Afternoon delight?

From my straddled position, I can feel the firmness beneath me. My legs, knees bent, begin that natural rhythm. Oh, God, What am I doing here?!? This isn't me! I don't do this sort of thing! But, it's too late. There's no turning back now. The heat begins to radiate throughout my body and the aching has begun. My breath increases with each up and down motion, accompanied by an excruciatingly loud heartbeat ringing in my ears. We turn and my mind screams "STOP", but my body just won't listen. And even as I miss my one opportunity to escape, the anticipation is continually mounting. My limbs begin to tingle and the heat is now a flame consuming me. My body glistens as the pace becomes more and more furious. Faster and faster, until I can no longer breathe. At any moment, my heart will burst. One last brutal pump and I finally reach that magnificent summit! Excitement overtakes me and I fall back to coast on the sheer delight of completion. A shiver washes over me and warmth settles over my entire frame. A whisper of shame hovers in the air around me as I dismount as casually as possible; legs trembling, face red, unable even to speak. Man, I can't wait to ride my bike again!

Almost back 100%

<---- That's me right now! Well, maybe a little chunkier. ;) May will be a very busy month for me! Travel, my dad's knee surgery, a garage sale, my 10th wedding anniversary, life... I'm tired just thinking about it!

I am also trying desperately to rejoin the ranks of professional bloggers!! I am working on catching up with all my favorites, and there are so many!! But I am really looking forward to it.

Life has been pretty good the last week or so. I contacted a publishing company with my story idea and even started putting the ideas to paper (well, computer screen anyway!) Is it possible that I am the next J.K. Rowling?!? I guess we'll see! It would be extraordinary!!

I have officially found my household animal limit!! This past weekend we kept the in-laws dachshund while they were out of town. It was quite the experience! If you know me, then you also know that I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 hamster, 2 toads, 2 goldfish, a 75 gallon fish tank filled with very fruitful guppies, and 2 chicks that my daughter got for Easter! The addition of one more dog, even an itty bitty one, proved almost overwhelming! I had to take the dogs out in shifts as they would scatter if I took them all out at once. And you can forget the use of leashes in a any 2+ dog arrangement! Imagine the most ridiculous dog-walker you can. You know the one who is forced into a tree when the dogs split it or the one who falls and is subsequently pulled at least 10 feet more. Hold on to that image and insert my face and you can witness my weekend! I may have just been cured of my tenderhearted affinity for the animal shelters!

I got an email from a best friend who is about to return to Iraq for his THIRD tour of duty there! I am so worried. It seems like he is just pushing his luck!!

On the other hand, my brother in law will be coming home for a 2 week leave in just 10 days!! We are so excited! He left for his post in Iraq last June and we haven't seen him in so long. We can't wait!

And finally, another military friend just finished his final days of service and is planning a move to Orlando. He said we could come visit anytime we want!!!

Funny Friday Mail

I got this in the mail. Don't think I will be using my GNC Gold Card anytime soon!!

Be sure to notice that it is all burnt up! Also, the date on it is 3/15/2005!!!
The back reads as follows:

Dear Valued Postal Customer:

I want to extend my sincere apology as your Plant Manager for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.

We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion.

The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen.

We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into mail-stream.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

PLANT MANAGER

?

I guess this is a bit of free writing. I don't have a specific topic or issue to discuss. I suppose there are portions in your life that are literally just "living". It can't always be overtly terrible or even joyous all the time, huh?

There's little to report. My thoughts are wondering all over today. My grandmother is having some trouble with her heart but refuses to go to a cardiologist. She's not bedridden or anything, and I find that I am not really scared for her. She is my spiritual mother and I have always looked to her as a model of how a life should be. She has claimed to be ready to go to heaven for a while and says that she has more friends there than left here. She is not in pain and is merely going on with her life everyday. She just refuses any sort of excessive medical attention. She does seem to get weaker and weaker as her heart slowly fails, but she is content and so I am as well.

