comfort it is a blessing.

And so, I am so sorry that you don't "get it", but it has proven a source of fellowship, inspiration, and solace to me many times before. I can only hope that those whom you have termed "people" know that I consider them friends.

Oh and by the way, thanks for the comment!

Finding Forgiveness

2007-03-21T23:23:00.000-06:00

The post title may be misleading in that forgiveness is not what I have found yet. What I have found is strength; the strength to tell him everything I needed him to hear; the strength to lay it all out on the line full force and with no sugar coating; the strength to take control of my life and my situation.

Currently, our marriage is a tight rope. One slight little jolt and we both fall off of it. That's the end; divorce. But, taking things slowly and carefully, we may be able to reach the other side safely and together.

We went out to dinner tonight in an attempt at talking. It was one of those times when you decide on a public place in the hopes of avoiding a scene. Three hours later, we returned home under the terms of a verbal agreement. I would stay for one final chance at a successful relationship with him. However, there are LOTS of specifics and, I suppose, conditions that we both require of each other. Some of the highlights of the conversation...

1. Pornography of an sort is no longer welcome in our marriage. It has only hurt us.
2. He must delete the "tainted" email account and get a new one; providing me with the password.
3. We must be completely honest with each other about everything. I've been no angel myself and so this one is important to both of us.
4. We sleep separately, but get up before our daughter so that she doesn't know.
5. He does not expect me to engage in any of the regular "wifely duties": I'm not doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying his bills, managing his schedule. It's an opportunity for him to see what contributions I make in our marriage.
6. He is invited to read my blog. As it's where I freely express myself, perhaps he can learn something about me in the process.
7. He understands and admits that regaining trust will take a very long time, but vehemently declares that he is willing to do it.
8. He agrees to find more time to spend with the family at home.
9. He agrees to take a more active role in Megan's education.
10. He actually wants to go back to church. Here's where I will struggle, I've been angry at Him too for a long time.

I have agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings for a while. I made sure he understood that this was certainly no victory over me, but an opportunity for him. The only thing I want for myself is a clear conscience in the fact that I truly did everything in my power to save my marriage. I don't feel that now. Anger has been my primary emotion these last few days, but I can't rely on any decision that I make in anger, especially where it concerns my daughter as well. I also have to take a long, hard look at myself as an individual, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. Now is the time to start doing a few things for each of these portions of my soul. It's the perfect opportunity to sort the real Kellie out of all the bullshit I have covered myself in over the years. I think this will certainly ease some of the resentment I have been carrying.

He knows I haven't forgiven him and he claims to understand my position completely. The coming months will definitely determine whether or not Philip and I can stay on that tight rope.

Hurt, Humiliated, Human.

2007-03-21T00:35:00.000-06:00

It's early on this Wednesday morning and I haven't slept yet. All I can think about is my failing marriage. I am afraid that the hatred I feel right now has hardened my heart. I can't feel anything but anger right now. I can't even look at him without wanting to make him bleed somehow. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. I want him to feel what I have been forced to feel these last few years. I want him to feel the humiliation of believing you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough. I want to make him suffer so that on the very slim chance I do eventually take him back, he'll remember this coldness. I am also angry that it appears up to me, yet again, to do the right thing. Why in the hell do I have to be the better person. I have forgiven him so many times already, why again, why now! Haven't I given him more than enough opportunities to change; to prove he loves me; and yet I am expected to do it again!! It's sickening to give all of yourself to someone only to have them chew you up, spit you out, and then believe that they deserve seconds. At what cost do I forgive him for this? What part of myself will I be sacrificing now? Can I seriously look at myself in a mirror if I allow him the opportunity to take advantage of me again? I have given 10 years of my life to this man, how much more do I have to give before it's my turn to be happy? I can't trust him, how can I be married to him? Why am I the one getting all the lectures from friends and even family?!? I just want him to understand how he makes me feel. I just want him to respect my feelings and take into consideration how the things he does affect me as a woman, as a wife, and as a human being. And if I truly believe that he is incapable of doing this, is it wrong for me to yearn to find someone else who can? He hasn't even said "I'm Sorry"!!! He just keeps trying to explain it away!! How can I forgive him when he doesn't even understand what he is doing to me?

A bit of clarification seems to be needed...

2007-03-20T23:07:00.000-06:00

My previous post mentioned my nonchalant attitude toward pornography, adult novelties, and adult clubs. Apparently, this is extremely ghastly to some of you and I have actually received some rather preachy emails about the sinful nature of these things. My response is two-fold. First, I can honestly say that the opinions of others rarely affect my personal life. I will always happily accept advice and even criticism, but that certainly doesn't mean that I will follow through on it. I live my life to the very best of my abilities and no one can make me feel otherwise. My second response is to soften the words I used in my frustration yesterday. I admittedly left the door wide open for responses and even some personal attacks based on some poor phrasing. I will clarify by saying that I am not by any means referencing materials that include overtly immoral and/or illegal activities. As far as I am concerned, the activities I am referring to can be used to invigorate a sex life, entice an intimate moment, or improve sexual performance. Research has shown that couples who are able to utilize these tools TOGETHER enjoy a much more vibrant and satisfying sex life. One the other hand, these tools have been proven to destroy relationships when used secretively by only one partner. It is the latter that is the problem in my marriage right now although the former was my original plan. I can, at least, admit to the use of the grittier and possibly more offensive terms in my previous post, but the sentiment is the same.

Thankfully, the negativity has only come to me directly via email. I am very grateful for the support of those who have responded here. It really, really, REALLY helps to let loose about what's going on in my life and hear a few words of kindness and strength right now.

Finally putting myself first...

2007-03-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

After confronting him, he asserts that he hasn't pursued anything in those emails in four years. He says that he immediately deletes them as soon as he receives them. However, I found that he had one of the girl's profiles saved to his account, a fact, which again, he says is from years ago when he thought I would seriously be interested in participating in a threesome!!! So, why the fuck didn't he remove himself from their mailing list or whatever he needed to do to get rid of these WEEKLY emails!!! So, I am either married to a man with intentions of cheating in the future, a man who is just too stupid to know how to properly manage his accounts, or a man who is so completely inconsiderate and disrespectful that he seriously doesn't think it is that important!! It comes down to just three questions that I am continually asking myself over this past week:

1. Is he ever going to change? Apparently, not. We have had these exact same issues for over four years now. He is dishonest and untrustworthy. He hides things from me. I have told him a thousand times that if he would just be honest and tell me up front, I wouldn't be so angry as when he hides shit and I have to find out for myself somehow. Pornography is the best example. I come from a very liberal home and I honestly have absolutely no problem with porn, sex toys, strip clubs, any of that stuff. He, on the other hand, comes from a very conservative background where such things are taboo. Obviously, he finds Internet porn illicit and exciting, definitely something I can understand, but when he feels he has to hide it from me, that's when I get my feelings so hurt. We've been together so long that he should know me well enough to know that I will not be as angry with the proffered truth than with having to find out for myself by having it pop up when I am helping my daughter with her homework or seeing him quickly close a screen when I walk into the room!! We agreed on just such an arrangement when we saw a marriage counselor a couple years ago!! God, how many other wives give their husbands an open invitation to visit porn sites?!?! This is just the most minimal of our trust issues, but my thinking is "If he is hiding this stupidity from me, what else is he hiding?!?"

2. Can I continue to live with him if he can't change? No, I honestly don't think that I can. If he's cheating or even planning to cheat, I can't stay married to him. If he is really that stupid, I can't raise him and teach him everything he needs to know. I have a child already! If he is just self-centered and can't see beyond his own life and needs then I can never live a fulfilling life with him. No, I can't be with him if he can't change. And, again, it is quite obviously that he either can't or won't change.

3. So what can I do about it? There is only one thing I can do about it...divorce. And so, I told him I wanted a divorce tonight. Of course he cried, fell to his knees, and announced that he had a surprise date planned for us on Wednesday. He pleaded with me to give him just one more chance, but he's had that chance so many times now and all he does is take it for granted that "one more chance" is always going to be there. I am through with always sacrificing myself and my dreams for him to just shit on them repeatedly like this. I am certain that it is over by the fact that I am completely unmoved and unfeeling about this final decision. I am not upset by the idea that my marriage may be over, but relieved to be leaving a relationship that has been an anchor around my neck for several years now and and left me so completely drained, disorientated, and disillusioned.

The problem now is fear. I don't know where I will go, what I will do, how I will survive... I haven't been completely on my own in so long and I am afraid. I worry about making the right decisions about Megan. I want her with me and I truly believe that she would be better off with me because of his schedule and weekend travel for work, but can I provide for her. Can I give her everything that she needs? Can I take her away from her father? She will not have any idea about why mommy left daddy and I will forever be the one that ruined her life. Can I seriously put her through all the custody and child support bullshit that I suffered as a child? I have assured him that I will not pursue a divorce until her school year is over. But, what happens after that?!?!

Lost and alone

2007-03-13T02:56:00.000-06:00

My husband has had a not-so-perfect past in the fidelity department. Blessedly, he has never had sex outside of our marriage (to my knowledge, anyway), but there has been more than enough other activity to damage my trust in him. Tonight, when I went to sign on to my Yahoo account, his was still logged on. He had gotten a new WEEKLY notice of his local matches with Yahoo Personals!!! Apparently, he has been actively searching for someone online!! WTF!!!

I hate him so much right now! But I am trying desperately to maintain my composure and figure out the best course of action. I am so angry! Why should I be made to feel so bad about myself when he is the one apparently fucking around!! I have been there for him throughout the last 10 years. I have followed him wherever he needed to go and I have devoted myself to forwarding his career over mine!! I have sacrificed so much in my life and this is the thanks I get. I feel like such an idiot! I am sick to my stomach! I can't believe that after all that we have been through and all the bullshit he's put me through that he still has the balls to be looking for someone else right under my fucking nose!!! I can't be here with him right now, but where the hell will I go? Do I take Megan with me? I just don't know what to do...

My 2 Cents

2007-03-01T13:46:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is just my own personal opinion, but why in the hell is the world so obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith?!? Our society makes the death of any celebrity into a circus, even going as far as to make fun of the deceased at every opportunity. Didn't they rag her enough when she was alive?!? And people just come out of the woodwork with these fantastic stories about their lost "friend". It's really sickening. I was certainly not a fan of hers in any sense, but this is getting truly ridiculous!! Why should we care if she is buried in Texas or the Bahamas when a tornado just flattened a small town in my state?!? Who cares if the father of her child is, as yet, unidentified? Have we suddenly lost the technology of DNA?!? Drop it already!!

I don't think I would be nearly as offended if the deaths of more noteworthy individuals made it into print more. During the same week of her death, we lost a Nobel Prize winner (Alan MacDiermid), the singer/musician who recorded the theme songs for Rawhide and Blazing Saddles (Frankie Laine), several important female leaders (like Harriet Woods & Molly Ivins), and a Motown musician who played back-up in 4/5 of all Motown recordings in the 1960's (Joe Hunter)!!!

Another severe example of this media bias makes me steam even now: Mother Teresa's death received far, far, FAR less press than that of Princess Di during that dreadful week back in 1997!!

Even more infuriating to me is the fact that the next most prominent death during the week of Anna Nicole's was that of a race horse!!!! OMG!! WTH?!?!

As I said, just my two cents worth...

New Month, New Blog, New Attitude!!

2007-02-28T16:12:00.000-06:00

I am giving myself a new beginning. I am wiping my failure slate clean and starting anew with the month of March. And, so, tomorrow is the kickoff of my participation in the Arkansas Fitness Challenge! It's a virtual "race" around the state of Arkansas lasting until May. I have joined Team Walk It Out here at Arkansas Children's Hospital in competition with another hospital, St. Vincent's. For every 30 minutes of aerobic activity, my virtual runner moves one city checkpoint on the web site's map. There are 30 city checkpoints on our virtual "tour" of the state. If you complete the tour before the 12 weeks is up, just start again!! I am so excited! It looks like tons of fun.

I have also committed to another month in the Make yourself a Priority in 2007 Challenge. I am officially announcing my goal here: I plan to walk for at least 30 minutes 3 times a week during the month of March. I will also attend 4 circuit training sessions at my gym during the month. I think that these are more than reasonable and highly attainable goals.

I have changed my blog as you can see, too. You may have noticed the turtle theme to the previous one and there was always a reason for that. It is how I chose to symbolize myself when I started this blog. I identified with them as you can read here. I have officially upgraded myself from a turtle to a robin. I have left my shell behind and I am planning to fly through this weight loss journey from here on in. The robin is my favorite bird because it is so prevalent in Arkansas and they are visual year round. There are a little overlooked with their more drabness than some of it's more colorful relatives. It has that lovely, warm red chest that seems to me to be it's secret beauty; it's tiny, treasured vanity. It doesn't have an outstanding singing voice but it is usually heard. Robins are family oriented and great parents that seem to have a bit of common sense. They are the bird that typically nests closer to the ground (those nests you find in your bushes around your home or see sneaking behind the signs in front of business are usually those of the robin). They are tenacious and will all but ignore humans most of the time, even in close proximity. See, I am a robin!!

So here's to making it matter in March!!!

