Friday, May 04, 2007

Afternoon delight?

From my straddled position, I can feel the firmness beneath me. My legs, knees bent, begin that natural rhythm. Oh, God, What am I doing here?!? This isn't me! I don't do this sort of thing! But, it's too late. There's no turning back now. The heat begins to radiate throughout my body and the aching has begun. My breath increases with each up and down motion, accompanied by an excruciatingly loud heartbeat ringing in my ears. We turn and my mind screams "STOP", but my body just won't listen. And even as I miss my one opportunity to escape, the anticipation is continually mounting. My limbs begin to tingle and the heat is now a flame consuming me. My body glistens as the pace becomes more and more furious. Faster and faster, until I can no longer breathe. At any moment, my heart will burst. One last brutal pump and I finally reach that magnificent summit! Excitement overtakes me and I fall back to coast on the sheer delight of completion. A shiver washes over me and warmth settles over my entire frame. A whisper of shame hovers in the air around me as I dismount as casually as possible; legs trembling, face red, unable even to speak. Man, I can't wait to ride my bike again!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Almost back 100%

<---- That's me right now! Well, maybe a little chunkier. ;) May will be a very busy month for me! Travel, my dad's knee surgery, a garage sale, my 10th wedding anniversary, life... I'm tired just thinking about it!
I am also trying desperately to rejoin the ranks of professional bloggers!! I am working on catching up with all my favorites, and there are so many!! But I am really looking forward to it.
Life has been pretty good the last week or so. I contacted a publishing company with my story idea and even started putting the ideas to paper (well, computer screen anyway!) Is it possible that I am the next J.K. Rowling?!? I guess we'll see! It would be extraordinary!!
I have officially found my household animal limit!! This past weekend we kept the in-laws dachshund while they were out of town. It was quite the experience! If you know me, then you also know that I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 hamster, 2 toads, 2 goldfish, a 75 gallon fish tank filled with very fruitful guppies, and 2 chicks that my daughter got for Easter! The addition of one more dog, even an itty bitty one, proved almost overwhelming! I had to take the dogs out in shifts as they would scatter if I took them all out at once. And you can forget the use of leashes in a any 2+ dog arrangement! Imagine the most ridiculous dog-walker you can. You know the one who is forced into a tree when the dogs split it or the one who falls and is subsequently pulled at least 10 feet more. Hold on to that image and insert my face and you can witness my weekend! I may have just been cured of my tenderhearted affinity for the animal shelters!
I got an email from a best friend who is about to return to Iraq for his THIRD tour of duty there! I am so worried. It seems like he is just pushing his luck!!
On the other hand, my brother in law will be coming home for a 2 week leave in just 10 days!! We are so excited! He left for his post in Iraq last June and we haven't seen him in so long. We can't wait!
And finally, another military friend just finished his final days of service and is planning a move to Orlando. He said we could come visit anytime we want!!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Funny Friday Mail

I got this in the mail. Don't think I will be using my GNC Gold Card anytime soon!!
Be sure to notice that it is all burnt up! Also, the date on it is 3/15/2005!!!
The back reads as follows:
Dear Valued Postal Customer:
I want to extend my sincere apology as your Plant Manager for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.
We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion.
The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen.
We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into mail-stream.
We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


I guess this is a bit of free writing. I don't have a specific topic or issue to discuss. I suppose there are portions in your life that are literally just "living". It can't always be overtly terrible or even joyous all the time, huh?

There's little to report. My thoughts are wondering all over today. My grandmother is having some trouble with her heart but refuses to go to a cardiologist. She's not bedridden or anything, and I find that I am not really scared for her. She is my spiritual mother and I have always looked to her as a model of how a life should be. She has claimed to be ready to go to heaven for a while and says that she has more friends there than left here. She is not in pain and is merely going on with her life everyday. She just refuses any sort of excessive medical attention. She does seem to get weaker and weaker as her heart slowly fails, but she is content and so I am as well.

I am, however, trying to get back on track with my weight loss. I weighed myself yesterday and I have managed to put all my weight back on plus some!! I am up to an unhealthy 250.2 pounds! I have started to focus on just being healthy instead of trying to be "skinny". I am learning to love myself right now as a person. I've found that telling myself that I am pretty makes me feel pretty. I love the bedroom results I have had from telling myself that I am sexy!! ;) And so, does my husband!! So, I am working on making some smaller changes in my lifestyle and building up a plan for myself. Last weekend, I was invited to a small beach wedding for a best August. It's given me something to focus on. I have a lovely sun dress that I have "outgrown". I am hoping to be able to wear it for the event.