I am, however, trying to get back on track with my weight loss. I weighed myself yesterday and I have managed to put all my weight back on plus some!! I am up to an unhealthy 250.2 pounds! I have started to focus on just being healthy instead of trying to be "skinny". I am learning to love myself right now as a person. I've found that telling myself that I am pretty makes me feel pretty. I love the bedroom results I have had from telling myself that I am sexy!! ;) And so, does my husband!! So, I am working on making some smaller changes in my lifestyle and building up a plan for myself. Last weekend, I was invited to a small beach wedding for a best friend...in August. It's given me something to focus on. I have a lovely sun dress that I have "outgrown". I am hoping to be able to wear it for the event.

I haven't had much to say about the tragedy of Virginia Tech except that I am sorry that it happened. I can't say that I am surprised though. The world seems to become a more terrifying place each year. I get the feeling that these poor souls who commit these atrocities find them the only way that they can compete in our country. Our world focuses so much attention on all the bad things in the world, it's no wonder, it keeps getting worse! Okay, lets say I am trying desperately to make my way in this world. I want to make a mark so badly that I am willing to do anything to get my name in the history books. Which do you think will get the most press: the making of my first $1,000,000; my collection of over 30,000 cans of Silly String for US troops, or the murder/suicide of myself and 30 other people at my university? The question has already been answered this month. Each of these events has actually occurred within the last month. Which will be remembered? Which will be in our children's history books? Our society has managed to somehow taint glory itself. Instead of achieving glory in honor, in charity, or even in typical fame; individuals are attempting to attain glory in infamy. And the US gives it to them! You can see it in your nightly news, what gets the majority of air time? Scandal, Murder, Death, War. I can accept the presence of these things, but can't we find equal time for Faith, Joy, Kindness, Peace, Life!! If perhaps the Virginia Tech shooter had seen countless top stories of hope, humanity, and happiness, his response might have been different. I realize that this is definitely not the absolute answer to this tragedy, but isn't it just as possible?

Funny Friday

Maintaining a healthy level of INSANITY!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water (with a serious face) whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Vanilla Thunder.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Be sure to name the dog "Cat"; the cat "Dog"; and the fish "Sushi".

21. Every time you pick up the butter knife, yell "FOUR!".

22. Go see a comic movie and weep hysterically.

23. Wear your socks over your shoes.

24. When you pass a car on the interstate, honk the horn then turn away from the passed vehicle and wave at the nothingness before you.

25. Smile every moment you're awake!

Here's to a wonderful weekend!!

Thoughts for Thursday

The last few days have been really great for me! Some really amazing things have happened!

Phil and I are getting along great. I have stopped being so worried about all the little things. I have really started being aware of those moments when the fight that might ensure over an issue would be more harmful than the issue itself. Basically, I am choosing my battles. I am focusing on trying to discover what it is that I want for my life. I am not sweating the small stuff.

My mood has improved greatly. I am even enjoying house work!! My imagination has flourished and I feel as though I have had a visit from a muse. There are nights that I can't sleep as my thoughts are flying with writing ideas. I haven't started back on my exercise, but I am headed in the right direction.

Here's the huge kicker... I have quit my job at the Children's Hospital! I am applying for graduate school at the University of Central Arkansas. Now, the only problem is choosing a direction!! I have a bachelor's degree in Biology. I took the medical research route up to now and I enjoy it as long as I am in the laboratory. Unfortunately, Arkansas is not exactly a research hub and jobs are scarce. I have always had a passion for animals, and I am considering studies in that field. Completing my 2 year master's degree would coincide with the hopeful addition of a penguin exhibit at our local zoo and I would love to be in charge of it. My last choice is to teach. UCA has a Masters of Art in Teaching which would mean I could go directly into teaching science, but I am not sure that I am teacher material. I love kids and have volunteered on several occasions both at church and at my daughter's school. I am just not sure that I am right for a daily teaching position. Again, something more to consider, but I have until July to determine my direction.

