Thursday, November 30, 2006
Turtles, Turtles, Everywhere!
My obsession with turtles may be obvious visually, but also has a symbolic meaning. I am an animal freak!! I have a zoo membership and have applied to be a volunteer docent in the spring. I am a fanatic over Animal Planet (I actually record Meerkat Manor weekly!!) and love the Discovery channel. I have had pets all my life and have fostered many, many others. I have cared for the typical domestic breeds; right now, we have a dog, a cat, a hamster, and a 75 gallon fish tank full of rather promiscuous guppies. I have also enjoyed my share of exotics; I've lived with African bullfrogs, endangered salamanders, 3-toed box turtles, and even a black widow spider once. So, it's no surprise that I associate a lot with the animal kingdom.
Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:
Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"
And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.
Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.
So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.
I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!
BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)
Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:
Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"
And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.
Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.
So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.
I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!
BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
5 Things
5 Things I like about myself:
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.
5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"
5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.
5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.
5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.
5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"
5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.
5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Just thinking...
My mind is full and racing today and I just can't understand why! Yet, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing today! I haven't sincerely accomplished anything at work today and I just keep jumping back and forth between the other blogs I regularly read. (As though, they will somehow provide some miraculous answer to my mental state today!) So, I have finally decided to just free write for a while and see if anything comes of it.
WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!
I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...
why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?
Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)
WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!
I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...
why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?
Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)
Thanks + giving
First and foremost, I am having "one of those days". I had so much trouble just getting out of my bed this morning. Unfortunately, it's more than just fatigue from the long weekend; it's my "what is the point of it all" mentality that keeps me lying there. However, I did manage to force myself to rise this morning and I am desperately trying to leave this schlumpy feeling behind.
So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...
Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!
Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.
I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!
So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...
Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!
Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.
I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Mission Impossible?
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate and detain one Kellie Nichols.
{insert spy theme music here}
Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.
Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!
This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
{insert spy theme music here}
Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.
Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!
This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The Biology of Sex and Cheating...
Men: Visually stimulated (it's why they get an erection from a magazine)
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)
Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)
Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)
Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference
Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)
Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)
These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)
Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)
Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)
Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference
Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)
Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)
These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!
Monday, November 20, 2006
And my weekend is over....
Oh, it's Monday...AGAIN!!! I really hate Mondays; they mean that the weekend is really over and that the next one is as far away as it can get!! But it's a short week...
"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!
Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39
There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.
So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.
They are just numbers!!!!
"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!
Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39
There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.
So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.
They are just numbers!!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Refocusing
I realize that I started this blog to help me with my thoughts on my weight loss struggle. Amazingly, it has become a means of daily venting my everyday struggles with work, marriage, family, everything. It's so funny that I find myself today with absolutely nothing to discuss!! Everything that's going on in my life right now and I have no focal discussion!! My thoughts are scattered and I can't follow a single train of thought to any distinct location!!
I am still angry with Philip.
I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.
I am still fighting against temptation.
So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I am still angry with Philip.
I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.
I am still fighting against temptation.
So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The good, the bad, and the real ugly...
The good was reported yesterday when I discussed his loving and attentive detail in confronting all I had to share with him.
The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!
The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.
I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.
He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!
I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!
The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!
The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.
I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.
He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!
I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Discussion Result
Okay, so I took the cowards way out and instead of actually telling him everything, I did just what I had proposed. I copied my blog about it all, handed it to him, left the room, and waited.
A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?
He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.
He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.
I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.
And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....
A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?
He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.
He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.
I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.
And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
My thoughts
I know that I am so erratic about posting here, but I am desperately trying to get better. There are times when this is the only place that I can be myself. It's a fairly ridiculous notion, I know, especially when you consider that most people hide themselves in cyberspace. On the contrary, I can cry, bitch, whine, scream and the words are always the same and the audience is faceless. I can put to screen all the things I feel like I can't put to words... all my sadness, my fears, everything. A great example was my previous post. I told the vacuum of space (and those few that are interested in reading) about my recent "episode". I still haven't told my husband any part of it. My therapist directly said to inform him, but I haven't been able to. Now, I am faced with the last night before my appointment tomorrow. I told him this morning that we needed to talk this evening, but as the day slips away, I am struggling with how to do it. I have almost resolved to just letting him read that post, but then it would open up my secret hiding place to him. Here is where I deposit my anger. Here is where I express my desires. Here is where I attempt to leave my depression. Here is where I lose myself.
So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.
Then I will wait...
I will wait to see his reaction...
I will wait to find out what he says...
I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...
Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!
So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.
Then I will wait...
I will wait to see his reaction...
I will wait to find out what he says...
I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...
Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!
Monday, November 06, 2006
New November?
So, for those who keep up, I haven't written in over a month. Things have not gone according to plan. I am lost. I am afraid. And I am clinically depressed.
About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.
In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.
Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.
I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.
We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!
All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.
My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.
About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.
In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.
Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.
I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.
We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!
All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.
My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.
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