Wednesday Wisdom

2007-02-14T13:45:00.000-06:00

Samuel Johnson: The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.

Unfortunately, I have already started to feel those chains of habit. And not just in my attempts at weight loss, in my life in general. They are suffocating the success I've had, my marriage, my job, my thought processes even!! Someone toss me a hacksaw, QUICK!!!

Well, it's an issue to continue working on. In the meantime, my schedule lends little time for update, but I find it may also be emphasizing those restraints lately as well. There has also been a bittersweet moment this week as the Children's Hospital lost a young cancer patient on Monday. Alex was so sweet and strong, but I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. It weighs on my mind alot. I never even met him personally; I just kept up with the brief journal entries that his mother made daily on his website. He touched me and I am grateful for it. His photos defied his illness as they portrayed a child with brilliant eyes and a shining smile even when he was so frail. I am blessed to have "known" him. He is finally free of his chains.

Funny Friday

2007-02-09T13:54:00.000-06:00

No, I haven't been whacked; it's just been insane during this first week of February. Bad weather kept me home on the 1st and 2nd. February 3rd was the Pirate Party we hosted for a few friends (more on that later with the photos!). Of course, the Super Bowl Party on Sunday the 4th. Then, there was the household illness for the three days that followed which had us all laid out. A small vehicle accident, a day of serious catch-up at my office, a dead pedometer battery that I have yet to replace, and here I am back online and trying to catch up on some of the many wonderful blogs that I usually read! Next week may be pretty tough as well with 4 traveling days for work, a holiday, and band trip....UGH!! Life goes on!!! I send more out later!!! ;)

Wednesday Wisdom

2007-01-31T08:36:00.000-06:00

Mark Twain: Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

I can certainly understand trying to overcome habits, especially those that are not only bad but also deeply ingrained. So, I just have to keep reprogramming my brain one small wire at a time. And so, an update on how I am planning to do just that!

1. I joined the Arkansas Fitness Challenge. I am so ready to start kickin some fellow Arkansan ass!!

2. I have created a challenge for my little girl. She is really kickin my ass!!

3. Since my January Challenge kicked my ass; I have made my 7500 steps per day goal my challenge for February too!!

4. My husband's ass has been kicked into shape and things are going so much more smoothly these days!!

5. I am planning to get a trainer and start purposefully kickin my own ass 3 days a week!!

Needless to say there is alot of ass gettin kicked around here!! Hopefully, by next month there will be alot less ass to kick!!!

Funny Friday

2007-01-26T10:56:00.000-06:00

CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Wednesday Wisdom

2007-01-24T09:58:00.002-06:00

Author unknown: The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.

We all know our weaknesses. We know exactly what calls us to a halt when we are driving along through life. I know mine. I know that I would stand outside the only Krispy Kreme in Arkansas all day everyday waiting on that beautiful red neon sign to light up. I know that it would be so easy to stop by there on my way to (and from) work every morning. But I can't!! I know that I can't!! It can be so frustrating to be so inundated with all the social pressures we have to face every day!!

The fashion industry says you have to be skinny to wear beautiful clothes, and we believe it!!
Fast food restaurants advertise everywhere and can be found in every single city in America touting their "healthy" menus of salads that are as high in calories as some of the smaller "less healthy" alternatives.
Your "no fat" alternatives may be no fat, but they are deceptively high in sugar and, thereby, calories.
There are literally 1000s of different weight loss programs and easily 1000s more people promoting each of them. How in the hell are we supposed to know what to do??
I don't have any idea just how many diet books are actually on the market!! Amazon.com pulled 96 titles with a search for the word "diet"!! 2552 listings on eBay!!!
In smaller cities, it is really hard to get fresh, organic produce! How are we to eat healthy foods that we can't even find!!
Exercise programs abound and gyms are prevalent, but it can easily get expensive and a personal trainer is typically out of the question!!

Yeah, I know it sounds like I am giving you all the reasons in the world why we should just say "F it!!", but on the contrary, I just wanted to point out all the "parking places" we have managed to overcome. Some of us may still be struggling with some of these, (I have trouble keeping my car from automatically pulling me into that Krispy Kreme) but we are all making progress in some way. So, here's a quick pat on the back to all you who continue to drive on toward success. I will catch up to you eventually!! ;)

May your stops be few and your speed bumps be small!!!

So, I laid it out for him...

2007-01-23T11:19:00.000-06:00

Well, remarkably enough, my hubby provided me with a perfect example of the differences in how we treat each other. It was brought up this morning with a promise to discuss it further this evening.

Here's what happened this morning. I hear the dogs whine in the dark of our room. I turn over to notice that the clock says 4:17. I hear him grunt and groan, but he still lies there. After several minutes of doggie cries, he gets up and struggles to find his pants. I hear lots of loud grumbling and even a curse or two before the bathroom light violently erupts in the bedroom. He leaves the door open while he urinates, and walks out out of the room pushing the door closed quickly and leaving the flood of fluorescent lights to cover both me and the bed. Upon his return, he again snaps the door closed, turns off the lights, and with a loud thud closes the bathroom door again. Finally, he plops back in the bed with me.

And here's what happened yesterday. I feel the nudge of our collie mix's nose and look up to see that it is 4:13 am. I gingerly roll myself out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom where I silently close the door before I flip on the light. Once finished, I turn the light back off before I carefully turn the doorknob to leave the bathroom. I locate my pajama pants and carry them to the living room, easing the bedroom door closed. I take the dogs out to relieve themselves and return to our living room where I lie on the couch and watch a little low-volume VH1 and pet the pooches until it's time for my alarm to go off at 5.

I had never noticed these differences before and may not have done so this time if it hadn't been back to back mornings. I brought this to his attention this morning. I told him that it was the love and respect that I have for him that told me to be as quiet as I could so that he could continue sleeping. I also pointed out, (and reassured myself as well), that I performed the very same job BEFORE he did it. I wanted to make sure that he didn't think that I had followed his bad morning with a good one just so I could say "See, how much better I treat you!" He said he was sorry and got a little angry when I muttered "you always are". (Yes, not productive, I know, but frustration can get mean sometimes.) So, then I tried to explain that it wasn't the words that were important; it was the actions. "Anyone can say I LOVE YOU; It's your job to make me feel like the words are actually true!!" I wanted to avoid an argument, this was all very congenial, so at this point we agreed to discuss it this evening.

Basically, I am keeping my hopes high. Unfortunately, his track record isn't the best. He does really well for a few weeks then it right back to the status quo!!

On a side note, I weighed this morning and last weeks debauchle only cost me the addition of 1 pound! I can live with that!!!

Back in the Saddle Again

2007-01-22T13:28:00.000-06:00

Okay, I am back in the game. I am not gonna dwell on the set-backs of last week. Notice that I didn't call them failures. That's because they weren't failures; they were challenges or trials or weaknesses or set-backs...whatever you want to call them. As long as I haven't given up on myself, I haven't failed. So, here I am. Ready to go. A little heavier perhaps, but a bit wiser hopefully.

My current issue is with my husband. Sometimes I think that I might actually be better off as a single mother. It often feels like I am already. To me, it's the little things that can be so important sometimes. Here are some things that I think would really make a difference in how I feel as a wife.

1. I'd like to have flowers sent to me for no reason. He has only sent me flowers twice in the 10 years we've been married: once when our daughter was born and again as an "I'm sorry" for a serious, serious screw up. My favorite flowers are carnations and daffodils. Come on!! I'm cheap!!

2. I'd like for him to take the initiative and actually cook a meal for the family once in a while. Even when he knows exactly what I have planned for the meal, he will still wait for me to cook it. And when he does head for the stove, he asks me 50 million questions: "What do you want?"; How do I _______?"; "Where is the ________?"..... I end up just getting frustrated and fixing it myself!! And I don't want to have to ASK him to help!! Basically, if I don't cook, we all starve!!

3. Help me manage our finances, PLEASE!!! I don't have enough time in my day to work 8 hours, manage the house, tend to the pets, support his career, AND keep track of the bills. It's just too much to handle and frankly, I am tired of doing it by myself!! You may not realize it, but they are your bills too, dear!!!

4. Realize when I am TRYING to be sexy and when I just want to be left the hell alone! There are so many times that I have tried to get his attention with subtlety. You know, that wild, wet headed temptress fresh from the shower or the sweet innocent on the pillow with the halo of hair around her face... Typically, I have to be spralled and naked to get him to say something!!

5. Plan a date for us! Please take me out somewhere!! And don't ask me what I want to do and where I want to eat. Surprise me. Romance me.

It's not that he is selfish. He's just so self-centered that he has no idea how much I have and continue to sacrifice for him. It's a problem we've had for a long, long, LONG time now and it just really bugs me so much sometimes that I actully start to wonder if I love him enough to keep putting up with it!!

Need help....

2007-01-21T18:27:00.000-06:00

As you may know, I work at Arkansas Children's Hospital. They are participating in the Arkansas Fitness Challenge in competition with some of the neighboring hospitals. The challenge is designed to promote health and fitness by logging distances for activities like walking, biking, etc. There a several teams to choose from, but I don't know any of the leaders. I am attempting to choose a team based on the teams name alone. I have narrowed the list by half, but can't decide between the remaining. Let me know which of these teams sounds like the most fun.

Fitness by Design
Team Walk it Out
Globo Gym Purple Cobras (hubby loves this one!)
Muffin Top Reduction Project
Body by Cake
Ever Fit
Team Flab U Less

Which would you choose?!?!

2007-01-19T11:49:00.000-06:00

Unknown Author: You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Funny Friday

2007-01-19T08:27:00.000-06:00

And yet, I am not feeling very funny. I am still in a rut. And it is not destined to get better with the coming weekend. I am chaperoning an overnight band trip beginning with this evening. Of course, I have packed a few snacks. Things like those 100 calorie snack packs and beef jerky are waiting in my trunk, but I will be eating out most of the weekend including the breakfast buffet at the hotel. I am almost scared of myself. I can't pick myself back up right now. I can't escape the mentality that "Well, I've already blown it this week, so I might as well keep going." That or the other wondrous thought: "I don't get to go out of town often and it is being paid for, so I can just live it up some!!" I know it's wrong; I know it, but that doesn't make it any less believable in my mind. How am I supposed to eat right when EVERYONE else with us will be eating WHATEVER they want. I always feels so self conscious in situations like this. I feel like if I am trying to eat healthy, everyone around is thinking to themselves about the band director's fat wife trying to lose weight. Strangely enough, I feel so much more comfortable eating the way a fat girl is "supposed" to be eating. Again, I know its a mental block, but it's a block the size of the Empire State Building and would seem to be impassable. I know it's my depression and my TOM that only compound the issues. I need to find a mantra. Something that I can say to myself at my lowest points that will lift my spirits and make me stop long enough to see that the actions I am considering are not necessarily good ones. Any suggestions?

Still feeling pretty crappy...

2007-01-18T09:08:00.000-06:00

I have been remiss in my posting the last few days, but this month's Red Dragon was quite ferocious and would not let me leave the house. I don't think details are necessary as most of my blogmates are female, so I won't share them.

I am also struggling with my depression this morning. I binged over the weekend and I am really hating myself for it now. I know that there is nothing to do but make today better, but it still feels like a serious failure when I was doing so well.

My steps at least improved over the weekend. I still have a bit of work to do to make those Saturday and Sunday stretches to 7500, but it is climbing a bit. I just didn't realize how much walking I actually do at work. Unfortunately, there are those two full days where all I did was rest on my couch with a heating pad on my belly; chocolate and beef jerky in my fists. I didn't even wear my pedometer, but I am certain that having rarely left that position my steps would have been pitiful anyway. I did put it on this morning, so we will see how it goes.

I wish more people realized that weight loss is more of a mental battle than a physical battle. I think it was Robyn who posted something like "Fat people already know everything they need to know to lose weight" (sorry about my poor quoting skills if that was all wrong). It's so true though. People who are desperate to lose weight already know all about things like calorie deficit, BMI, and cardiovascular health. We've tried all the diets and most of us have had some success, but we revert to our previous habits pretty quickly even though we KNOW that we have to stay on track to continue succeeding. I'd be willing to bet that the average obese individual knows more about the various aspects of diet, exercise, and weight loss, than most general physicians and even some physical trainers!!!

The same goes for me. I know exactly what I am supposed to do, but I can't seem to do it. I can't overcome my mentalalities toward overeating and laziness. If I can't overcome these, then I am destined to be this size forever, no matter what my goals or motivations are. I am not saying I want to quit trying, but it would be nice to be able to conquer my mind and stop letting it conquer me. So, I am headed to Barnes and Noble this afternoon to research some books that may be helpful. Here's hoping...

I apologize in advance...

2007-01-12T13:37:00.000-06:00

I am trying so hard avoid allowing the PMS demon to take over my body. I succumbed to a caffeine binder yesterday. Something I had all but given up completely and I just could absolutely not think of anything yesterday but coffee, Diet Coke, and chocolate. So, I gave in but I did my best to make them as healthy as possible. I gave up the Caramel Macchiato I really wanted and settled for a large French vanilla coffee with fat free milk and splenda. I gingerly sucked on 6 Cherry Cordial Hershey's Kisses last night. Only 6, but I made those suckers last!! Today, I enjoyed a Diet Coke and chef salad with fat free ranch for lunch, which I had to walk about a mile to enjoy with my mom at her office!!! I also caved in the hospital gift shop for more chocolate: 2 sugar free peanut butter cups (160 calories) and 2 sugar free pecan delights (130 calories) . I passed up all my faves there like the chocolate covered raisins, turtles, and cherry cordials. Again, I made those suckers last for an hour and a half by sucking on them!!!