Even though I am lacking a bit of direction, I feel great about everything! I have planned my birthday trip to see my cousin in Virginia with a weekend excursion to New York City!! I have a full summer ahead of me which includes a bit more travel and plenty of time to find my way.

Thanks to all of the wonderful support that everyone has given me lately. Michelle left me a wonderful, uplifting poem. Fatmom shared some wonderful insight. And all those of you, including, but definitely not limited to, Robyn, Jeannie, Christy, Tiffany, and so many others that have helped to keep me going by just a few words of kindness. Even the very odd comments left by a few strangers have made me smile. Thanks so much!!!!!!

My world is changing...

I am on the verge of a major turning point in my life. Up to this point, I have tried my best to live up to the expectations of everyone around me. My friends were so certain that I would be the first to marry, and I was. My parents were so confident that I would be the first in our family with a college degree, and I was. My husband wanted a second income so badly that I settle for a job I did not truly want. My community wants me to be a dutiful citizen, volunteer, and role model, and I have pushed myself into commitments.

Gratefully, most of these pressures have had positive results. Some, on the other hand, have turned out to be disastrous. I have never truly focused all my energy and potential on what it is that I want out of life. It's an error that has left me completely uncertain of who I am and what it is I want! I have somewhere lost sight not only of my own personal goals, but also, of the very person I want to be. I feel as though I have become the worst possible version of myself; like my Pandora's Box has been opened and all the laziness, gluttony, discontent, indifference, and negativity has flooded my existence. I cannot blame my current reality on anyone who has pressured me in any way. I am responsible for the decisions I have made all my life and I can certainly make decisions that can change it all.

I, and I alone, am in charge of my joy; no one else has the control to create my happiness. My current reality; my weight, my marriage, my career, my depression; is not the definition of who I am. This current reality is nothing more than a reflection of my past decisions. I decided to overeat and not exercise. I decided to get married at 19 years old. I decided to take the very first job I was offered out of college even though I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. I decided to sit and dwell on all the things I don't have in my life and my unhappiness. I decided to retract my own joy!!

I have attracted all this bad energy by emitted bad energy. It's all about the universal Law of Attraction; like attracts like. You've seen it. If you wake up in a good mood, the day just seems to get better and better. All those good feelings are continually amplified throughout the day. If you stumped your toe when you got out of bed, your bad mood sets up a snowball effect that just gets worse and worse throughout the rest of the day. Whatever I am thinking and feeling today is creating my future.

My mentality toward my weight has been "I'm fat and I HAVE to change myself". I convince myself that losing weight is difficult and that I can't love myself unless I am skinny. I have told myself this so many times that I believe it and it becomes true. Losing weight becomes difficult and I don't love myself as a thick sister. I just create a poor self image that consumes me a bit more each time I fail. I continually confirm the thoughts instead of changing them, and so then I can't change myself.

My relationships have always suffered from my negative energy. I only acknowledge all the issues that I have with my friends, family, and especially, my husband. It's like finding a lose thread on a sweater at the beginning of the day. Throughout the day, you are painfully aware of this one thread. It bugs you; it annoys you; you know everyone sees it as well. So, you fret over it and fiddle with it all day long. By the time you get home, what has happened? That spot on the sweater has, of course, unravelled. This is what I do to people. I have fretted over the things that bug me about them. I lock onto their individual personality quirks or issues and they just seem to grow before my eyes. I lose sight of the things that first attracted me into a relationship with that person. This is what has plagued my marriage. I have lost sight of all the things that I love about Philip because I can only see all the things that I hate. He does not create nor destroy my happiness; I do that to myself. I have never truly let go of our past issues, never truly accepted his apologies; never helped him feel anything but the negativity that I expected him to do. So, I left him no positive reinforcement about what makes me happy; no affirmative response to the things he was doing right. I couldn't declare what I wanted from him so how could he possibly do it! I am married to a wonderful person, I just have to rediscover him and help him to do the same.

