My world is changing...

I am on the verge of a major turning point in my life. Up to this point, I have tried my best to live up to the expectations of everyone around me. My friends were so certain that I would be the first to marry, and I was. My parents were so confident that I would be the first in our family with a college degree, and I was. My husband wanted a second income so badly that I settle for a job I did not truly want. My community wants me to be a dutiful citizen, volunteer, and role model, and I have pushed myself into commitments.

Gratefully, most of these pressures have had positive results. Some, on the other hand, have turned out to be disastrous. I have never truly focused all my energy and potential on what it is that I want out of life. It's an error that has left me completely uncertain of who I am and what it is I want! I have somewhere lost sight not only of my own personal goals, but also, of the very person I want to be. I feel as though I have become the worst possible version of myself; like my Pandora's Box has been opened and all the laziness, gluttony, discontent, indifference, and negativity has flooded my existence. I cannot blame my current reality on anyone who has pressured me in any way. I am responsible for the decisions I have made all my life and I can certainly make decisions that can change it all.

I, and I alone, am in charge of my joy; no one else has the control to create my happiness. My current reality; my weight, my marriage, my career, my depression; is not the definition of who I am. This current reality is nothing more than a reflection of my past decisions. I decided to overeat and not exercise. I decided to get married at 19 years old. I decided to take the very first job I was offered out of college even though I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. I decided to sit and dwell on all the things I don't have in my life and my unhappiness. I decided to retract my own joy!!

I have attracted all this bad energy by emitted bad energy. It's all about the universal Law of Attraction; like attracts like. You've seen it. If you wake up in a good mood, the day just seems to get better and better. All those good feelings are continually amplified throughout the day. If you stumped your toe when you got out of bed, your bad mood sets up a snowball effect that just gets worse and worse throughout the rest of the day. Whatever I am thinking and feeling today is creating my future.

My mentality toward my weight has been "I'm fat and I HAVE to change myself". I convince myself that losing weight is difficult and that I can't love myself unless I am skinny. I have told myself this so many times that I believe it and it becomes true. Losing weight becomes difficult and I don't love myself as a thick sister. I just create a poor self image that consumes me a bit more each time I fail. I continually confirm the thoughts instead of changing them, and so then I can't change myself.

My relationships have always suffered from my negative energy. I only acknowledge all the issues that I have with my friends, family, and especially, my husband. It's like finding a lose thread on a sweater at the beginning of the day. Throughout the day, you are painfully aware of this one thread. It bugs you; it annoys you; you know everyone sees it as well. So, you fret over it and fiddle with it all day long. By the time you get home, what has happened? That spot on the sweater has, of course, unravelled. This is what I do to people. I have fretted over the things that bug me about them. I lock onto their individual personality quirks or issues and they just seem to grow before my eyes. I lose sight of the things that first attracted me into a relationship with that person. This is what has plagued my marriage. I have lost sight of all the things that I love about Philip because I can only see all the things that I hate. He does not create nor destroy my happiness; I do that to myself. I have never truly let go of our past issues, never truly accepted his apologies; never helped him feel anything but the negativity that I expected him to do. So, I left him no positive reinforcement about what makes me happy; no affirmative response to the things he was doing right. I couldn't declare what I wanted from him so how could he possibly do it! I am married to a wonderful person, I just have to rediscover him and help him to do the same.

I took a job that I knew wasn't what I wanted to do. I took it because it was the first one offered to me. It didn't play to my strengths, my interests, or even my education. I went into the position with a sense of tolerance, "I will do this for a while even though I don't really like it, and hopefully something else will come along." I settled and then was surprised to find that there was no joy or even contentment in doing the job. Even though everyone there asserted I was doing a very, very good job, I hated getting up each morning, driving for an hour to sit at a desk for 8 hours shuffling paperwork and being rejected my people over the phone. I did it to myself, but I can change it myself.

Depression is a perfect reflection of this like attracts like mentality. Depression is a pit of despair that seems to deepen each day as you are constantly thinking about all the things that have gone wrong. You start to think you don't deserve happiness and again, you convince yourself that it's absolutely true!! I have done the same. I have looked back on the struggles of the past few years and regretted so many of my actions that it is so easy to believe that I am a weak or bad person. My health has suffered, my lifestyle has suffered, my very life has been put in danger because of my own mental state. Medical science has proved the power of positive thinking: the clinical use of placebos, the miracle of those who survive cancer, the regenerative power of the human body itself. Happy thoughts lead to a happier biochemistry and thus an happier body. On the other hand, despair, stress, worry, have been scientifically proven to weaken the immune system and therefore the body itself. I will not do this to myself any longer. I will not commit suicide by drowning in a sea of my own thoughts.

I have generated more attention toward the problems in my life, and have made the abundance in my life invisible. It's like an election where you love one candidate, but hate the other. We typically discuss all the things we dislike about the one instead of the things we like about the other. What happens? The negative publicity the one candidate receives can actually push them over the top to victory!! Energy flows where attention goes. I am redirecting my attention to the abundance in my life. I am redirecting all my energy toward the happiness that has eluded me.

I will express gratitude for the things that I have. I will embrace the power within myself to change. I will experience the potential to create my universe as I go along. I am the author of my destiny. The pen is in my hand and the outcome is whatever I chose. I just have to start writing.