I am struggling to stay chipper, but I just want to rip the head off of something!! I found out my research study is being audited and some issues have come up today that I wasn't expecting. UGH!!! I am having a hard time thinking nice thoughts about ANYBODY, too, so here is a list of the things that have bugged be about people the last couple of days!

1. If you can't walk in the shoes, DON'T WEAR THEM!! No one wants to see your ass wobble and stumble with each step; it's just annoying!

2. I shouldn't be able to smell your hideous perfume OUTSIDE of the elevator and BEFORE it reaches my floor!!

3. Just because it's your favorite song doesn't mean we all want to hear it. And we certainly don't want to hear you sing it!

4. Of course, I was holding that parking space for you. I was just stopped there with my blinker on so that you could just swoop in and settle.

5. And, yes, I did wave at you with one finger!

6. If you don't make your kid stop pushing all the buttons on the elevator, I am gonna push him out myself on the next floor!

7. Yes, honey, I am so glad you called. Of course, I know where your keys are. Don't you remember? I took them from you right after I changed your diaper and breastfed you last night!!

8. Yes, Lord, please grant me all the wonders of menstration, pregnancy, and childbirth. And thank you for just giving my husband kidney stones. I am so sorry that my great, great, great, great, great, great, great.....grandmother "made" her husband eat that fruit. [And, yes, I do believe that He has a sense of humor!!]

Sorry, apparently the demon did attempt a possession.

2007-01-11T13:11:00.000-06:00

So many whys.

2007-01-11T09:41:00.000-06:00

Have you ever come to a point where you start to ask yourself, "What the hell is the purpose of it all?"

A purpose...why do I have to have a purpose? Why do I feel like there has to be some final destination to my life which is affected by every aspect of everyday living? If I am overweight when I die, will God care? Have I mistreated my "temple" by being obese? Why do I have to continually remind myself of the reasons for this journey to thinness? What the hell are my reasons? Why am I doing this?

Granted, there are days when I feel so healthy and strong. On those days, it's easy to stop the inner questions by citing the feeling itself. "I do this because it makes me feel good." But, there are many more days when I am forced to deny myself "No, you can't have that, you're on a diet"; "You can't wear that because you are too fat"; "You have to be skinny to be attractive". Of course, the next question I always ask myself is "Why?".

Why do I need to lose weight?
Why do I hate the way I look?
Why can't I just eat whatever I want?
Why am I punishing myself when I know it makes no difference to eternity?
Why do I care what everyone else sees when they look at me?
Why can't I change?
Why?

I am a biologist. I understand the potential health risks. I know the literature. Hell, I've even written some of it myself! But, I have no health problems; no real family history of health problems; no physical restraints due to my weight.

I am a outgoing person. People like me and I have never had any real enemies. I get along great with everyone and I am extremely personable. I am happily married and don't require that model's physique to catch a man. I may suffer from depression at times, but I can even hide that from most with an Oscar-winning performance of happiness. I have a successful career and decent social life. My weight has never made a negative impact on any relationship save one: my relationship with myself.

I have never been athletic and have no interest in sports. I can't even stand to watch them on television. I have no desire to train for a 5K or a triathlon or body building championship. I just don't feel that competitive drive. I don't find sweat appealing or invigorating; it's just sweat. Exercise is just a synonym for work that I don't get paid for and I really find it hard to rationalize its necessity at times.

I have always hated the idea of conformity. I can't stand the thought of one ideal body type that I am supposed to be in order to be considered beautiful. I hate to feel pressured to do something just because society embraces it. The idea that I have to change my appearance to appease other people sickens me. I shouldn't have to adjust my lifestyle to live in this world; especially when it won't matter at all in the next!

So, Why? Why is weight loss so important? Why am I doing it?

Every question I have can be answered with the same word: Megan.

Why do I need to lose weight? So that Megan will have a healthy role model to emulate. It is my responsibility to teach her how to take care of herself. It is my responsibility to decrease her chances of health issues later. Her health as an adult actually depends on my health now!!

Why do I hate the way I look? Because, I feel like I have let Megan down. I worry that eventually she will see me as a "woman" and not her mother. She will include me in society's comparison of ideals. I fear that she will someday actually dread the idea that she may become her mother.

Why can't I just eat whatever I want? Because Megan would do it to. She would think that gluttony is fine and that food is just food, no matter its nutritional value or lack thereof.

Why am I punishing myself when I know it makes no difference to eternity? My job here is to teach my child. If I fail to guide her, I have failed in my life's work. And what am I to answer when He asks me why I have taught her gluttony instead of grace, selfishness instead of self sacrifice; food instead of faith.

Why do I care what everyone else sees when they look at me? People not only see me, they see my husband and daughter as well. They see who I am and judge who Megan will be. I am a reflection of the strengths and weaknesses that I will pass on to her.

Why can't I change? Because I never truly believed that I needed to. I never had a reason to believe that my overindulgence affected anyone, even myself. I didn't realize how much Megan needs me: needs me to be around as long as possible; needs me to teach her; needs me to show her the world and all that's in it.

Why? Megan. She is the one that makes it all worthwhile. She is the reason to become the very best mother that I can possibly be. She is my ultimate goal. She is my strength. She is my triumph. She is my purpose. She is my "why".

The Fridge Revisited

2007-01-09T19:28:00.000-06:00

So, here are the photos of my lovely, happy, healthy fridge for the group challenge. I went shopping late last week, but it doesn't seem like it!! But, most of it's healthy and what's not is considered my hubby's though I did manage to get him to switch to some more healthy versions of certain things! ;)

Freezer door: veggies (cauliflower, broccoli, corn, corn on the cob), strawberries, cheeses, pre-portioned chicken and ground beef. Freezer: breads (all whole wheat), healthy choice dinners, sugar, flour, chicken breasts, and a Harvest Wheat pizza by DiGiorno (it's awesome!!)

The door: (only the bottom shelf is mine!) sugar free strawberry preserves, mustards (dijon, spicy, brown, and regular...I LOVE MUSTARD!!), and fat free salad dressings. Note: the nightcrawlers have been moved to a solitary position in that top nook beside the egg shelf!

The belly of the beast: Here you'll find my 2 fave discoveries, Fleischman's olive oil based spread and Cool Whip free; milks, both fat free for me and 2% for the other 2; the meat cheese drawer (low fat ham, low fat cheeses or single 1 ounce serving sizes); whole wheat bread, a bowl of washed grapes (thanks for the great idea Jeanie, this thing was full 3 days ago!!!); then theres my hubby's leftover pot pie and his butter, the country crock; diet sodas; baby carrots, a ready-made salad for dinner, the crispers have onion, sweet pototoes, bell peppers, mushrooms, tomatos, and the flower bulbs remain.

I COMPLETED MY FIRST GOAL!!

2007-01-09T11:09:00.000-06:00

OMG!! I have actually completed the Holiday Challenge at work! I have lost 15 pounds over the holidays and I still don't weigh in at work until Friday!! I have never, EVER set a goal like this and actually achieved it!! I feel like I am already skinny!! How wonderful!!

On top of that, 2 coworkers asked me if I had lost weight and what I was doing. Keep in mind that these 2 were not together and approached me at different times... Basically, 2 people noticed a change in me that I didn't realize was evident yet!! I have always felt so self concious talking to anybody about my weight loss but I found myself just going on and on about the Nutrisystem program! I talked to them freely and openly about the foods and even sent them each a buddy program coupon!! OMG! I sounded alot like one of the hyper chicks from the commercials!!!

Then, last night I went to put my pjs on I noticed that my khakis were a bit loose. I tugged on them and actually managed to slip them easily off my hips WITHOUT UNBUTTONING THEM!! HOLY CRAP!! I am losing weight!!!! I really am!!! I am actually going to have to buy a belt!! An accessory that I haven't owned in years!!!

I am high as a kite right now! I can't imagine this feeling has illuded me for so long!! I walked 8913 steps yesterday, drank 76 ounces of water, weighed in and I had lost the last pound or so for my challenge!!! I could only feel better if I won the $200 prize drawing for it too!!

My next minigoal is to lose 14 more by February 14th!

WOOOHOOO!!!!

"I'm gonna be skinny...I'm gonna be skinny..."

Weekend Update

2007-01-08T10:55:00.000-06:00

Apparently, I need some serious work on my weekend activities if I am gonna be PHAT someday!!! Here are some of the things I learned this weekend.

1. Yoplait Whips Dolce de Leche yogurt is good for you; as long as you don't eat 4 of them in one day!!

2. Apparently, my lazy butt moves around far more at work than at home. Saturday, I only logged 3669 steps!! And I walked the dogs, did dishes, folded laundry. I gotta figure out where to locate about 3500 more steps on the weekends!!

3. A buffet around a BBQ grill is still a buffet and should be treated as such. A friend of my parents came in from New Mexico and he prepared the most wonderful meal on the grill including some authentic Mexican dishes that were absolutely delightful!! Everything was grilled and no fat was added but he started at 1 and we were still eating at 4!!! It was so good! Corn on the cob, onions, tomatoes, jalapenos, rib eye steaks, tortillas, goat cheese.... I get full again just thinking about it!! I have no idea how much I ate, but I am certain that it was too much!

4. You can't log your steps without wearing your pedometer. I kept my little nephew overnight Saturday, and I forgot all about my pedometer until Sunday evening! So, as "punishment", and a reminder to put it on in the mornings, I only logged the 2007 steps I managed to count officially. I know there were many more that I missed that morning but I can't be sure how many so, I will keep myself honest and only include the ones I can account for.

5. Jalapenos, coffee, and roughage DO NOT MIX!! I am not feeling so good in my lower stomach region, if you know what I mean!!!

Otherwise, I had a great weekend of fellowship with family and friends.

Funny Friday

2007-01-05T09:12:00.000-06:00

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Hey Kool-Aid!!!

2007-01-04T22:09:00.000-06:00

Okay, I decided to do my before pictures. I thought that this would be a great way to keep myself motivated. I haven't allowed a picture to be taken of me for a very, very, VERY long time, so this is quite a big deal!! I decided to wear these lovely Christmas pajamas that I got as a gift this year. It turns out they were a bit too small to wear to bed comfortably as you will soon see. Also, I thought the Christmas theme would be interesting as I am shooting for my goal weight by next New Year's. What a Christmas card it would make, huh!!!

Needless to say, my husband was quite shocked about my pic request. So, following my long standing camera aversion, he took the opportunity to take numerous "retakes". This last one above actually turned out okay even though I am not wearing make up and my dog's hair looks so much better than mine!! I may even print some copies of these up for additional motivation around the house!!!

Dirty, Stinkin, Rotten, Tricksters....

2007-01-04T11:15:00.000-06:00

Be careful that what you think is going to be good for you, actually is!! Read up on all your restaurant choices BEFORE you head out! You can be deceived even if it's unintentional!! Last night, after 3 hours of grocery shopping, my tummy yelled "Feed Me!!". My schedule and the lack of groceries in my home, made my caloric intake quite low yesterday and I hadn't eaten since leaving the house at 6. By 9:15, I was starving so I started to survey my surroundings for a healthy, low cal, low fat item. I decided on frozen yogurt. Blast!! The TCBY was closed and I had already promised my stomach that treat and it was really demanding it now!! I tried to tell it to "shut up" but it just wouldn't listen!! I tried Baskin Robbins, they at least have sherbet... CLOSED. I got home and unloaded the groceries to the rhythm of belly grumbles. I had hoped the monster would forget that promise, but it was definitely holding me to it!! The only thing open was Sonic, but I had heard they had a fat free smoothie. It was true and so I ordered it feeling pretty darn good about myself as my husband gulped down his large chocolate malt. The creature finally satisfied, I slept very well last night.

Now, I have a little notebook I keep with me where I jot down everything that I eat, what I did that day, and how much water I drink. I also have a FitDay program where I enter EVERYTHING and keep count of all my nutritional values and calories in and out, etc. So, I have too look up anything that is not Nutrisystem or prepared by me. I almost fell out of my office chair this morning when I pulled up the Sonic website! That 14 oz. Smoothie cost me 460 calories!!! Holy crap!! I could have probably had a small scoop of real ice cream for that!!! I had been doing so well and had been staying within my max for so long now!! I hesitantly entered my meals from yesterday and watched the totals rise....1,416 total calories!! I actually came in well under my goal!!! Plus, that smoothie was fat free and packed with vitamins and calcium!! WOOOHOOO!!!! I don't have to sue them after all!!!

The moral of this story is:

If you are eating out, choose your restaurant in advance.

Try to find nutritional info online and decide on what you'll have before you leave.

Stick to your choices!!

Overslept, but just had to share this before work...

2007-01-04T08:12:00.000-06:00

"Every time I see a skinny girl, I think that's what my momma's gonna look like soon!"