I took a job that I knew wasn't what I wanted to do. I took it because it was the first one offered to me. It didn't play to my strengths, my interests, or even my education. I went into the position with a sense of tolerance, "I will do this for a while even though I don't really like it, and hopefully something else will come along." I settled and then was surprised to find that there was no joy or even contentment in doing the job. Even though everyone there asserted I was doing a very, very good job, I hated getting up each morning, driving for an hour to sit at a desk for 8 hours shuffling paperwork and being rejected my people over the phone. I did it to myself, but I can change it myself.

Depression is a perfect reflection of this like attracts like mentality. Depression is a pit of despair that seems to deepen each day as you are constantly thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. You start to think you don't deserve happiness and again, you convince yourself that it's absolutely true!! I have done the same. I have looked back on the struggles of the past few years and regretted so many of my actions that it is so easy to believe that I am a weak or bad person. My health has suffered, my lifestyle has suffered, my very life has been put in danger because of my own mental state. Medical science has proved the power of positive thinking: the clinical use of placebos, the miracle of those who survive cancer, the regenerative power of the human body itself. Happy thoughts lead to a happier biochemistry and thus an happier body. On the other hand, despair, stress, worry, have been scientifically proven to weaken the immune system and therefore the body itself. I will not do this to myself any longer. I will not commit suicide by drowning in a sea of my own thoughts.

I have generated more attention toward the problems in my life, and have made the abundance in my life invisible. It's like an election where you love one candidate, but hate the other. We typically discuss all the things we dislike about the one instead of the things we like about the other. What happens? The negative publicity the one candidate receives can actually push them over the top to victory!! Energy flows where attention goes. I am redirecting my attention to the abundance in my life. I am redirecting all my energy toward the happiness that has eluded me.

I will express gratitude for the things that I have. I will embrace the power within myself to change. I will experience the potential to create my universe as I go along. I am the author of my destiny. The pen is in my hand and the outcome is whatever I chose. I just have to start writing.

So far, So good...

Not much to report on the marriage front. We are living amicably enough; no arguments, a few talks. We'll see.

Of course, he's waiting on me hand and foot right now. It's a bit annoying, mostly because I am pretty sure that it is not a permanent adjustment. He has a lot of trouble talking to me about anything but trivialities, and any serious conversations we have about our problems have to be initiated by me. He did at least finally say he was sorry, but I asked him for what. I wanted to be sure that he knew exactly what had bothered me about the whole thing. I think he gets it. Now to just have him able to keep it in mind.

Everyone is on Spring Break right now, and there's an awful lot of awkward silence, especially when Megan is here too. The other issue is our trip back to my hometown later this week. My family is completely unaware of our current troubles, and so our plans haven't been changed to reflect them. My uncle got us a stay at the very bed and breakfast we honeymooned at almost 10 years ago; in the very same room! Thankfully, Megan will be staying there with us, so it will hopefully not be as difficult as I am expecting. The real challenge will be hiding all this from my family members for 4 days. The only reason for that is the intrusive nature of my family members. They would be trying desperately to "fix us". Love 'em, but oh how they butt in!!

Here's hoping my next posts are a bit more fun!!

WTH?!?

"I hear what you are saying. What I get so confused about in these blogs is why people air their problems such as this. The people commenting in this section have no investment in your relationship. You should be talking to him, not posting a very personal, hurtful situation. Does he read your blog? Maybe this is part of the problem. You look for your comfort from anonymous friends, and not the person you devoted your life to. I don't get it." -an anonymous comment left on a previous post here.

Why do people seek advice from therapists?

Why do overweight people seek support groups?

Why do people call in to radio stations?

Why do people, for that matter, turn to friends and family for emotional stability?

It saddens me that you don't get it, and that is unfortunate. The answer is nothing more than a connection to others, ANY others, who share a common thread of humanity. If you can find even one stranger that can lift your spirits even for the briefest of moments it is so worthwhile to air your problems. If you can find even one faceless listener to provide you with an instant of understanding when you need it most, it is a wonder to share your personal, hurtful situations. If you can find even one anonymous friend to provide you with a few words of comfort it is a blessing.

