Discussion Result

Okay, so I took the cowards way out and instead of actually telling him everything, I did just what I had proposed. I copied my blog about it all, handed it to him, left the room, and waited.

A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?

He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.

He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.

I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.

And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....