OMGosh!! It's December! Where has the time gone?!? I got a little "put off" today when I ripped November off of my desk top calender. I have December 31st marked as "Onderland Goal" in bright green ink. The worst of it all is that if I hadn't lost myself for about 6 weeks or so, I would probably be getting very close to that goal right now!! How saddening! And extraordinarily disheartening!! It's just terrible to think about where I might have been if I had managed to stay on track.
My only comfort is knowing that I should be back to my pre-depression weight (234 lbs) by that time. I can't focus on my lost time or regrets. I have to stay totally focused on reaching my goal. Especially since it's the holiday season. There is so much more temptation right now. Two of my favorite things are typical only available around Christmas; namely egg nog and chocolate covered cherries. And I have made it to the first day of December without a single bit of either!!! YAY ME!!!
December is a very busy month in general too and I am hoping that the extra fun activities will keep me busy and my mind off all the Christmas goodies skulking about the stores. Today, I am going with my hubby's high school marching band all the way to Shreveport, Louisiana. They were invited (and paid) to perform in the Christmas parade there. I have my meals packed and plan to stick to my plan as best I can. Next weekend, I am taking Friday off and Phil and I are headed up to St. Louis for three days. We haven't been alone together since last May and we are going to see my fave comic Jeff Dunham!!! I am so excited!! Then there is my office party on the 15th and then of course Christmas and New Years!! That doesn't even include the 8-10 days of travelling for work that I will be doing this month!! WHEW!! All that should definitely keep me occupied!!!
So, now I am setting a new Onderland Goal: May 18, 2007. This will coordinate perfectly with my 10 year anniversary and a good friend's 40th birthday, which better be one helluva party!!! ;)
PS. "helluva" was actually in my spell checker!!!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Turtles, Turtles, Everywhere!
My obsession with turtles may be obvious visually, but also has a symbolic meaning. I am an animal freak!! I have a zoo membership and have applied to be a volunteer docent in the spring. I am a fanatic over Animal Planet (I actually record Meerkat Manor weekly!!) and love the Discovery channel. I have had pets all my life and have fostered many, many others. I have cared for the typical domestic breeds; right now, we have a dog, a cat, a hamster, and a 75 gallon fish tank full of rather promiscuous guppies. I have also enjoyed my share of exotics; I've lived with African bullfrogs, endangered salamanders, 3-toed box turtles, and even a black widow spider once. So, it's no surprise that I associate a lot with the animal kingdom.
Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:
Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"
And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.
Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.
So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.
I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!
BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)
Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:
Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"
And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.
Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.
So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.
I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!
BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
5 Things
5 Things I like about myself:
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.
5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"
5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.
5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.
5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"
5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.
5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Just thinking...
My mind is full and racing today and I just can't understand why! Yet, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing today! I haven't sincerely accomplished anything at work today and I just keep jumping back and forth between the other blogs I regularly read. (As though, they will somehow provide some miraculous answer to my mental state today!) So, I have finally decided to just free write for a while and see if anything comes of it.
WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!
I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...
why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?
Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)
WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!
I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...
why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?
Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)
Thanks + giving
First and foremost, I am having "one of those days". I had so much trouble just getting out of my bed this morning. Unfortunately, it's more than just fatigue from the long weekend; it's my "what is the point of it all" mentality that keeps me lying there. However, I did manage to force myself to rise this morning and I am desperately trying to leave this schlumpy feeling behind.
So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...
Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!
Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.
I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!
So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...
Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!
Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.
I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Mission Impossible?
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate and detain one Kellie Nichols.
{insert spy theme music here}
Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.
Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!
This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
{insert spy theme music here}
Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.
Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!
This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Biology of Sex and Cheating...
Men: Visually stimulated (it's why they get an erection from a magazine)
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)
Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)
Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)
Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference
Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)
Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)
These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)
Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)
Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)
Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference
Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)
Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)
These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!
Monday, November 20, 2006
And my weekend is over....
Oh, it's Monday...AGAIN!!! I really hate Mondays; they mean that the weekend is really over and that the next one is as far away as it can get!! But it's a short week...
"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!
Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39
There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.
So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.
They are just numbers!!!!
"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!
Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39
There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.
So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.