And so, I am so sorry that you don't "get it", but it has proven a source of fellowship, inspiration, and solace to me many times before. I can only hope that those whom you have termed "people" know that I consider them friends.

Oh and by the way, thanks for the comment!

Finding Forgiveness

The post title may be misleading in that forgiveness is not what I have found yet. What I have found is strength; the strength to tell him everything I needed him to hear; the strength to lay it all out on the line full force and with no sugar coating; the strength to take control of my life and my situation.

Currently, our marriage is a tight rope. One slight little jolt and we both fall off of it. That's the end; divorce. But, taking things slowly and carefully, we may be able to reach the other side safely and together.

We went out to dinner tonight in an attempt at talking. It was one of those times when you decide on a public place in the hopes of avoiding a scene. Three hours later, we returned home under the terms of a verbal agreement. I would stay for one final chance at a successful relationship with him. However, there are LOTS of specifics and, I suppose, conditions that we both require of each other. Some of the highlights of the conversation...

1. Pornography of an sort is no longer welcome in our marriage. It has only hurt us.
2. He must delete the "tainted" email account and get a new one; providing me with the password.
3. We must be completely honest with each other about everything. I've been no angel myself and so this one is important to both of us.
4. We sleep separately, but get up before our daughter so that she doesn't know.
5. He does not expect me to engage in any of the regular "wifely duties": I'm not doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying his bills, managing his schedule. It's an opportunity for him to see what contributions I make in our marriage.
6. He is invited to read my blog. As it's where I freely express myself, perhaps he can learn something about me in the process.
7. He understands and admits that regaining trust will take a very long time, but vehemently declares that he is willing to do it.
8. He agrees to find more time to spend with the family at home.
9. He agrees to take a more active role in Megan's education.
10. He actually wants to go back to church. Here's where I will struggle, I've been angry at Him too for a long time.

I have agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings for a while. I made sure he understood that this was certainly no victory over me, but an opportunity for him. The only thing I want for myself is a clear conscience in the fact that I truly did everything in my power to save my marriage. I don't feel that now. Anger has been my primary emotion these last few days, but I can't rely on any decision that I make in anger, especially where it concerns my daughter as well. I also have to take a long, hard look at myself as an individual, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. Now is the time to start doing a few things for each of these portions of my soul. It's the perfect opportunity to sort the real Kellie out of all the bullshit I have covered myself in over the years. I think this will certainly ease some of the resentment I have been carrying.

He knows I haven't forgiven him and he claims to understand my position completely. The coming months will definitely determine whether or not Philip and I can stay on that tight rope.

Hurt, Humiliated, Human.

It's early on this Wednesday morning and I haven't slept yet. All I can think about is my failing marriage. I am afraid that the hatred I feel right now has hardened my heart. I can't feel anything but anger right now. I can't even look at him without wanting to make him bleed somehow. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. I want him to feel what I have been forced to feel these last few years. I want him to feel the humiliation of believing you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough. I want to make him suffer so that on the very slim chance I do eventually take him back, he'll remember this coldness. I am also angry that it appears up to me, yet again, to do the right thing. Why in the hell do I have to be the better person. I have forgiven him so many times already, why again, why now! Haven't I given him more than enough opportunities to change; to prove he loves me; and yet I am expected to do it again!! It's sickening to give all of yourself to someone only to have them chew you up, spit you out, and then believe that they deserve seconds. At what cost do I forgive him for this? What part of myself will I be sacrificing now? Can I seriously look at myself in a mirror if I allow him the opportunity to take advantage of me again? I have given 10 years of my life to this man, how much more do I have to give before it's my turn to be happy? I can't trust him, how can I be married to him? Why am I the one getting all the lectures from friends and even family?!? I just want him to understand how he makes me feel. I just want him to respect my feelings and take into consideration how the things he does affect me as a woman, as a wife, and as a human being. And if I truly believe that he is incapable of doing this, is it wrong for me to yearn to find someone else who can? He hasn't even said "I'm Sorry"!!! He just keeps trying to explain it away!! How can I forgive him when he doesn't even understand what he is doing to me?

