My thoughts

I know that I am so erratic about posting here, but I am desperately trying to get better. There are times when this is the only place that I can be myself. It's a fairly ridiculous notion, I know, especially when you consider that most people hide themselves in cyberspace. On the contrary, I can cry, bitch, whine, scream and the words are always the same and the audience is faceless. I can put to screen all the things I feel like I can't put to words... all my sadness, my fears, everything. A great example was my previous post. I told the vacuum of space (and those few that are interested in reading) about my recent "episode". I still haven't told my husband any part of it. My therapist directly said to inform him, but I haven't been able to. Now, I am faced with the last night before my appointment tomorrow. I told him this morning that we needed to talk this evening, but as the day slips away, I am struggling with how to do it. I have almost resolved to just letting him read that post, but then it would open up my secret hiding place to him. Here is where I deposit my anger. Here is where I express my desires. Here is where I attempt to leave my depression. Here is where I lose myself.

So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.

Then I will wait...

I will wait to see his reaction...

I will wait to find out what he says...

I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...

Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!