OMG!! Do I have the best kid or what?!?! And gorgeous too!!! Anyway, I told her about all the nice things everyone had posted here about her and she just had to see it!! I can rent her out as a personal trainer to anyone interested for just the cost of room, board, and travel to get her to you!!! ;)

Fridge Group Challenge

2007-01-03T22:00:00.000-06:00

Okay, so the group challenge for the MYaP blog was to photograph your fridge in all it's temptation-filled glory. Then we have one week to clean it out, stock it with healthy stuff, and post the diet-friendly fridge pics. So...

*********************************

Here's the freezer with its strawberries, corn on the cob, portioned out chicken breasts, a couple healthy choice meals, some farm fresh black eyed peas, asiago and Romano cheeses, an empty taquitos box (WTH?!?!), and bags of flour and sugar that were bought for holiday recipes and then not really needed. (I really don't fix much of anything from scratch except on special occasions!!)

Here's the door. The only things I claim responsibility for or contact with is any of the mustards, all the fat free dressings at the bottom, and the picante sauce (I love the stuff!!). Everything else (chocolate syrup, ketchup, jelly, BBQ sauces, etc) are either Phil's or Megan's. Notice the 2 very lonely eggs up top!! I can do with or without them, and NS comes with a pretty good powder egg breakfast!!

And here's the really embarrassing part!! :0

All those plastic tubs you see...that's our fancy Tupperware filled with the last few nights leftovers. That jug of milk has soured, we've just kinda covered it up with tea pitchers that are now emptied! The upper drawer is the meat cabinet with my hubby's sandwich stuff (ham, cheese, hot dogs). That bottom left drawer has a couple onions and my daffodil bulbs I never got around to planting last year. :( The bottom right drawer has the last bit of my hubby's cranberry grape juice (gag!) and a tub on nightcrawlers (not for eating; for fishing!) It's very obvious that we haven't gone grocery shopping since before the holidays, huh?!?

Boy, do I have some cleaning to do!! I just hope those nightcrawlers haven't escaped again!!!

...just had to post this...

2007-01-03T12:58:00.000-06:00

BATHROOM SCALE DIET TRICKS

1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight!

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry as it could weigh as much as a pound!

4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).

7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)

8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.

Wednesday Wisdom

2007-01-03T08:39:00.000-06:00

The sovereign invigorator of the body is exercise, and of all the exercises walking is the best. - Thomas Jefferson

Now who is going to argue with our third president and one of our founding fathers! And he lived to be 83!! Jefferson believed that the object of walking was to relax the mind. He advocated a walking regime that included a brisk morning walk to "shake off sleep" and an afternoon walk of about 30 minutes so as to render it a "habit [that] will soon reconcile it to health". This time was to be used for clearing the head and to divert you attention for a time toward your surroundings. In a time when scholarship was so important, he maintained that "Health must not be sacrificed to learning."

Look out Billy Blanks and Richard Simmons!! Here comes the Thomas Jefferson Presidential Workout. Beware, Michael Jordan! The Founding Father tennis shoe line may be breaking out soon!!

Anyway, I have managed to walked to my goal of 7500 steps the last couple days and I feel great! My daughter has been going for evening walks with me and we even took the dogs with us last night. She's really enjoying the private time together and has really been a great little trainer too. She hugged me this morning and said "Momma, I can put my arms all the way around you!!" I think I am gonna consider this a Non-Scale Victory!! I was about 160 steps short of my daily quota last night after she went to bed and so I just walked circles around my living room while watching "Whose Line is it Anyway" until I had all my steps in! My hubby looked at me like I was crazy, but he didn't say a word!! I am headed to the gym today for my first resistance training session. Then there is the grocery shopping to do this evening. If you ask me, being a mom should burn a whole lot more calories than it actually does!!

An ode to 2007.

2007-01-02T13:48:00.000-06:00

January first

could be the worst

or it could change my life.

Dieting, walking,

blogging, and talking

could save me lots of strife.

I hardly know

which way to go

and yet I walk on through.

My pants, now tight;

not nearly light;

I can't keep chasing food.

Put down the spoon
you lazy loon
and get your butt outside.

Trim off the fat.

I'm done with that.

Next year, I won't be wide!!

Those Krispy Kremes

won't make me scream

and I won't eat a one.

'Cause I'll be thin

and set to win

when 07's said and done.

Some Resolutions...

2006-12-30T23:25:00.001-06:00

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I will get in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I will gain the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I will recognize that in some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. I will understand that my intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I will not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. If someone hurts me, I will acknowledge that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, though not nearly as rewarding.

8. I will become one with my duality.

9. I will be more flexible, for then I can tie myself in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I will honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. I will maintain that a scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

16. I will feel secure in the fact that the complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I will walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Here's to a promising New Year to all!!!

Challenges for 2007!!

2006-12-29T12:50:00.000-06:00

I stumbled across a group blog entitled 12 Months of Health, Fitness, and Fun . This looked so interesting that I just had to join in and share it! It's very different from anything I've seen online so far. Each participant sets a different monthly priority for 2007. Once set, you are assigned a partner from the group and you pair up to support each other in reaching whatever your goal may be. It could be something as simple as drinking 8 glasses of water per day to something as specific at and entire fitness plan for the month!! At the end of the month, you send each other a special award or trinket for attaining their goal.

It looks like a great way to reinforce those unique bonds we create here in cyberspace and to expand your support group a bit!! Currently, there are 13 participants (I just submitted mine, so I'm not on there yet) and I am sure that there is room for many more!!

My goal for January incorporates my step challenge. I aim to step at least 7500 steps per day during the month of January!! Wish me luck!!

Funny Friday

2006-12-29T09:53:00.000-06:00

Amazingly enough, this isn't true this week!! I actually have lost 4 pounds since returning to program on Wednesday!! WTH?!?! I have a fellow blogger that weighs herself everyday and I would expect a minute daily change, but DAMN!! Granted, I have been a bit sick to my {lower} stomach the last couple days which have resulted in a tremendous amount of private time in my restroom. I'm not going to complain!! It just puts me that much closer to the target challenge goal of 15 pounds by January 12. If I can reach that at the official weigh-in, I will be entered into a drawing for a $200 gift certificate!! Only 4.8 pounds to go and 2 weeks to do it in!!

Speaking of challenges, I have added a new ticker here. I challenged Annieann77 to a Step Off. We both have new pedometers and are aiming for a tremendous number of steps (232500 to be exact!!) completed during January! If anyone else is interested, jump right in, but be warned there may be some trash talking!!! ;)

Annieann77, you better look out, girl!! I practiced yesterday and I logged 8,954 steps!!! I am gonna walk all over your tail!! ;)

Now, I'm off to enjoy a long weekend, a couple margaritas, and hopefully, a nice grilled chicken breast!!

Who yo daddy?

2006-12-28T03:43:00.000-06:00

Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Dada
Why You Love Him: He knows best

Who's" Your Daddy?

Wow! This explains alot!! Maybe I should just succumb to the dark side!!!!

Teaser Thursday

2006-12-27T15:21:00.000-06:00

I am a movie fanatic and I absolutely love to keep up with the coming attractions. I have started to notice that you get so little mention of movies with budgets less than $100 million these days, so in the spirit of sharing, I present Teaser Thursday. It's a chance for me to share some of the not-so-blockbusters (and some of the more anticipated ones, too, of course) on the horizon. Keep in mind, I am not a professional critic, nor have I any advanced knowledge or access to these films. This is only an expression of interest in these pictures based on their trailers as posted on their respective websites!!!

Miss Potter

The Weinstein Company

January 5, 2007

http://www.potter-movie.com/

Starring: Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, Emily Watson, Barbara Flynn, Bill Paterson, Lloyd Owen

I have always loved "The Tale of Peter Rabbit", but I have never even considered the life of it's author and artist Beatrix Potter. This looks to be the enchanting tale of her life during the publication of her world-renowned children's book. A love affair and subsequent proposal from an oddly mustached suitor (Ewan McGregor) results in family tensions and societal pressure. Miss Potter finds strength and independence following "tragedy and loneliness"; a statement that leaves me in fear of a tearful ending that has likely resulted in this movie's classification as a drama and not a romantic comedy. A cast of wonderfully charming actors only increases my urge to see this one!!

In case you didn't notice, the time now is 3:26 AM. For some reason, my eyes just popped open this morning and I can't get back to sleep. Maybe I am excited because my daughter is going to work with me today. Or maybe I just went to bed a bit too early last night (around 9; many more hours sleep than I am used to getting!!) Either way, here I sit with little else on my mind so I find myself surfing the web and trying to just stay up a couple more hours until it's time to rouse the family. I wonder if there is anything worthwhile on television...

Wednesday Wisdom

2006-12-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up. - Vince Lombardi

Dragging myself up out of the quagmire of overindulgence is not very easy. I still have to look at all the wonderful sweet things that I love lying all over the house. Cordial cherries, egg nog, holiday cookies all seem to be staring at me from every corner of my home. Ugh!! But, I am going to face those temptations and attempt to stand back up, stronger and wiser!

I weighed myself this morning to find that the holidays were not good to me. I have gained almost 6 pounds back since November. On the bright side, at least I didn't gain back all 12 that I had lost so it's still a great jumping off point for the new year!! It put my fat tail back up on that diet wagon though!! I am starting out fresh again and have settled on a couple new strategies to go along with 2007. My hubby teaches so he has quite a bit more time off for the holidays than I so I have set him a research assignment for today. He is to read over my fitness contract and try to think up some ways to be more supportive and helpful with my new lifestyle change. I have appointed him my unofficial trainer. I think by keeping him up-to-date on my progress will help him to become a bit more sympathetic to my struggle and maybe even influence him too. We'll see...

Now, to a new grievance: Have you ever just wanted to beat the hell outta someone? I almost succumbed to road rage on my way to work this morning. I am typically a very calm person, but I think this guy would have deserved it! He was a total road hog and a huge jerk! He was driving a truck with those spot lights on top of it. You know, the ones hunters usually have even though they are illegal to use in most places... Anyway, this guy was tailing me for a while with those things on and shining right in my face!! I even slowed down to let him pass and he just stayed there...inches from my bumper! Finally, the road became 2 lane highway, but only temporarily. He finally passes me in the left lane, then gets back in front of me, slows to a crawl, and puts his brake on every few seconds. He actually turned around to look at me a few times!!! Then, he got on his phone and looked like he was telling a buddy about how much fun he was having!! That's when I got on my phone and dialed 911. I told them about my reckless driver, where he was, and his license plate number. I continued to follow him at an attempted safe distance while he continued to creep and brake. The 2 lanes appeared again and I tried to pass him. He sped up!! Laughing the whole time!! I just couldn't believe it!!!!! He finally let me pass and when he was behind me again, he turned those spot lights back on! I actually felt like I was in danger! I called 911 again and told them that I was being harassed and was worried for my safety from this person following me. Now, I take a back road highway to work and my commute is about 30 minutes just to get into the city. I was on the line with the dispatcher when I got into North Little Rock and shortly after that I saw those blue lights finally!! Of course, then he backed off, but the cop already had him!! The dispatcher took my name, address, and phone number; reminded me that my call had been recorded, but said that it may be necessary to file a formal complaint. I agreed but it was all I could do not to turn around and stop with him and the officer. I could have hurt the guy!! Now, I have to go by the PD this afternoon to file a complaint! What was his deal?!?! Damn, now, I'm all pissed off again!!!!!

My own personal fitness contract!!

2006-12-26T14:39:00.000-06:00

Based on an awareness of my personal health status, I, Kellie R. Nichols, am contracting with myself to follow the physical fitness program set forth herein to work toward the following health improvement goals to be achieved between the dates of December 26, 2006 and January 1, 2008. The benefits shall include but are not limited to improved self image, increased energy levels, avoidance of future health risks, and the promotion of a healthier lifestyle to my daughter.

Goals
1. To decrease my current weight, I will engage in aerobic activity three times a week and resistance training two times a week. I will follow the Nutrisystem Nourish weight loss program and minimize my caloric intake to a maximum of 1900 calories.
2. To improve my aerobic fitness, I will walk three times a week outside my home or office in the afternoons or evenings for a minimum or thirty minutes at my target heart range of 128-172 bpm.
3. To balance my overall fitness level, I will participate in full body resistance training twice a week at the ACH gym during my lunch break for a minimum of 30 minutes. I will also drink a minimum of six glasses (48 ounces) of water daily.
4. To maintain accountability and support, I will recruit the assistance of at least one individual willing to contact me directly on a weekly basis as well as reviewing my required journals and weigh-ins. I will also continue blog submissions as needed for further support. Commitment to assist me shall be expressed by witness signature.

Monitoring Tools
I will use the following tools to monitor my program and my progress toward these goals:

1. Food Diary: A small notebook in which I shall record my general food intake and daily activity.

2. FitDay: A computer software program designed to record specifics about my overall nutrition, my caloric expenditure, my general mood, my measurement changes, and my overall weight loss.

3. Pedometer: A personal training instrument used to determine the number of steps I take each day, their corresponding distance in miles, and caloric expenditure.