A bit of clarification seems to be needed...

My previous post mentioned my nonchalant attitude toward pornography, adult novelties, and adult clubs. Apparently, this is extremely ghastly to some of you and I have actually received some rather preachy emails about the sinful nature of these things. My response is two-fold. First, I can honestly say that the opinions of others rarely affect my personal life. I will always happily accept advice and even criticism, but that certainly doesn't mean that I will follow through on it. I live my life to the very best of my abilities and no one can make me feel otherwise. My second response is to soften the words I used in my frustration yesterday. I admittedly left the door wide open for responses and even some personal attacks based on some poor phrasing. I will clarify by saying that I am not by any means referencing materials that include overtly immoral and/or illegal activities. As far as I am concerned, the activities I am referring to can be used to invigorate a sex life, entice an intimate moment, or improve sexual performance. Research has shown that couples who are able to utilize these tools TOGETHER enjoy a much more vibrant and satisfying sex life. One the other hand, these tools have been proven to destroy relationships when used secretively by only one partner. It is the latter that is the problem in my marriage right now although the former was my original plan. I can, at least, admit to the use of the grittier and possibly more offensive terms in my previous post, but the sentiment is the same.

Thankfully, the negativity has only come to me directly via email. I am very grateful for the support of those who have responded here. It really, really, REALLY helps to let loose about what's going on in my life and hear a few words of kindness and strength right now.

Finally putting myself first...

After confronting him, he asserts that he hasn't pursued anything in those emails in four years. He says that he immediately deletes them as soon as he receives them. However, I found that he had one of the girl's profiles saved to his account, a fact, which again, he says is from years ago when he thought I would seriously be interested in participating in a threesome!!! So, why the fuck didn't he remove himself from their mailing list or whatever he needed to do to get rid of these WEEKLY emails!!! So, I am either married to a man with intentions of cheating in the future, a man who is just too stupid to know how to properly manage his accounts, or a man who is so completely inconsiderate and disrespectful that he seriously doesn't think it is that important!! It comes down to just three questions that I am continually asking myself over this past week:

1. Is he ever going to change? Apparently, not. We have had these exact same issues for over four years now. He is dishonest and untrustworthy. He hides things from me. I have told him a thousand times that if he would just be honest and tell me up front, I wouldn't be so angry as when he hides shit and I have to find out for myself somehow. Pornography is the best example. I come from a very liberal home and I honestly have absolutely no problem with porn, sex toys, strip clubs, any of that stuff. He, on the other hand, comes from a very conservative background where such things are taboo. Obviously, he finds Internet porn illicit and exciting, definitely something I can understand, but when he feels he has to hide it from me, that's when I get my feelings so hurt. We've been together so long that he should know me well enough to know that I will not be as angry with the proffered truth than with having to find out for myself by having it pop up when I am helping my daughter with her homework or seeing him quickly close a screen when I walk into the room!! We agreed on just such an arrangement when we saw a marriage counselor a couple years ago!! God, how many other wives give their husbands an open invitation to visit porn sites?!?! This is just the most minimal of our trust issues, but my thinking is "If he is hiding this stupidity from me, what else is he hiding?!?"

2. Can I continue to live with him if he can't change? No, I honestly don't think that I can. If he's cheating or even planning to cheat, I can't stay married to him. If he is really that stupid, I can't raise him and teach him everything he needs to know. I have a child already! If he is just self-centered and can't see beyond his own life and needs then I can never live a fulfilling life with him. No, I can't be with him if he can't change. And, again, it is quite obviously that he either can't or won't change.