I haven't had much to say about the tragedy of Virginia Tech except that I am sorry that it happened. I can't say that I am surprised though. The world seems to become a more terrifying place each year. I get the feeling that these poor souls who commit these atrocities find them the only way that they can compete in our country. Our world focuses so much attention on all the bad things in the world, it's no wonder, it keeps getting worse! Okay, lets say I am trying desperately to make my way in this world. I want to make a mark so badly that I am willing to do anything to get my name in the history books. Which do you think will get the most press: the making of my first $1,000,000; my collection of over 30,000 cans of Silly String for US troops, or the murder/suicide of myself and 30 other people at my university? The question has already been answered this month. Each of these events has actually occurred within the last month. Which will be remembered? Which will be in our children's history books? Our society has managed to somehow taint glory itself. Instead of achieving glory in honor, in charity, or even in typical fame; individuals are attempting to attain glory in infamy. And the US gives it to them! You can see it in your nightly news, what gets the majority of air time? Scandal, Murder, Death, War. I can accept the presence of these things, but can't we find equal time for Faith, Joy, Kindness, Peace, Life!! If perhaps the Virginia Tech shooter had seen countless top stories of hope, humanity, and happiness, his response might have been different. I realize that this is definitely not the absolute answer to this tragedy, but isn't it just as possible?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Funny Friday

Maintaining a healthy level of INSANITY!!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water (with a serious face) whenever you go out to eat.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Vanilla Thunder.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Be sure to name the dog "Cat"; the cat "Dog"; and the fish "Sushi".
21. Every time you pick up the butter knife, yell "FOUR!".
22. Go see a comic movie and weep hysterically.
23. Wear your socks over your shoes.
24. When you pass a car on the interstate, honk the horn then turn away from the passed vehicle and wave at the nothingness before you.
25. Smile every moment you're awake!
Here's to a wonderful weekend!!

Thoughts for Thursday

The last few days have been really great for me! Some really amazing things have happened!

Phil and I are getting along great. I have stopped being so worried about all the little things. I have really started being aware of those moments when the fight that might ensure over an issue would be more harmful than the issue itself. Basically, I am choosing my battles. I am focusing on trying to discover what it is that I want for my life. I am not sweating the small stuff.

My mood has improved greatly. I am even enjoying house work!! My imagination has flourished and I feel as though I have had a visit from a muse. There are nights that I can't sleep as my thoughts are flying with writing ideas. I haven't started back on my exercise, but I am headed in the right direction.

Here's the huge kicker... I have quit my job at the Children's Hospital! I am applying for graduate school at the University of Central Arkansas. Now, the only problem is choosing a direction!! I have a bachelor's degree in Biology. I took the medical research route up to now and I enjoy it as long as I am in the laboratory. Unfortunately, Arkansas is not exactly a research hub and jobs are scarce. I have always had a passion for animals, and I am considering studies in that field. Completing my 2 year master's degree would coincide with the hopeful addition of a penguin exhibit at our local zoo and I would love to be in charge of it. My last choice is to teach. UCA has a Masters of Art in Teaching which would mean I could go directly into teaching science, but I am not sure that I am teacher material. I love kids and have volunteered on several occasions both at church and at my daughter's school. I am just not sure that I am right for a daily teaching position. Again, something more to consider, but I have until July to determine my direction.

Even though I am lacking a bit of direction, I feel great about everything! I have planned my birthday trip to see my cousin in Virginia with a weekend excursion to New York City!! I have a full summer ahead of me which includes a bit more travel and plenty of time to find my way.

Thanks to all of the wonderful support that everyone has given me lately. Michelle left me a wonderful, uplifting poem. Fatmom shared some wonderful insight. And all those of you, including, but definitely not limited to, Robyn, Jeannie, Christy, Tiffany, and so many others that have helped to keep me going by just a few words of kindness. Even the very odd comments left by a few strangers have made me smile. Thanks so much!!!!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

My world is changing...

I am on the verge of a major turning point in my life. Up to this point, I have tried my best to live up to the expectations of everyone around me. My friends were so certain that I would be the first to marry, and I was. My parents were so confident that I would be the first in our family with a college degree, and I was. My husband wanted a second income so badly that I settle for a job I did not truly want. My community wants me to be a dutiful citizen, volunteer, and role model, and I have pushed myself into commitments.

Gratefully, most of these pressures have had positive results. Some, on the other hand, have turned out to be disastrous. I have never truly focused all my energy and potential on what it is that I want out of life. It's an error that has left me completely uncertain of who I am and what it is I want! I have somewhere lost sight not only of my own personal goals, but also, of the very person I want to be. I feel as though I have become the worst possible version of myself; like my Pandora's Box has been opened and all the laziness, gluttony, discontent, indifference, and negativity has flooded my existence. I cannot blame my current reality on anyone who has pressured me in any way. I am responsible for the decisions I have made all my life and I can certainly make decisions that can change it all.

I, and I alone, am in charge of my joy; no one else has the control to create my happiness. My current reality; my weight, my marriage, my career, my depression; is not the definition of who I am. This current reality is nothing more than a reflection of my past decisions. I decided to overeat and not exercise. I decided to get married at 19 years old. I decided to take the very first job I was offered out of college even though I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. I decided to sit and dwell on all the things I don't have in my life and my unhappiness. I decided to retract my own joy!!