They are just numbers!!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Refocusing
I realize that I started this blog to help me with my thoughts on my weight loss struggle. Amazingly, it has become a means of daily venting my everyday struggles with work, marriage, family, everything. It's so funny that I find myself today with absolutely nothing to discuss!! Everything that's going on in my life right now and I have no focal discussion!! My thoughts are scattered and I can't follow a single train of thought to any distinct location!!
I am still angry with Philip.
I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.
I am still fighting against temptation.
So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I am still angry with Philip.
I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.
I am still fighting against temptation.
So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The good, the bad, and the real ugly...
The good was reported yesterday when I discussed his loving and attentive detail in confronting all I had to share with him.
The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!
The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.
I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.
He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!
I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!
The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!
The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.
I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.
He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!
I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Discussion Result
Okay, so I took the cowards way out and instead of actually telling him everything, I did just what I had proposed. I copied my blog about it all, handed it to him, left the room, and waited.
A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?
He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.
He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.
I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.
And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....
A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?
He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.
He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.
I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.
And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
My thoughts
I know that I am so erratic about posting here, but I am desperately trying to get better. There are times when this is the only place that I can be myself. It's a fairly ridiculous notion, I know, especially when you consider that most people hide themselves in cyberspace. On the contrary, I can cry, bitch, whine, scream and the words are always the same and the audience is faceless. I can put to screen all the things I feel like I can't put to words... all my sadness, my fears, everything. A great example was my previous post. I told the vacuum of space (and those few that are interested in reading) about my recent "episode". I still haven't told my husband any part of it. My therapist directly said to inform him, but I haven't been able to. Now, I am faced with the last night before my appointment tomorrow. I told him this morning that we needed to talk this evening, but as the day slips away, I am struggling with how to do it. I have almost resolved to just letting him read that post, but then it would open up my secret hiding place to him. Here is where I deposit my anger. Here is where I express my desires. Here is where I attempt to leave my depression. Here is where I lose myself.
So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.
Then I will wait...
I will wait to see his reaction...
I will wait to find out what he says...
I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...
Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!
So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.
Then I will wait...
I will wait to see his reaction...
I will wait to find out what he says...
I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...
Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!
Monday, November 06, 2006
New November?
So, for those who keep up, I haven't written in over a month. Things have not gone according to plan. I am lost. I am afraid. And I am clinically depressed.
About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.
In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.
Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.
I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.
We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!
All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.
My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.
About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.
In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.
Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.
I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.
We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!
All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.
My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.
Monday, September 25, 2006
))))))DAMMIT!!!((((((
Kellie, I'm waiting for you...
Kellie, I miss you so much and I know that you miss me...
Kellie, I'm only $2.78. You have that in change there in your car...
Kellie, I'm all your favorite things...
Kellie, hurry, there's not much time left...
Damn you Hot Fudge Brownie Blast!! Damn you to HELL!!!!
Is it obvious that I spent yet another weekend overindulged? I am still working on finding out why I do this to myself. I have discovered my mental reasoning behind the fast food binges but I haven't discovered how to counter them. And so, I ate 3 (yes, that's THREE!!!) Hot Fudge Brownie Blasts from Sonic over the weekend and the excuses started flowing...
I still haven't gone grocery shopping and Sonic is about 13 miles closer than Wal-Mart.
I am menstruating and I NEED chocolate.
My diet has already been ruined, so what will it hurt now?
It's a limited time promo, I should have them while I can!!
UGH! I hate this. I hate feeling defeated and deterred by something so stupid!! I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I am worthy of health and happiness. I CAN change my life!!!
I am going to do a bit more study on my irrational logic today and try to figure out some strategies to defeat my poor reasoning when it comes to food. I also intend to put to paper (or screen) my motivations. I need to decide why this weight loss journey is important to me and find a way to keep some handy reminders of those close at hand.
I have got to get myself together already!!!!!
Kellie, I miss you so much and I know that you miss me...
Kellie, I'm only $2.78. You have that in change there in your car...
Kellie, I'm all your favorite things...
Kellie, hurry, there's not much time left...
Damn you Hot Fudge Brownie Blast!! Damn you to HELL!!!!
Is it obvious that I spent yet another weekend overindulged? I am still working on finding out why I do this to myself. I have discovered my mental reasoning behind the fast food binges but I haven't discovered how to counter them. And so, I ate 3 (yes, that's THREE!!!) Hot Fudge Brownie Blasts from Sonic over the weekend and the excuses started flowing...