3. So what can I do about it? There is only one thing I can do about it...divorce. And so, I told him I wanted a divorce tonight. Of course he cried, fell to his knees, and announced that he had a surprise date planned for us on Wednesday. He pleaded with me to give him just one more chance, but he's had that chance so many times now and all he does is take it for granted that "one more chance" is always going to be there. I am through with always sacrificing myself and my dreams for him to just shit on them repeatedly like this. I am certain that it is over by the fact that I am completely unmoved and unfeeling about this final decision. I am not upset by the idea that my marriage may be over, but relieved to be leaving a relationship that has been an anchor around my neck for several years now and and left me so completely drained, disorientated, and disillusioned.


The problem now is fear. I don't know where I will go, what I will do, how I will survive... I haven't been completely on my own in so long and I am afraid. I worry about making the right decisions about Megan. I want her with me and I truly believe that she would be better off with me because of his schedule and weekend travel for work, but can I provide for her. Can I give her everything that she needs? Can I take her away from her father? She will not have any idea about why mommy left daddy and I will forever be the one that ruined her life. Can I seriously put her through all the custody and child support bullshit that I suffered as a child? I have assured him that I will not pursue a divorce until her school year is over. But, what happens after that?!?!

Lost and alone

My husband has had a not-so-perfect past in the fidelity department. Blessedly, he has never had sex outside of our marriage (to my knowledge, anyway), but there has been more than enough other activity to damage my trust in him. Tonight, when I went to sign on to my Yahoo account, his was still logged on. He had gotten a new WEEKLY notice of his local matches with Yahoo Personals!!! Apparently, he has been actively searching for someone online!! WTF!!!

I hate him so much right now! But I am trying desperately to maintain my composure and figure out the best course of action. I am so angry! Why should I be made to feel so bad about myself when he is the one apparently fucking around!! I have been there for him throughout the last 10 years. I have followed him wherever he needed to go and I have devoted myself to forwarding his career over mine!! I have sacrificed so much in my life and this is the thanks I get. I feel like such an idiot! I am sick to my stomach! I can't believe that after all that we have been through and all the bullshit he's put me through that he still has the balls to be looking for someone else right under my fucking nose!!! I can't be here with him right now, but where the hell will I go? Do I take Megan with me? I just don't know what to do...

My 2 Cents

Okay, this is just my own personal opinion, but why in the hell is the world so obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith?!? Our society makes the death of any celebrity into a circus, even going as far as to make fun of the deceased at every opportunity. Didn't they rag her enough when she was alive?!? And people just come out of the woodwork with these fantastic stories about their lost "friend". It's really sickening. I was certainly not a fan of hers in any sense, but this is getting truly ridiculous!! Why should we care if she is buried in Texas or the Bahamas when a tornado just flattened a small town in my state?!? Who cares if the father of her child is, as yet, unidentified? Have we suddenly lost the technology of DNA?!? Drop it already!!


I don't think I would be nearly as offended if the deaths of more noteworthy individuals made it into print more. During the same week of her death, we lost a Nobel Prize winner (Alan MacDiermid), the singer/musician who recorded the theme songs for Rawhide and Blazing Saddles (Frankie Laine), several important female leaders (like Harriet Woods & Molly Ivins), and a Motown musician who played back-up in 4/5 of all Motown recordings in the 1960's (Joe Hunter)!!!


Another severe example of this media bias makes me steam even now: Mother Teresa's death received far, far, FAR less press than that of Princess Di during that dreadful week back in 1997!!


Even more infuriating to me is the fact that the next most prominent death during the week of Anna Nicole's was that of a race horse!!!! OMG!! WTH?!?!

As I said, just my two cents worth...

New Month, New Blog, New Attitude!!

I am giving myself a new beginning. I am wiping my failure slate clean and starting anew with the month of March. And, so, tomorrow is the kickoff of my participation in the Arkansas Fitness Challenge! It's a virtual "race" around the state of Arkansas lasting until May. I have joined Team Walk It Out here at Arkansas Children's Hospital in competition with another hospital, St. Vincent's. For every 30 minutes of aerobic activity, my virtual runner moves one city checkpoint on the web site's map. There are 30 city checkpoints on our virtual "tour" of the state. If you complete the tour before the 12 weeks is up, just start again!! I am so excited! It looks like tons of fun.