I have attracted all this bad energy by emitted bad energy. It's all about the universal Law of Attraction; like attracts like. You've seen it. If you wake up in a good mood, the day just seems to get better and better. All those good feelings are continually amplified throughout the day. If you stumped your toe when you got out of bed, your bad mood sets up a snowball effect that just gets worse and worse throughout the rest of the day. Whatever I am thinking and feeling today is creating my future.

My mentality toward my weight has been "I'm fat and I HAVE to change myself". I convince myself that losing weight is difficult and that I can't love myself unless I am skinny. I have told myself this so many times that I believe it and it becomes true. Losing weight becomes difficult and I don't love myself as a thick sister. I just create a poor self image that consumes me a bit more each time I fail. I continually confirm the thoughts instead of changing them, and so then I can't change myself.

My relationships have always suffered from my negative energy. I only acknowledge all the issues that I have with my friends, family, and especially, my husband. It's like finding a lose thread on a sweater at the beginning of the day. Throughout the day, you are painfully aware of this one thread. It bugs you; it annoys you; you know everyone sees it as well. So, you fret over it and fiddle with it all day long. By the time you get home, what has happened? That spot on the sweater has, of course, unravelled. This is what I do to people. I have fretted over the things that bug me about them. I lock onto their individual personality quirks or issues and they just seem to grow before my eyes. I lose sight of the things that first attracted me into a relationship with that person. This is what has plagued my marriage. I have lost sight of all the things that I love about Philip because I can only see all the things that I hate. He does not create nor destroy my happiness; I do that to myself. I have never truly let go of our past issues, never truly accepted his apologies; never helped him feel anything but the negativity that I expected him to do. So, I left him no positive reinforcement about what makes me happy; no affirmative response to the things he was doing right. I couldn't declare what I wanted from him so how could he possibly do it! I am married to a wonderful person, I just have to rediscover him and help him to do the same.

I took a job that I knew wasn't what I wanted to do. I took it because it was the first one offered to me. It didn't play to my strengths, my interests, or even my education. I went into the position with a sense of tolerance, "I will do this for a while even though I don't really like it, and hopefully something else will come along." I settled and then was surprised to find that there was no joy or even contentment in doing the job. Even though everyone there asserted I was doing a very, very good job, I hated getting up each morning, driving for an hour to sit at a desk for 8 hours shuffling paperwork and being rejected my people over the phone. I did it to myself, but I can change it myself.

Depression is a perfect reflection of this like attracts like mentality. Depression is a pit of despair that seems to deepen each day as you are constantly thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. You start to think you don't deserve happiness and again, you convince yourself that it's absolutely true!! I have done the same. I have looked back on the struggles of the past few years and regretted so many of my actions that it is so easy to believe that I am a weak or bad person. My health has suffered, my lifestyle has suffered, my very life has been put in danger because of my own mental state. Medical science has proved the power of positive thinking: the clinical use of placebos, the miracle of those who survive cancer, the regenerative power of the human body itself. Happy thoughts lead to a happier biochemistry and thus an happier body. On the other hand, despair, stress, worry, have been scientifically proven to weaken the immune system and therefore the body itself. I will not do this to myself any longer. I will not commit suicide by drowning in a sea of my own thoughts.

I have generated more attention toward the problems in my life, and have made the abundance in my life invisible. It's like an election where you love one candidate, but hate the other. We typically discuss all the things we dislike about the one instead of the things we like about the other. What happens? The negative publicity the one candidate receives can actually push them over the top to victory!! Energy flows where attention goes. I am redirecting my attention to the abundance in my life. I am redirecting all my energy toward the happiness that has eluded me.

I will express gratitude for the things that I have. I will embrace the power within myself to change. I will experience the potential to create my universe as I go along. I am the author of my destiny. The pen is in my hand and the outcome is whatever I chose. I just have to start writing.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

So far, So good...

Not much to report on the marriage front. We are living amicably enough; no arguments, a few talks. We'll see.

Of course, he's waiting on me hand and foot right now. It's a bit annoying, mostly because I am pretty sure that it is not a permanent adjustment. He has a lot of trouble talking to me about anything but trivialities, and any serious conversations we have about our problems have to be initiated by me. He did at least finally say he was sorry, but I asked him for what. I wanted to be sure that he knew exactly what had bothered me about the whole thing. I think he gets it. Now to just have him able to keep it in mind.

Everyone is on Spring Break right now, and there's an awful lot of awkward silence, especially when Megan is here too. The other issue is our trip back to my hometown later this week. My family is completely unaware of our current troubles, and so our plans haven't been changed to reflect them. My uncle got us a stay at the very bed and breakfast we honeymooned at almost 10 years ago; in the very same room! Thankfully, Megan will be staying there with us, so it will hopefully not be as difficult as I am expecting. The real challenge will be hiding all this from my family members for 4 days. The only reason for that is the intrusive nature of my family members. They would be trying desperately to "fix us". Love 'em, but oh how they butt in!!

Here's hoping my next posts are a bit more fun!!