My mind is full and racing today and I just can't understand why! Yet, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing today! I haven't sincerely accomplished anything at work today and I just keep jumping back and forth between the other blogs I regularly read. (As though, they will somehow provide some miraculous answer to my mental state today!) So, I have finally decided to just free write for a while and see if anything comes of it.
WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!
I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...
why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?
Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)
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3 comments:
I forgot to put my rings on this morning and I also feel a little off balance? he he I don't think it really compares to how you are feeling though. I always feel beter after I write down how I feel, it's like a release? Maybe you need a hobby or something that will keep your mind pre-occupied? Maybe you could write a list of all the positive things about you and things you beleive in, maybe that will help you "find yourself" ? I would definately try to stay on the possitive side of things though and not try and focus too much on the things you are unhappy with or you will just make yourself sad and we don't want that! :)
Thank you! And as you can see, I did just that!! I still have good days and bad days, but I am learning to cope with them better.
God is working on you. That's where you need to turn. There's something He wants you to know about you. Go find out what it is.
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