New November?

So, for those who keep up, I haven't written in over a month. Things have not gone according to plan. I am lost. I am afraid. And I am clinically depressed.

About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.

In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.

Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.

I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.

We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!

All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.

My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.