Incentives
My program includes the following schedule of minigoals which, once achieved, shall result in the rewarding of the incentives listed:

Adhering to exercise schedule= Weekly= $5 Wardrobe Jar
Loss of 10 pounds= ~ Monthly= 1 Dinner Out
15 Pound Holiday Challenge (237 lbs)= January 12, 2007= Gym Bag
53 Pounds to Onderland (199 lbs)= May 18, 2007= Diamond Ring
96 Pounds to Goal (156 lbs)= January 1, 2008= Tatoo/Wardrobe Jar

If I fail to achieve any of these weight loss minigoals, I will forfeit the coordinating incentive.

Overcoming Conflicts
The following is a list of potential difficulties and how to avoid them.

Temptations resulting from lack of meal planning. This can be avoided by simply packing my days meals and snacks the night before to prevent hunger.

Lack of support for my lifestyle change. This is remedied by avoidance of negative individuals and continued contact with my support team.

Depression. Continued psychological treatment should alleviate this.

Self-consciousness about public knowledge of my diet program. Try to be open to questions about my program and forthcoming with information for anyone with questions.

General laziness. Increase activity gradually and try to include an increase in everyday activities which will also increase my energy levels.

I, Kellie R. Nichols, have reviewed this contract and I agree to discuss the experiences involved in accomplishing or not accomplishing these health improvements with Philip D. Nichols each and every Monday.

Signed: __________________________ Date: _________________

Witness 1:________________________ Date: _________________

Witness 2:________________________ Date: _________________

Christmas Damage Control

2006-12-26T10:02:00.000-06:00

I have been a bad, bad girl. Santa should take back my gifts!!

Okay, so the holidays tend to bring out the best and worst in me. What can I say, other than, I will try to do better next year!! It may have been a bit naive of me to think that I could jump back on the dieting wagon just before all the major eating holidays. Well, live and learn!! In this spirit of self forgiveness, I am posting today's Daily Dose from the NS website. It's really a good one!!

Don’t regress. Progress!
Holiday Tip #26: Learn from your mistakes and move on.

The leftovers are boxed and in a fridge far, far away. The presents are being enjoyed. The house is finally quiet again, and you’re getting back to the grind. So how did you fare? Did you participate in the smorgasbord, mindlessly shoveling into your mouth everything that crossed your path? Or, did you put into practice what you’ve learned, allowing yourself to sample only your favorites without overindulging? Hopefully you celebrated the holiday in high style, maintaining control, but if you’re shaking your head at yourself (noting that your pants fit just a tad more snugly today), have your moment of regret and then LET IT GO! Don’t put your energy into feeling guilty. Nothing good can come of that!

Don’t succumb to that inner critic and allow one minor slip-up to ruin weeks of hard work and dedication. (And if you did claim victory over that chocolate soufflé, let out a loud YAY!)
There’s less than one week left of 2006 and it’s time to really psyche ourselves up for the coming year—so let’s get started! Regardless of what happened yesterday, or the week before that, or the week before that, let’s rededicate ourselves today by vowing to enter into the New Year with guns blazing and weight loss goals in sight.

You can’t change yesterday, but you can definitely triumph tomorrow!

One of those times....AGAIN!!!

2006-12-19T11:36:00.000-06:00

Why does weight loss have to be so much harder than weight gain?!? Temptations seem to far outnumber inspirations! I have strayed off-track again. I find that I am actually craving french fries and ice cream so badly that it feels like a physical withdrawal from an addiction. I have been blaming it on so much lately...the Holidays, PMS, TOM, depression... I just always seem to find myself in these slumps!!! I hate this!! How in the hell did I get to this point in my life?!? How did I lose myself beneath an 80 pound layer of cellulite?!?! How do I keep myself on the "straight and narrow"? I have been reading so many of the NS Daily Doses as well as the other blogs that I am into. There are so many others out there like me, yet I still feel like I am alone at times and that I can't do this! Then, there is the real clincher in my warped mental justification: People like me, why the hell should I give a damn about my weight?!? I'm in decent condition health wise with no diseases or internal effects of my excess weight, why should I change?!? Despite all my attempts to improve my mental attitude toward my weight loss, I still find myself struggling everyday not to eat everything in site!!!

Okay, new strategies are obviously in order!! I have got to find some sort of daily (or even hourly; hell, minute by minute for that matter) affirmation or inspiration to revert to in my times of weakness and struggle.

Oh and I have just had a brainstorm!!! I saw this on another blog I visited recently. I have to put everything in writing. I have to make a commitment to myself and the only way that I can do that is to create a contract that includes a specific plan for my GMC. (G oal M otivation C onflict)

Goal To reach a weight of 156 pounds by New Year's Day 2008.

Motivation To feel better about myself. To be a healthy role model for my daughter. To have more energy. To be able to buy cute clothes. To avoid any future health risks.

Conflict General laziness and unwillingness. Too many tempting opportunities resulting from lack of planning. Little support at home. Depression. Self-conscientiousness about public knowledge of my dieting. Feeling as though it would just be better to not try than to fail.

Geez, I have issues! The next thing I have to do is to come up with ways to remind myself of what I am striving for. I am considering some inspirational quotes to display around those weakest areas of my life. My office, my fridge, my car even could use some up-lifting sentiments. I have also thought about printing some of these quotes on address labels that I could then stick to things like my debit card or credit cards. That way when I go to whip it out at McDonald's there would be a happy little message of hope for me right there. I am still working on converting my urges for food into urges for exercise, but that is so difficult. I haven't been able to find a sincere appreciation for exercise yet!! I am open to any other suggestions...

And finally, I have to decide on some sort of reward system. A motivation to help keep me on track. Something that I yearn for more than those fries or that jamocha shake. I have to look deep inside myself for something that I would be willing to seriously work for.

Once I have done all this, I will write it up in contract form and sign it. I will then have my hubby and maybe even my mom witness it for me. I am hoping that if I lay out my precise plan, my family may find it easier to support my program. I might even be able to find a way to include him and motivate him to do the same!!! Then, I can post copies of this contract in visible areas or my home and office as a reminder of goal and it's impending prize.

I will work on this today and post it tomorrow!

Funny Friday

2006-12-15T08:49:00.000-06:00

If only that were true, huh?!?

The new dog went over just fine last night. The husband was a bit perturbed but when I told him the story about Derby his heart just melted. This morning cinched his official membership in our family. He stayed in the house with us all night. Keep in mind that we bought our home in September and it was newly carpeted, so we took quite a risk last night!! Anyway, Derby did so well and impressed us all. I slept on the couch so that I could hear him if he needed to go to the bathroom. He lay on the floor beside the couch all night. When my bladder woke me up at 4:19 this morning, he decided he needed to go too. He just stood patiently in front of the door while I went to the bathroom. Once outside, he took care of business, sniffed around a bit and then headed for the house! So, no piles or puddles in our home!! YAY DERBY!!! This made my hubby very, very happy. It also helped to learn that he was neutered and fully vetted, too. I think what really convinced him though is that I took him to Petsmart yesterday to have him groomed. He came home to meet his new daddy looking gorgeous, feeling so soft, and smelling of sugar cookies curtesy of the holiday grooming package there!! We are going tonight to get him a dog house and invisible fence system. Everything is wonderful today!!!

I'm in trouble...

2006-12-14T09:40:00.000-06:00

Okey, so I should never mix anger and pets again. After writing yesterdays post, I started looking for Jack Russell Terriers. I have wanted one for years and it just never seemed like the right time and we didn't have the cash to get one. I was surfing the website of the local animal shelters. There at the Little Rock Animal Shelter (LRAS) I found a lovely little female who was in urgent need of a home. She had been there for a while and was in danger of being euthanized. My heart melted and I decided to go and check her out.

I took my lunch break to travel a few blocks to the shelter and when I got there, they said that she had been fostered and most likely be housed in British Columbia!!! I turned to leave when I noticed that someone was standing outside with a couple of dogs, one of which looked like a terrier mix. I went out to find that these were the last of about 20 animals that needed to be housed before December ended or their time was up. There were 2 dogs: a little beagle mix who had an injured eye and acollie/pyrenese mix with a lovely coat. I was torn not only between them but also on whether or not to take one home. I tried to call my hubby but his cell phone is on the fritz and I couldn't reach them. Meanwhile, another woman fell for the beagle and I started talking to the handler. The collie mix had been turned over to the shelter by a family who had to move away. He was nuetered and had all his shots when he arrived, they just couldn't take him with them. The LRAS can only foster an animal for 6 months. Then they go to Last Chance Arkansas. Here is where they foster them out to volunteers in the hope that they will get a home. They can only stay in this foster care for 8 weeks. This dog's time was up. He was actually back at the shelter because his time was up on December 15 and he was scheduled to be put to sleep. I just couldn't let that happen!! So......

Meet Derby the newest member of our family. This is his shelter pic and he is so much prettier after his bath and brushing!! Isn't he a dream!?!? Now I ask you, could you have let them put him down?!?! The only problem now is telling my husband. The shelter held him overnight last night so that I could prepare for him, but I have to pick him up this afternoon. I tried to tell him last night, but he was grumpy (the cat was bugging him and he hasn't been sleeping well lately) and he was engrossed in a program on TV. So I just went on to bed. I am planning on relying on the old saying: "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission."

Pray for me!! I may be either dead or divorced tomorrow!!!

If only husbands were pets...

2006-12-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

Wouldn't a pet husband be so much easier to deal with than a real, human one?!? My life would be so much nicer if I could just scold him a few times about an issue and he would learn not to do it again! My home would be so much cleaner if I could just rub his nose in his messes and then he wouldn't make them anymore! My world would be so much less hectic if I could train him to take care of simple household tasks on command, without refuse, without attitude, and with only offering a treat afterward! My bed would be so much more comfortable if I didn't have to worry about sexual advances when I am not in the mood and all I had to do was find a comfy position, get in it, and rub his belly.

I had a long, exhausting day yesterday. I had to get up at 5:30 to leave my house by 6:30 to pick up the company vehicle at 7:30 an hour away. We drove it 1.5 hours away to an allergy clinic at a distant school district. We had appointments starting at 10 and lasting until 4:15 that afternoon. We then had to drive the 1.5 hours back to my office, unload, return the vehicle. I finally started out on the hour-long drive home at 7 pm last night. I called my hubby to let him know that I was on my way home and that I would be there by about 8 or so. He was at home with our daughter. He actually asked me to stop and pick up milk and bread on my way home!!! There is a f*&#ing store about 5 blocks from our house!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Even then, I didn't lose my temper. I was tired. I didn't want to fight. I just told him that it would be after 8 (our child's bedtime is 8:30) before I would be there and he should just go down to the grocery store right quick and get some. He huffed and we got off the phone. Again, I am trying to keep from getting angry...I called my mom and we chatted for a while during which he called me back several times. I didn't answer his call because I was on the line with my mom. I get of the call to mom and see that I have a voicemail. If you could only hear it, typing it here just doesn't do it justice: "{huge huffy sigh} Will you call me back please!!!"

And, so, all patience left me and I did call him back. Of course then we fought and apparently, I "never answer his calls". NOTE: I love how we all generalize issues as "always" or "never" when we're angry. Nothing is ever "always" or "never" in reality!!! Long story short, I still end up stopping to get milk and stuff and in my angry fit, I also bought a king-sized, triple chocolate drumstick. Nice, an extra 440 calories that my anger fed but couldn't burn off!!

So, today, I am wishing I had bought a dog instead of a wedding license!! A dog doesn't complain if you don't serve it dinner. A dog doesn't expect you to jump whenever it barks and won't snapped at you if you don't respond to it quickly enough. You can teach a dog to shit outside instead of in the bathroom just before your shower!! You can leave a dog at home for a while by himself and it won't call you and bug you about trivial things like "where is my ________"! I think I will trade him in on a Jack Russell Terrier!!!!

Weekend Update with Kellie Nichols

2006-12-11T10:21:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful time this weekend and I am so glad that we went! It was so worth it!!

We had nearly talked ourselves out of going Friday morning due to those dreadful money issues I mentioned earlier, but we decided at the last minute that it was important. It would just mean that we had to make the trip much cheaper than usual. So we packed up a couple ice chests along with our luggage and headed to my in-laws. We dropped off the kids (daughter and dog), had a bite to eat, and hit the highway.

About 5 hours later we stopped at Wal-mart where we enjoyed sandwiches in our car before we went inside to purchase a couple last minute necessities (hubby forgot to pack underwear!!). About an hour and a half later, we checked into our Motel 6 in St. Louis. They'd had some snow and ice the previous week and the ground shimmered. Following the exhaustive drive and the new experience of 10 lane traffic, we crashed for the night.

Saturday morning, we both woke up bright and early before the alarm even went off!! We had a day of totally free activities planned and we were eager to get started. The Halocaust Museum, The St. Louis Walk of Stars, the Cathedral Basilica, the St. Louis Zoo, and a couple of famous old cemetaries were on our agenda. AND ALL FREE TO THE PUBLIC!!! We shared a breakfast special at the Waffle House and a couple cups of some of the most perfect coffee ever and started our adventure!