I still haven't gone grocery shopping and Sonic is about 13 miles closer than Wal-Mart.
I am menstruating and I NEED chocolate.
My diet has already been ruined, so what will it hurt now?
It's a limited time promo, I should have them while I can!!
UGH! I hate this. I hate feeling defeated and deterred by something so stupid!! I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I am worthy of health and happiness. I CAN change my life!!!
I am going to do a bit more study on my irrational logic today and try to figure out some strategies to defeat my poor reasoning when it comes to food. I also intend to put to paper (or screen) my motivations. I need to decide why this weight loss journey is important to me and find a way to keep some handy reminders of those close at hand.
I have got to get myself together already!!!!!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Self Psychiatry
Okay, so I am not a licensed professional, but who knows me better than me? So I think that makes me more than qualified to analyze my own issues.
Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.
1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.
2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!
3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"
4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.
5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!
6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!
Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.
Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.
1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.
2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!
3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"
4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.
5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!
6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!
Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Sometimes it just sucks to be me...
My mental thermostat must be set to fan because I can really just blow off everything in a moment.
We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.
WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!
And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.
The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!
Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?
I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!
We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.
WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!
And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.
The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!
Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?
I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Free Write
Well, I really don't have a specific topic today, so I will just put to screen whatever comes to mind. I am sitting here having my afternoon yogurt and trying to decide what to do at the gym this afternoon. Time is always an issue in my household. My husband is a director of one of the best and largest bands in Arkansas. This means that he is far more busy and inaccessible than most other teachers. In fact, Monday evenings and Sundays are just about the only times that we see him. With marching practice, sectionals, color guard rehearsals, games (jr high and sr high), I tend to think he prefers his job at VHS than his position as a father and husband. He is so dedicated to the program and I can see the pride he takes in his job. But shouldn't the passion he has for his career also be found in his personal life. I get so jealous of his time. There are some times when our daughter doesn't see him for days because he leaves before she's up and doesn't get home until after she goes to bed!! It's unreal! And he can't understand why I get so mad at times. There are even nights when he's there all evening and then brings it home with him!! It hurts to see him so completely and totally devoted to something other than us. And there are so many other issues associated with this too. For instance, he jumps when the school or other directors call him, but there are times he "doesn't hear" me calling his cell. Also, he is very well informed about the schedule for the band, but even after I remind him of a family commitment several times, he still forgets!! He comes home every evening exhausted and frustrated or whatever else he may be feeling at work and lays it all on me and Megan. His list of priorities is topped by this job!! I can't understand that!! My job is 3rd on my list and I love my job!!! Our entire marriage has focused on his career goals and his schedule. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is successful, but at what cost?!? I am worried about his relationship with Megan, our marriage, our future... He is not selfish, but self centered. His tunnel vision ends at the band hall. It's just so aggravating!! I could handle a mistress, that I would know exactly how to counter, but what do you do when his job IS his mistress?!?! How can I compete in the few precious hours he spends at home? He makes me feel neglected, unappreciated, and uninteresting. Even during the summers he's like this. Then there is music to pick out, instruments to repair, drill to write... It makes me want to scream!!! And of course, we can't plan anything. Weekends are games, contests,..... I love him so much, that has never been a question, but I wonder sometimes if he really loves me. If he did, wouldn't he come home when all the others band directors leave the school? If he did, wouldn't he be excited to see me after working all day? If he did, wouldn't I be able to feel it ALL of the time? Lord, I hate self-doubt!! I hate wondering and worrying! I hate watching and waiting! And above all, I hate trying to go to bed at night alone!! I can't sleep, dammit!! I toss and turn the whole time while he sits in the study working on the computer or while he is at an away game. Its so frustrating! Then, the guilt sets in!! Is this just my problem? Should I really be upset about this? How stupid is this to fight over?!? But it just keeps coming up and he just keeps being gone and I just keep getting more and more heartbroken. I'm sitting here typing this, thinking what a really ridiculous issue to be so pissed off about, but I can't help it! It's not like he's cheating or abusing me or anything. So, why the hell does this bother me so much that I am sitting alone in my office on a Friday afternoon typing furiously about this whole thing?
Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!
Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!
Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!
Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Progress report
This week marks the 10th week on my weight loss program. I have lost a total of 17 pounds so far, which is alot until you consider that I have to lose 86 pounds more to reach my goal. Remarkably, alot has changed in my life during those weeks. Other than the weight loss, I am starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I actually wore a t-shirt tucked into my jeans for the first time in years!! I have developed a bit more drive in my day-to-day life as well, though it still remains very hard for me to get up as early as I need to. I have managed to stay relatively faithful to Nutrisystem with only a few cheat days and I have been drinking about 80 ounces of water daily. Lots of bathroom time!!
I've learned some stuff about myself too. I'm allergic to the elliptical machine. I don't require caffiene to live. Internet buddies can become great friends. Yogurt is not the enemy, but cameras still are! Gym classes require fresh underwear. Cheating is not necessarily failing. I can overcome depression. My husband really does think I'm sexy. Goals can always be altered a bit. Losing weight is not easy but it is possible!
Ultimate SEXY Summer Goal (July 2007)
I've learned some stuff about myself too. I'm allergic to the elliptical machine. I don't require caffiene to live. Internet buddies can become great friends. Yogurt is not the enemy, but cameras still are! Gym classes require fresh underwear. Cheating is not necessarily failing. I can overcome depression. My husband really does think I'm sexy. Goals can always be altered a bit. Losing weight is not easy but it is possible!
Ultimate SEXY Summer Goal (July 2007)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Tips for going to the gym.
So, I completed my 2nd aerobics class at the gym today during my lunch hour. After the first one, I learned that a mid day exercise REQUIRES a mid day shower!! Today, I managed to get through the entire 30 minute routine and was really looking forward to that shower when I realized a few things would have to be remedied before my next venture.
1. Always have a hair clip or ponytail holder! I was so desperate to pull my medium length hair up that I unraveled some of the stitches from the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hair!
2. Bring a towel of EVERY size. Just because they say they have towels available doesn't mean they have them "available". You need 3: a hand towel for the coursing sweat, a washcloth (or face towel for you northerners) to clean your funky butt, and a bath towel to dry you clean.
3. Buy a lock. Yes, they have lockers, but no locks!
4. You WILL NEED a hair dryer and a hair brush. This is especially true if, like me, your gym is associated with your office. You HAVE to exercise...You HAVE to shower...You HAVE to wash your hair too...and...You HAVE to be able to fix it back!!! I didn't even have a brush with me to detangle it!! I had to cross the campus looking like a drowned rat!!
5. You will also NEED to bring your makeup. Okay, so I looked like a very pale, disgusting drowned rat!!!
6. Flip flops or water shoes are a Must. It occurred to me just how disgusted the floor of those public showers could be....don't chance it! Cover your feet!!!
And this is the most important one....
7. Bring CLEAN underwear!!! It does you no damn good to take a shower only to discover that you got to put on the same sweaty drawers again!! EEWWW!!!!
I wrote all the necessities down on a post-it note and stuck it to my gym bag. Hopefully, Thursdays adventure will leave me much less homeless-looking!!!
1. Always have a hair clip or ponytail holder! I was so desperate to pull my medium length hair up that I unraveled some of the stitches from the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hair!
2. Bring a towel of EVERY size. Just because they say they have towels available doesn't mean they have them "available". You need 3: a hand towel for the coursing sweat, a washcloth (or face towel for you northerners) to clean your funky butt, and a bath towel to dry you clean.
3. Buy a lock. Yes, they have lockers, but no locks!
4. You WILL NEED a hair dryer and a hair brush. This is especially true if, like me, your gym is associated with your office. You HAVE to exercise...You HAVE to shower...You HAVE to wash your hair too...and...You HAVE to be able to fix it back!!! I didn't even have a brush with me to detangle it!! I had to cross the campus looking like a drowned rat!!
5. You will also NEED to bring your makeup. Okay, so I looked like a very pale, disgusting drowned rat!!!
6. Flip flops or water shoes are a Must. It occurred to me just how disgusted the floor of those public showers could be....don't chance it! Cover your feet!!!
And this is the most important one....
7. Bring CLEAN underwear!!! It does you no damn good to take a shower only to discover that you got to put on the same sweaty drawers again!! EEWWW!!!!
I wrote all the necessities down on a post-it note and stuck it to my gym bag. Hopefully, Thursdays adventure will leave me much less homeless-looking!!!
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