I have also committed to another month in the Make yourself a Priority in 2007 Challenge. I am officially announcing my goal here: I plan to walk for at least 30 minutes 3 times a week during the month of March. I will also attend 4 circuit training sessions at my gym during the month. I think that these are more than reasonable and highly attainable goals.

I have changed my blog as you can see, too. You may have noticed the turtle theme to the previous one and there was always a reason for that. It is how I chose to symbolize myself when I started this blog. I identified with them as you can read here. I have officially upgraded myself from a turtle to a robin. I have left my shell behind and I am planning to fly through this weight loss journey from here on in. The robin is my favorite bird because it is so prevalent in Arkansas and they are visual year round. There are a little overlooked with their more drabness than some of it's more colorful relatives. It has that lovely, warm red chest that seems to me to be it's secret beauty; it's tiny, treasured vanity. It doesn't have an outstanding singing voice but it is usually heard. Robins are family oriented and great parents that seem to have a bit of common sense. They are the bird that typically nests closer to the ground (those nests you find in your bushes around your home or see sneaking behind the signs in front of business are usually those of the robin). They are tenacious and will all but ignore humans most of the time, even in close proximity. See, I am a robin!!

So here's to making it matter in March!!!

Wednesday Wisdom

Samuel Johnson: The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.

Unfortunately, I have already started to feel those chains of habit. And not just in my attempts at weight loss, in my life in general. They are suffocating the success I've had, my marriage, my job, my thought processes even!! Someone toss me a hacksaw, QUICK!!!

Well, it's an issue to continue working on. In the meantime, my schedule lends little time for update, but I find it may also be emphasizing those restraints lately as well. There has also been a bittersweet moment this week as the Children's Hospital lost a young cancer patient on Monday. Alex was so sweet and strong, but I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. It weighs on my mind alot. I never even met him personally; I just kept up with the brief journal entries that his mother made daily on his website. He touched me and I am grateful for it. His photos defied his illness as they portrayed a child with brilliant eyes and a shining smile even when he was so frail. I am blessed to have "known" him. He is finally free of his chains.

Funny Friday

No, I haven't been whacked; it's just been insane during this first week of February. Bad weather kept me home on the 1st and 2nd. February 3rd was the Pirate Party we hosted for a few friends (more on that later with the photos!). Of course, the Super Bowl Party on Sunday the 4th. Then, there was the household illness for the three days that followed which had us all laid out. A small vehicle accident, a day of serious catch-up at my office, a dead pedometer battery that I have yet to replace, and here I am back online and trying to catch up on some of the many wonderful blogs that I usually read! Next week may be pretty tough as well with 4 traveling days for work, a holiday, and band trip....UGH!! Life goes on!!! I send more out later!!! ;)

Wednesday Wisdom

Mark Twain: Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

I can certainly understand trying to overcome habits, especially those that are not only bad but also deeply ingrained. So, I just have to keep reprogramming my brain one small wire at a time. And so, an update on how I am planning to do just that!

1. I joined the Arkansas Fitness Challenge. I am so ready to start kickin some fellow Arkansan ass!!

2. I have created a challenge for my little girl. She is really kickin my ass!!

3. Since my January Challenge kicked my ass; I have made my 7500 steps per day goal my challenge for February too!!

4. My husband's ass has been kicked into shape and things are going so much more smoothly these days!!

5. I am planning to get a trainer and start purposefully kickin my own ass 3 days a week!!

Needless to say there is alot of ass gettin kicked around here!! Hopefully, by next month there will be alot less ass to kick!!!

Funny Friday

CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

• Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.


• Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.


• Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.


• Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

• Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.


• Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.


• Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.


• Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:

• Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.


• Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.


• Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:

• Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.


• Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.


• Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.