And boy was it ever an adventure!! Apparently, St. Louis either doesn't believe in the keeping of state maps or it is such a popular destination that they are constantly out, because they illuded us all day!! None at the front desk, none at the tourest center, none at the gas station even!! We ended up using the little bit of one in the phone book that just had a dot for all the attractions and only names the major interstates through the city!! NO STREET NAMES!! OMG! It was so funny!!

We started out looking for the Halocaust Museum and couldn't find it. so we pulled up beside a parked police officer only to find him in a deep sleep!! When we finally gave up our search for that destination and started trying to find the Walk of Stars, we stumbled upon the Museum to find that it was closed!!

So, we head for the Walk of Stars. It's got these bronze stars imbedded in the concrete along the street for each of the prominant people associated in some way with the city. People like Miles Davis and Albert King for my musician husband and people like Tennessee Williams and T S Elliot for me. Of course, we couldn't find it so we decided to head for the zoo. Guess what?!? Once we started trying to find the zoo, we found the walk!! Now, we were 2 for 2!! We stopped and took pics of our preferred stars and headed to the zoo.

The zoo was a bit easier to find and all we had to do was follow the signs on the highway! It was awesome!! We had lunch in the car again, the whole time worried that everyone was making fun of the hillbillies from Arkansas; sittin in their car at the zoo and eating sandwiches. The zoo was so great! So many animals and such an unbelievable facility and FREE!! We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon there and got lost when it was time for them to close! It was so great, I could have spent another day there!!

Then, of course, was the whole reason for the trip: Jeff Dunham at The Funny Bone! He was fantastically hilarious and soooooo worth the trip!! We even got to see a new puppet that had only been introduced a week ago!! So much fun!!

Note to all future St. Louis visitors: The joint shuts down after midnight!! Even the Wal-marts and Walgreens we could actually find were closed!!! Thankfully, we found an open Taco Bell and indulged a bit on a couple tacos.

We got up Sunday and headed home. We landed in Sikeston, MO right at 12:15. Perfect time for the one extravagence we had planned for the weekend: Lunch at Lambert's Cafe!! For those that don't know, it's the place where they throw the fresh hot rolls at you and feed you all this incredible country style cooking untill you feel like you are going to burst!! You order your meal with 2 veggies (we both got the pork chops) and that's what you get, but then they also have these servers circulating the room with pans of fried okra, skillet potatoes, mac and cheese, black-eyed peas.... And they just pile you up with any of it you want!! OMG!! I am still full!!

And, no it was not on my diet, but I was really, really good last week and I will be really, really good this week too. I weighed this morning and I had only put on about 1.6 pounds for all of it, but I am confident that I can get right back on track this week. Besides, it was just such a great weekend with my hubby and I really enjoyed myself!!

I did not want to come to work this morning though!!!

2006-12-06T15:47:00.000-06:00

I HATE MONEY!!!

2006-12-06T07:59:00.000-06:00

Gosh, why does everything have to be so hard!?!? We've had this great weekend planned for months and now it looks like we may not be able to go!!

Okay, so here's the story. We started a new policy in October with our life insurance agent. He's a nice guy really and we have been with this company for almost 9 years now. Anyway, we started these new policies and turned over $70 to get them started. He came back a month later with the paperwork and said that our first automatic payment would be $109 on November 24th. This would include the premiums for October and November. Makes since so far, right? Last week, they drafted $255 from our checking account!! I don't know about some of you guys, but our budget is pretty tight and an unexpected expense really hurts us!! It was 2 days before my husbands paycheck hit and it plunged us into the red. Of course, then every other check we still had out bounced and of course, the bank (ridiculously, I might add) charges you more of what you don't have! We ended up with $248 in overdraft charges!! 2 days has ruined our entire month of December and maybe even hurt our Christmas!! And the company refused to budge. They claim "riders" on our policy increased the price and that it was the fault of our agent who told us the wrong amount. So we have to just take it up the you-know-what!!

So, now we are behind about $400, which was trip money we had planned to use for this weekend on our little holiday to St. Louis. The Jeff Dunham tix are already paid for and are non-refundable and I was so looking forward to it!! I'm upset, mad, depressed, and whatever else I could possibly be in a situation like this!! What Christmas shopping I will be able to do has to wait until the 15th when hubby gets paid again and I just have to hope and pray that the bills I am having to skip to pay others aren't going to ruin us later in January too!!

I HATE MONEY!! When I am Queen of the World, I will change all that!

One Scale + One Non-Scale Victory!!!

2006-12-04T10:08:00.000-06:00

Scales are down another 2 pounds!! YAY!! Unfortunately, I can't change my turtle ticker up top to reflect this! Something weird is going on with blogger beta today. The format for posting has somehow changed and I can't get my customization stuff to change! I'll try tomorrow because I am really excited about making that little guy move some!!

Non-Scale-Wise: I spent the weekend out of town and though I did not eat the NS foods I had taken with me, I still did very well about minimizing what I did eat. I managed to keep my calories well under my allotement and still eat the meals provided by the band organization which included KFC, a breakfast buffet, and McDonald's!! I am very proud of myself!

I wasn't feeling very well yesterday and I am still feeling quite off today. My stomach is upset; I feel jittery; and I keep getting chills although it is warm in my office. Not sure what all that's about, but I can't afford to get sick now! This weekend is jam pack with things that really can't be cancelled for illness!! I am out of town for schedule research clinic for 3 days this week and this weekend is our trip to St. Louis. Those tix are non-refundable. Ugh!! Please pray that I will be feeling better by morning!! I am planning on going home early this afternoon to rest.

December Already?!?!?

2006-12-01T13:50:00.000-06:00

OMGosh!! It's December! Where has the time gone?!? I got a little "put off" today when I ripped November off of my desk top calender. I have December 31st marked as "Onderland Goal" in bright green ink. The worst of it all is that if I hadn't lost myself for about 6 weeks or so, I would probably be getting very close to that goal right now!! How saddening! And extraordinarily disheartening!! It's just terrible to think about where I might have been if I had managed to stay on track.

My only comfort is knowing that I should be back to my pre-depression weight (234 lbs) by that time. I can't focus on my lost time or regrets. I have to stay totally focused on reaching my goal. Especially since it's the holiday season. There is so much more temptation right now. Two of my favorite things are typical only available around Christmas; namely egg nog and chocolate covered cherries. And I have made it to the first day of December without a single bit of either!!! YAY ME!!!

December is a very busy month in general too and I am hoping that the extra fun activities will keep me busy and my mind off all the Christmas goodies skulking about the stores. Today, I am going with my hubby's high school marching band all the way to Shreveport, Louisiana. They were invited (and paid) to perform in the Christmas parade there. I have my meals packed and plan to stick to my plan as best I can. Next weekend, I am taking Friday off and Phil and I are headed up to St. Louis for three days. We haven't been alone together since last May and we are going to see my fave comic Jeff Dunham!!! I am so excited!! Then there is my office party on the 15th and then of course Christmas and New Years!! That doesn't even include the 8-10 days of travelling for work that I will be doing this month!! WHEW!! All that should definitely keep me occupied!!!

So, now I am setting a new Onderland Goal: May 18, 2007. This will coordinate perfectly with my 10 year anniversary and a good friend's 40th birthday, which better be one helluva party!!! ;)

PS. "helluva" was actually in my spell checker!!!

A free smile.

2006-11-30T13:15:00.000-06:00

Turtles, Turtles, Everywhere!

2006-11-30T10:47:00.000-06:00

My obsession with turtles may be obvious visually, but also has a symbolic meaning. I am an animal freak!! I have a zoo membership and have applied to be a volunteer docent in the spring. I am a fanatic over Animal Planet (I actually record Meerkat Manor weekly!!) and love the Discovery channel. I have had pets all my life and have fostered many, many others. I have cared for the typical domestic breeds; right now, we have a dog, a cat, a hamster, and a 75 gallon fish tank full of rather promiscuous guppies. I have also enjoyed my share of exotics; I've lived with African bullfrogs, endangered salamanders, 3-toed box turtles, and even a black widow spider once. So, it's no surprise that I associate a lot with the animal kingdom.

Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:

Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"

And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.

Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.

So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.

I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!

BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)

5 Things

2006-11-28T13:51:00.000-06:00

5 Things I like about myself:
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.

5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.

5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.

5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"

5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.

5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.

Just thinking...

2006-11-27T15:34:00.000-06:00

My mind is full and racing today and I just can't understand why! Yet, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing today! I haven't sincerely accomplished anything at work today and I just keep jumping back and forth between the other blogs I regularly read. (As though, they will somehow provide some miraculous answer to my mental state today!) So, I have finally decided to just free write for a while and see if anything comes of it.

WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!

I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...

why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?

Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)

Thanks + giving

2006-11-27T12:06:00.000-06:00

First and foremost, I am having "one of those days". I had so much trouble just getting out of my bed this morning. Unfortunately, it's more than just fatigue from the long weekend; it's my "what is the point of it all" mentality that keeps me lying there. However, I did manage to force myself to rise this morning and I am desperately trying to leave this schlumpy feeling behind.

So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...

Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!

Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.

I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

Mission Impossible?

2006-11-22T10:13:00.000-06:00

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate and detain one Kellie Nichols.
{insert spy theme music here}

Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.

Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!

This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.

The Biology of Sex and Cheating...

2006-11-21T12:55:00.000-06:00

Men: Visually stimulated (it's why they get an erection from a magazine)
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)

Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)

Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)

Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference

Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)

Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)

These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!

And my weekend is over....

2006-11-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

Oh, it's Monday...AGAIN!!! I really hate Mondays; they mean that the weekend is really over and that the next one is as far away as it can get!! But it's a short week...

"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!

Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39

There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.

So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.

They are just numbers!!!!

Refocusing

2006-11-17T09:41:00.000-06:00

I realize that I started this blog to help me with my thoughts on my weight loss struggle. Amazingly, it has become a means of daily venting my everyday struggles with work, marriage, family, everything. It's so funny that I find myself today with absolutely nothing to discuss!! Everything that's going on in my life right now and I have no focal discussion!! My thoughts are scattered and I can't follow a single train of thought to any distinct location!!

I am still angry with Philip.

I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.

I am still fighting against temptation.

So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The good, the bad, and the real ugly...

2006-11-16T10:13:00.000-06:00

The good was reported yesterday when I discussed his loving and attentive detail in confronting all I had to share with him.

The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!

The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.

I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.

He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!

I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!

Discussion Result

2006-11-15T17:18:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I took the cowards way out and instead of actually telling him everything, I did just what I had proposed. I copied my blog about it all, handed it to him, left the room, and waited.

A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?

He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.

He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.

I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.

And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....

My thoughts

2006-11-14T13:32:00.000-06:00

I know that I am so erratic about posting here, but I am desperately trying to get better. There are times when this is the only place that I can be myself. It's a fairly ridiculous notion, I know, especially when you consider that most people hide themselves in cyberspace. On the contrary, I can cry, bitch, whine, scream and the words are always the same and the audience is faceless. I can put to screen all the things I feel like I can't put to words... all my sadness, my fears, everything. A great example was my previous post. I told the vacuum of space (and those few that are interested in reading) about my recent "episode". I still haven't told my husband any part of it. My therapist directly said to inform him, but I haven't been able to. Now, I am faced with the last night before my appointment tomorrow. I told him this morning that we needed to talk this evening, but as the day slips away, I am struggling with how to do it. I have almost resolved to just letting him read that post, but then it would open up my secret hiding place to him. Here is where I deposit my anger. Here is where I express my desires. Here is where I attempt to leave my depression. Here is where I lose myself.

So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.

Then I will wait...

I will wait to see his reaction...

I will wait to find out what he says...

I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...

Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!

New November?

2006-11-06T13:55:00.000-06:00

So, for those who keep up, I haven't written in over a month. Things have not gone according to plan. I am lost. I am afraid. And I am clinically depressed.

About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.

In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.

Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.

I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.

We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!

All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.

My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.

))))))DAMMIT!!!((((((

2006-09-25T10:07:00.000-06:00

Kellie, I'm waiting for you...

Kellie, I miss you so much and I know that you miss me...

Kellie, I'm only $2.78. You have that in change there in your car...

Kellie, I'm all your favorite things...

Kellie, hurry, there's not much time left...

Damn you Hot Fudge Brownie Blast!! Damn you to HELL!!!!

Is it obvious that I spent yet another weekend overindulged? I am still working on finding out why I do this to myself. I have discovered my mental reasoning behind the fast food binges but I haven't discovered how to counter them. And so, I ate 3 (yes, that's THREE!!!) Hot Fudge Brownie Blasts from Sonic over the weekend and the excuses started flowing...

I still haven't gone grocery shopping and Sonic is about 13 miles closer than Wal-Mart.
I am menstruating and I NEED chocolate.
My diet has already been ruined, so what will it hurt now?
It's a limited time promo, I should have them while I can!!

UGH! I hate this. I hate feeling defeated and deterred by something so stupid!! I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I am worthy of health and happiness. I CAN change my life!!!

I am going to do a bit more study on my irrational logic today and try to figure out some strategies to defeat my poor reasoning when it comes to food. I also intend to put to paper (or screen) my motivations. I need to decide why this weight loss journey is important to me and find a way to keep some handy reminders of those close at hand.

I have got to get myself together already!!!!!

Self Psychiatry

2006-09-21T10:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I am not a licensed professional, but who knows me better than me? So I think that makes me more than qualified to analyze my own issues.

Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.

1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.

2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!

3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"

4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.

5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!

6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!

Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.

Sometimes it just sucks to be me...

2006-09-20T09:35:00.000-06:00

My mental thermostat must be set to fan because I can really just blow off everything in a moment.

We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.

WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!

And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.

The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!

Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?

I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!

Free Write

2006-09-08T14:17:00.000-06:00

Well, I really don't have a specific topic today, so I will just put to screen whatever comes to mind. I am sitting here having my afternoon yogurt and trying to decide what to do at the gym this afternoon. Time is always an issue in my household. My husband is a director of one of the best and largest bands in Arkansas. This means that he is far more busy and inaccessible than most other teachers. In fact, Monday evenings and Sundays are just about the only times that we see him. With marching practice, sectionals, color guard rehearsals, games (jr high and sr high), I tend to think he prefers his job at VHS than his position as a father and husband. He is so dedicated to the program and I can see the pride he takes in his job. But shouldn't the passion he has for his career also be found in his personal life. I get so jealous of his time. There are some times when our daughter doesn't see him for days because he leaves before she's up and doesn't get home until after she goes to bed!! It's unreal! And he can't understand why I get so mad at times. There are even nights when he's there all evening and then brings it home with him!! It hurts to see him so completely and totally devoted to something other than us. And there are so many other issues associated with this too. For instance, he jumps when the school or other directors call him, but there are times he "doesn't hear" me calling his cell. Also, he is very well informed about the schedule for the band, but even after I remind him of a family commitment several times, he still forgets!! He comes home every evening exhausted and frustrated or whatever else he may be feeling at work and lays it all on me and Megan. His list of priorities is topped by this job!! I can't understand that!! My job is 3rd on my list and I love my job!!! Our entire marriage has focused on his career goals and his schedule. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is successful, but at what cost?!? I am worried about his relationship with Megan, our marriage, our future... He is not selfish, but self centered. His tunnel vision ends at the band hall. It's just so aggravating!! I could handle a mistress, that I would know exactly how to counter, but what do you do when his job IS his mistress?!?! How can I compete in the few precious hours he spends at home? He makes me feel neglected, unappreciated, and uninteresting. Even during the summers he's like this. Then there is music to pick out, instruments to repair, drill to write... It makes me want to scream!!! And of course, we can't plan anything. Weekends are games, contests,..... I love him so much, that has never been a question, but I wonder sometimes if he really loves me. If he did, wouldn't he come home when all the others band directors leave the school? If he did, wouldn't he be excited to see me after working all day? If he did, wouldn't I be able to feel it ALL of the time? Lord, I hate self-doubt!! I hate wondering and worrying! I hate watching and waiting! And above all, I hate trying to go to bed at night alone!! I can't sleep, dammit!! I toss and turn the whole time while he sits in the study working on the computer or while he is at an away game. Its so frustrating! Then, the guilt sets in!! Is this just my problem? Should I really be upset about this? How stupid is this to fight over?!? But it just keeps coming up and he just keeps being gone and I just keep getting more and more heartbroken. I'm sitting here typing this, thinking what a really ridiculous issue to be so pissed off about, but I can't help it! It's not like he's cheating or abusing me or anything. So, why the hell does this bother me so much that I am sitting alone in my office on a Friday afternoon typing furiously about this whole thing?

Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!

Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!

Progress report

2006-09-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

This week marks the 10th week on my weight loss program. I have lost a total of 17 pounds so far, which is alot until you consider that I have to lose 86 pounds more to reach my goal. Remarkably, alot has changed in my life during those weeks. Other than the weight loss, I am starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I actually wore a t-shirt tucked into my jeans for the first time in years!! I have developed a bit more drive in my day-to-day life as well, though it still remains very hard for me to get up as early as I need to. I have managed to stay relatively faithful to Nutrisystem with only a few cheat days and I have been drinking about 80 ounces of water daily. Lots of bathroom time!!

I've learned some stuff about myself too. I'm allergic to the elliptical machine. I don't require caffiene to live. Internet buddies can become great friends. Yogurt is not the enemy, but cameras still are! Gym classes require fresh underwear. Cheating is not necessarily failing. I can overcome depression. My husband really does think I'm sexy. Goals can always be altered a bit. Losing weight is not easy but it is possible!

Ultimate SEXY Summer Goal (July 2007)

Tips for going to the gym.

2006-09-05T15:46:00.000-06:00

So, I completed my 2nd aerobics class at the gym today during my lunch hour. After the first one, I learned that a mid day exercise REQUIRES a mid day shower!! Today, I managed to get through the entire 30 minute routine and was really looking forward to that shower when I realized a few things would have to be remedied before my next venture.

1. Always have a hair clip or ponytail holder! I was so desperate to pull my medium length hair up that I unraveled some of the stitches from the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hair!

2. Bring a towel of EVERY size. Just because they say they have towels available doesn't mean they have them "available". You need 3: a hand towel for the coursing sweat, a washcloth (or face towel for you northerners) to clean your funky butt, and a bath towel to dry you clean.

3. Buy a lock. Yes, they have lockers, but no locks!

4. You WILL NEED a hair dryer and a hair brush. This is especially true if, like me, your gym is associated with your office. You HAVE to exercise...You HAVE to shower...You HAVE to wash your hair too...and...You HAVE to be able to fix it back!!! I didn't even have a brush with me to detangle it!! I had to cross the campus looking like a drowned rat!!

5. You will also NEED to bring your makeup. Okay, so I looked like a very pale, disgusting drowned rat!!!

6. Flip flops or water shoes are a Must. It occurred to me just how disgusted the floor of those public showers could be....don't chance it! Cover your feet!!!

And this is the most important one....

7. Bring CLEAN underwear!!! It does you no damn good to take a shower only to discover that you got to put on the same sweaty drawers again!! EEWWW!!!!

I wrote all the necessities down on a post-it note and stuck it to my gym bag. Hopefully, Thursdays adventure will leave me much less homeless-looking!!!

A Non-Scale Victory

2006-08-31T12:14:00.000-06:00

There I sat, terrified. Through the glass doors I watched the stability ball class actually doing sit ups perched on a large bouncing sphere. "Those things aren't for exercise; those are for teasing really small dogs!!" My eyes grew huge as the members of the class changed positions. Now, their hands rested on the floor as though they would be doing push-ups, but their feet were balanced on top of the ball!! I almost turned and walked out. "What in the hell am I doing here?!? I can't do that!!" I looked down at the schedule in my hands...12:30 Beginner's aerobics. It was now 12:25, surely that wasn't my class?!?! I breathed a sigh of relief as the class stopped, stretched, and put those many devices of torture back on the walls. Everyone filed out as I waited patiently to go in. My worst fears were realized when I noticed that I was the only one waiting to get in. I walked into a room that reminded me of a fun house. Mirrors everywhere (yeah, like an obese woman wants to see a panoramic view of herself!!!) and brightly colored weapons everywhere. Suddenly, I was back in junior high PE; awkward and uncomfortable.

Tentatively I asked, " Is this where the beginner's aerobics class is held?" Her answer of "yep, it's just you and me today" confirmed it. "The other two who are usually here have a meeting today." [keep in mind that the gym I am going to is for my workplace] THANK GOD THE INSTRUCTOR WASN'T A MAN!!!

I tried desperately to escape my fate..."Oh, well, I'm sure that you are tired. I'll just come back next week when they return..."

"No, it's okay, this one's a little easier on me"... She then had me grab a step and place it on the floor while she changed the music. When she turned her back, I almost tried to sneak out the door. "We'll just go over some of the steps we use in the class" Dammit, she's too nice and I can't be rude.

Remarkably, the step aerobics I had done 2 years ago came back to me in a flash. I remembered the basic right, turn, V, and even the return K. She was impressed with me!! "Do you want to go through a quick routine?" Excuses flooded my brain: No, I will just go home and practice until next week. No thanks, it's been 2 years since I've done this; I'll get back into it gradually. No, you go and eat a Big Mac, you skinny little heifer! Any of these would have worked, but what comes out of my mouth..."Sure!"

Thirty minutes later, I left the fun house with a huge childlike smile on my face. I had done it. Granted, I had to stop a couple of times and my coordination is severely lacking, but I had made it through my first actual gym class!! I was sweaty and breathless, but I had basically kept up with her!! I hadn't subjected myself to public exercise like that since those dreadful PE classes and I had hoped to just fade into the back row of the class, but I had her complete attention on me and I didn't falter. I wasn't embarrassed like I thought I would be. I wasn't self conscious and unwilling to try the steps as I had anticipated. I was into it! The music was fun and she was so helpful and attentive. I can't wait for Tuesday!!

Now, I find myself wanting to just hang around the gym and observe the other classes to see which ones I might be interested in. You never know, I might actually enjoy a little stability ball in the future!!

Kindness

2006-08-29T10:31:00.000-06:00

Isn't it remarkable how one small act of kindness can change your entire perspective on the world as a whole. That's just what happened to me last night.

I got out the lawnmower for a rollicking evening of grass cutting and noticed my neighbors, the Haygoods, were doing the same. Mrs. was mowing and Mr. was weedeating. My husband was at a meeting at the school where he teaches. The Haygoods have been keeping their boat in the small patch of land between our homes and have been maintaining it all the way up to our wall. So, it was no surprise when I notice Mr. Haygood weedeating along that side of our house. What was a surprise was finding him coming back along the opposite side of our house a few minutes later. Then he continued to weedeat the areas along the back of my house where I was mowing! Now, I haven't mowed my yard in quite some time...rainy days, heat, and just plain laziness had defeated me for some time now...so it was fairly tall. I was admittedly struggling with those really long blades of grass. Suddenly, I realized that Mrs. Haygood was finished with her yard and had meandered over to ours and was mowing those deep patches with her much more expensive mower! I tried to tell them they didn't have to do that, but they just said that they didn't have anything better to do!! In only an hour, both the front and back yards of my home were clean cut and well trimmed!! As I went to put away the mower, they disappeared into their own home for the evening before I could even thank them. It felt wonderful!!

Unfortunately, this kind of thing doesn't happen often enough today. They could have easily retired to their own home and left me to complete my task alone. Instead, they spent just an hour helping me. That one hour will stay with me for a while!

Body Balancing Act

2006-08-28T10:42:00.000-06:00

What the hell do they put into all those bad foods that make me crave them so badly?!? What makes chocolate and caffeine so damn addictive? Why can't that stuff be in fruits and veggies so that I will want them instead?

I have always been curious as to why the entire world seems wired backward. For instance, it's been proven that if I ingest more vitamin supplements than my body needs, they are flushed out. My body will actually remove any excessive elements that it can't use. Why doesn't my body do the same with fat?!?

Moreover, why do women have to feel so terrible during menstruation? Is there some sort of uterine depression because we didn't get pregnant that month?!? Boy, did Eve get the short end of the stick in the Garden or what?!?! She was tricked!! Adam was the one that tried to pass the buck and blame Eve or even God himself!!! Remember your scripture..."The woman YOU made for me, gave it to me and I ate." Are you kidding me?!?!

Turkey has a chemical in it that makes you sleepy. Chocolate releases endorphines similar to those released during sex. Caffeine seems as addictive as any illegal drug. Sunshine contains natural vitamin D our bodies absorb, but also has those UV rays responsible for cancer. What's a girl to do?!?!

Balance...it's all about balance. Homeostasis is the body's state of constantly maintaining balance. I just have to find mine. I have to sort through all the hype and find what is best for me and my body. So...

1. Limit my chocolate intake. OMG, it's like trying to stop breathing!!!

2. Decrease my caffeine. Somebody's going to have to pay for this...My hubby, perhaps!!!

3. Increase my servings of fruits and veggies. Through the lips and past the gums, look out colon, here it comes!!!

4. Replace lost chocolate with sex. Maybe this will make up for the caffeine deprivation attacks on my hubby!!!

5. Exercise. But, doesn't the movement of my hand to my mouth count?!? NO! Well, crap...
"heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to the gym I go"

6. Drink water. Dammit, my body already retains fluids!! At this rate, I may become the newest lake!!!

7. Keep your spirits up. Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen?!?! Give me some chocolate and we'll talk!!!

It seems like such a short list, but each one is a daily challenge! Each one is a battle in the war of the waistline!! Here's the important thing though. "Anything worth having, is worth fighting for." So I am going to put down the chocolate bars and pick up the broccoli; drop the sodas and grab the water; get off my butt and workout. It's that simple! Well, at least is should be!! I will keep working on it!

Success and Failure

2006-08-25T13:46:00.000-06:00

I have come to the realization that I am a black and white person (fellow Matchbox Twenty fans can appreciate that!!) My world has no grey. I have always itemized my life into columns and there is never any cross over. Things are either right or wrong, good or evil, successes or failures. I have always been open-minded to the world but I could always classify everything somehow. Suddenly, I find myself standing on one side of the Grand Canyon looking at the other side. When I look down all I see is an endless precipice that seems to extend into the very core of the earth. This is how I have been viewing my weight loss. I stand on my side, 242 pounds of unhappiness. On the other side, stands a 155 pound beauty.

Recently, I felt as though I tumbled down to the very bottom of that Canyon. I had failed myself. After 7 weeks and 14 pounds of success, I tripped off my edge and my fat butt rolled right down to the bottom. There I lay for 6 days wallowing in self-pity and greasy foods; looking up at the skinny side of the ravine and believing that I would never reach that glorious cliff. I was alone in the darkness.

On that 7th morning, I saw the faintest movement high above me on that dreadful side of the Grand Canyon. As more days passed, I started to see more and more activity there. There were people up there!! I could see them!! And they were trying to rescue me!!! It was then that I realized that I hadn't failed; I had just slipped. And there were people waiting for me to regain my footing!

Somehow, I have managed to climb out of my despair and I am now back up on my side. Still 242 pounds, but that other side appears a bit closer now. I look down to see that there has been the smallest few planks of board extended from beneath my feet toward my goal. They had been placed there to encourage me and to help me cross that Canyon. They had been put there by those people who care about me...My family, my friends, and those few whom I have never met personally, but have sent me more inspiration than I ever imagined might be transferred through a computer screen!

Now, I know that weight loss is a different type of battle that requires a different type of stategy. It is not just a success or failure. There can actually be success IN failure!! Without this stumble, I wouldn't have realized something about myself. More importantly, I never would have noticed those people up on that cliff, hammers in hand, waiting to add more boards to that bridge. Thanks to you all!!!

My Hell Week

2006-08-24T08:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally gave in to my cravings and boredom. I stayed home from work a couple days and found myself at the fridge most of the day. When that stopped being enough, I actually got dressed and drove to a fast food restaurant where I binged. It was only the beginning. The week that followed was overflowing with fried foods, sweets, sodas, and junk. I started acting like an addict, literally hiding from everyone while I gorged. Now, I find myself depressed and disappointed. I was doing so good. What went so wrong?!?!

I am sure that there are lots of people who do the same thing. A small slip results in a landslide of overeating that leaves that sorrowful, empty hole. I doubt myself and my strength. I regret. I try to rationalize or excuse my behavior, but it still feels like I was a completely different person for those days. I am still stuggling to find the source of my downfall. Since I can't name the problem, I decided to name that hidden self that erupts from within me from time to time. Let's call her Bertha. Let's see how she compares to Kellie.

Kellie is a vibrant, friendly, funny young woman with a blossoming career in clinical research, a beautiful family, and a brand new home on the horizon. Bertha is a reclusive, food obsessed monster who doesn't bath or leave the house for days at a time. Kellie has people in her life that love her and support her in everything she does. Bertha doesn't talk to anyone, so she doesn't know or feel the love around her. Kellie struggles with her self image and she is taking strides to improve herself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Bertha also struggles with her self image, but she feels too hopeless, worthless, and weak to try to change herself. Kellie has goals and dreams and hopes to complete her first 5K run in the next few months. Bertha is listless and inactive and hopes to just disappear from the world. Kellie is intellectual and makes good choices. Bertha is over-emotional and irrational. Kellie takes responsibility for the mistakes in her life and tries to correct them. Bertha just excuses her flaws and sins; never facing or overcoming them. Kellie is generally happy. Bertha will never be happy. I want to be Kellie.

But how? What steps can I take to ensure that Bertha is banished? What can I do to help Bertha when she does come around? Can Bertha and Kellie ever co-exist? How can Kellie be strengthened in her resolve and reassured in her soul? Are there triggers to be avoided? What can I do to be Kellie and not Bertha?

These are the questions I have to answer for myself. These are the issues to research. These are the focus of my current battles.

How long is a minute?

2006-08-09T11:19:00.000-06:00

A minute is the time it takes to pass a smile around an entire room...
A minute is how quickly your labor pains disappear once you see your newborn...
A minute is an enternity at a loved ones funeral...
A minute is lost during a busy day...
A minute is all it takes to ruin a relationship with words...
A minute is all you need to mend a ruined relationship with a few more words...
A minute is stopped when you first meet your true love...
A minute is forever when you are lonely...
A minute is heaven when its quiet...
A minute is hell for a first time jogger!!!

A minute. Sixty measly seconds. That's all it is. So, why did I almost die in one minute?!?!

I have started a beginner's training program for a 5K run. I am aiming for the October 7 Race for the Cure in only 9 weeks. This is my first week running. This is my first week dying!!!!!

My program states the first week is a 5 minute brisk walk to warm up followed by alternating repeats of 60 seconds running and 90 seconds walking. I did this on Monday and every fiber of my being screamed "What are you doing to me?!?!" That first 60 second jog seemed to last all morning and glancing at my little stop watch didn't help. I could see each tiny moment of time disappear as the ache in my legs gradually crept up my body. I felt my muscles seem to awaken for the first time in years in places I didn't even know had muscles. I lost a drop of sweat for every one of those seconds and I praised the Lord at the moment I stopped. Suddenly, it seemed as though I was in a time warp as that 90 second walk was over in a flash. I started jogging again and the seconds ticked, one by one, until I thought that I would have to stop for sure. Then, the 90 second walk...relief!! This continued for 20 minutes! Time would slow to a crawl and then dart away from me like a rocket!! Finally it was over, at least until I woke up the next morning able to pinpoint every single muscle fiber inside me.

This morning, I returned to the street. I had bought myself some brand new running shoes and a new stop watch (the other one had to be destroyed as it was obviously the key to the time-space continuum). I felt like an Olympian. I started out bravely and proudly for my 5 minute warm-up. Now, the dreaded 60 seconds...and then it was over!! I was walking again and breathing...rhythmically!! Death was nowhere to be found! The 60 seconds returns and I complete it with almost as much ease as the first!! I'M GOING TO LIVE!!! The run/walk repeats were completed and I headed back into my house. Sweaty? Yes. Achy? Yes. Dead? No! I was exhilarated!! I can't wait until Friday!

So, how long is a minute?
A minute is relative...
A minute is necessary to discover something wonderful about yourself...
A minute is an important measure to every moment of our lives...
A minute is all it took for me to share my thoughts with the world...
A minute really is heaven!!

Intimacy and Obesity

2006-08-08T11:35:00.000-06:00

April 2006. Vilonia, Arkansas.

A young couple sits alone together on their living room sofa. It is a stormy night and rain is gently pelting the windows. They are enjoying a quiet evening alone while their daughter visits her grandparents. Suddenly, a mischievous twinkle appears in his eye and she becomes visibly uncomfortable. He cautiously reaches for her hand and engulfs it with his own. He looks at her and smiles his brightest. She tries to avert her eyes, but she has already met his stare. She forces a weak smile which quickly fades with a brilliant flash of lightning. She knows that look. She knows exactly what he is thinking. She also knows that they haven't been intimate in a very long time. "How can he find me attractive?" "Why would he want me?" He is putting his arm around her..."Please, don't touch that mass of extra flesh around my middle!!" ... His hand rests on that hellish location and she tries to straighten herself slightly in a desperate attempt to flatten herself. He moves forward slowly...head tilted ever so slightly..."I can't do this!! I can't let him see me naked!!!!!" She jumps to her feet leaving him to collapse alone on the couch. In a single flash of light, she has opened the door, flung herself out into the storm, and runs screaming into the night. She is never heard from again.

Okay, so it's not as dramatic as that. And, as you are reading this, it is evident that I have not disappeared from the world, but I do find myself wishing that I could at times. Intimacy is hard for me right now. In the last few months, my self esteem has taken a real beating. I moved 3 hours away from home, I failed out of my PhD program, my husband and I nearly divorced, I fell into clinical depression, was unemployed for more than 5 months, and gained almost 40 pounds. I didn't like myself and couldn't believe that other people did! Getting out of bed each day was hard enough, much less going to bed with my husband. I didn't dress up, I didn't wear makeup, I didn't care about myself. I would oblige him sometimes and rely on my acting skills to reassure him but there were Da Rules:

1. No light of ANY kind. No lamps, no candles, no nothing.
2. Shirt ON.
3. Under the covers.
4. ALL windows and doors closed and covered completely.
5. No massages.

Sounds terrible, doesn't it?!? This was my reality a few months ago. I was a miserable wreck. Last April, on the verge on separation, my husband and I started therapy. Our marriage counselor soon became my personal psychologist as I struggled to face my destiny head on. Luckily, medication wasn't necessary and things started to look up. My husband and I reconciled once he understood the seriousness of my condition. I got a great job as a research coordinator at Arkansas Children's Hospital and postponed my PhD studies until the completion of the 3 year study I am working on. I started a diet and exercise program. All this saved my life. I am more content and my spirit is rejuvenated. I have found many online friends who are there to help me and I have vowed to become more active in my community. Unfortunately, I don't know the precise moment that my life changed, but it has improved since.

As for intimacy, I am getting better. We started breaking Da Rules gradually and one by one. I let him light one candle. I slept in the nude. We give each other massages and I don't even mind if he touches one of my jelly rolls. I regard it as his farewell to my flesh; his tender goodbye to the parts of me that have literally and figuratively weighed me down for more than a year now. It will make it all so much sweeter when he can no longer find any of those hellish locations on me!!

Now, I have to go. My daughter is spending the week with her grandparents....

A funny thing happened on the way to the scales...

2006-08-07T12:08:00.000-06:00

Oh boy. It's Monday. Why on earth did I decide to make Mondays weigh-in days?!? Why did I choose the first day of the work week?!? Why the day after the weekend when indulgence is most tempting and most prevalent?!? Why? WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!?

I awoke at 5 am this morning. A Monday. A Monday following a weekend of family visitations, rainy weather, and even an evening on the town. Ugh! I hate Monday! As with the last 6 Mondays, I ease out of my warm king-sized bed being careful not to wake my dear, sleeping dog; oh and my husband too. I creep down the hallway toward the bathroom, barefoot, and a shiver runs down my spine. I wince and squint as I flip the switch and intense, 100 watt light engulfs me. I blink several times before the small devil square on the floor becomes clear. The numbers...those dreaded numbers...numbers which seem somehow to define not only how I see myself but how everyone else sees me as well... To maintain uniformity, I strip off my nightshirt which forces me to acknowledge that person that resides in the mirror stretching the very length of the room. Her hair is a tangle of light brown straw and it is evident that she has forgotten to remove her make up the night before AGAIN. In a word, she looks...well...drunk. I suddenly feel as though I might really be hung over, though I haven't drank in weeks. Remembering the purpose of this trip, I turn my eyes downward to the floor and stare at the blank face of my oppressor. The decider of my fate. The one object that will determine whether it is a good day or a bad day. "I'll weigh myself tomorrow" and I walk past the monster. It continues to glare at me as I relieve myself. It eats at my conscience and reminds me of the committment I made to myself at the end of June. "Fine, you win!" I tap the corner of this destroyer of souls and see it's hideous face light up with joy at the chance of defeating me again. I gingerly step on its textured surface and await its judgement. It's face blinks for an eternity as it sizes me up... "I could still stop it. It would only take one little step. One little step to avoid my destiny today." But I am too late. It has returned it's fatal answer...

I had lost 1.8 pounds this week; a total of 13.5 for 6 weeks. I am so shocked that I actually repeat the entire process four more times before I finally leave the bathroom. With a sense of great pride and accomplishment, I leave the atrocity to itself and consider the victories to come. Hopefully, when I again face my adversary, I will be certain of my victory. I will not lose the battle before I have begun the fight. I will be prepared to face my opponent with confidence and self-assurance. I love Mondays!!!

2006-08-03T11:49:00.000-06:00

I have always been a fan of journalling but I don't do it as often as I should. I have managed to find a lot more free time lately and also a lot on my mind. This is the best way I know to keep a secure and private diary of my life.

I find myself facing a challenge. It's the single hardest struggle I have ever endured in my life. It's proven more difficult and more painful than my depression several months ago. It affects me physically and emotionally. This challenge requires a complete re-write of my entire lifestyle from self image to self control; from interfacing with others to facing my inner demons; from anticipating death to re-evaluating life. The odd thing is that I am not alone...millions of people around the world are engaged in a life and death battle with themselves and the way they live. And it can be summed up in only one word: obesity.

Yeah, I know, it's the ugliest word in the English language. I don't think that I have ever even voiced it in reference to myself, but here it is. I am obese. I am 29 years old, 243 pounds, with a BMI of about 38 and I am not gonna take it anymore!!!

On June 26, 2006, I started the Nutrisystem program. Now before you think that I am here to endorse that program, you are wrong. It's just that the specifics of the journey are necessary to appreciate finally reaching the destination. I mention it only as a key on the legend of my map. Now almost 6 weeks later, I am 12 pounds lighter. While that is a great success, I still feel...nonpulsed. I am not really excited and I feel alone. It's like taking a cross coutry road trip all by yourself. The drive is pretty and the arrival is exhilerating, but without someone to create memories with the trip seems wasted and pointless. Who will know about what you went through? Who will know about the bumps in the road? Who will remember the times you ran out of gas? Who will help you relive it later?

That's why I decided to blog my experiences. If for no other reason than to accompany myself on the trek. To have a way to look back and recall the specifics of my journey as they happened not as I remember them. And so, I have officially packed my bags and left my driveway. I have put a few miles behind me already, but so many more are ahead. I am looking forward to the drive, but even more to the final destination: Skinny City!!