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I guess this is a bit of free writing. I don't have a specific topic or issue to discuss. I suppose there are portions in your life that are literally just "living". It can't always be overtly terrible or even joyous all the time, huh?

There's little to report. My thoughts are wondering all over today. My grandmother is having some trouble with her heart but refuses to go to a cardiologist. She's not bedridden or anything, and I find that I am not really scared for her. She is my spiritual mother and I have always looked to her as a model of how a life should be. She has claimed to be ready to go to heaven for a while and says that she has more friends there than left here. She is not in pain and is merely going on with her life everyday. She just refuses any sort of excessive medical attention. She does seem to get weaker and weaker as her heart slowly fails, but she is content and so I am as well.

I am, however, trying to get back on track with my weight loss. I weighed myself yesterday and I have managed to put all my weight back on plus some!! I am up to an unhealthy 250.2 pounds! I have started to focus on just being healthy instead of trying to be "skinny". I am learning to love myself right now as a person. I've found that telling myself that I am pretty makes me feel pretty. I love the bedroom results I have had from telling myself that I am sexy!! ;) And so, does my husband!! So, I am working on making some smaller changes in my lifestyle and building up a plan for myself. Last weekend, I was invited to a small beach wedding for a best friend...in August. It's given me something to focus on. I have a lovely sun dress that I have "outgrown". I am hoping to be able to wear it for the event.

I haven't had much to say about the tragedy of Virginia Tech except that I am sorry that it happened. I can't say that I am surprised though. The world seems to become a more terrifying place each year. I get the feeling that these poor souls who commit these atrocities find them the only way that they can compete in our country. Our world focuses so much attention on all the bad things in the world, it's no wonder, it keeps getting worse! Okay, lets say I am trying desperately to make my way in this world. I want to make a mark so badly that I am willing to do anything to get my name in the history books. Which do you think will get the most press: the making of my first $1,000,000; my collection of over 30,000 cans of Silly String for US troops, or the murder/suicide of myself and 30 other people at my university? The question has already been answered this month. Each of these events has actually occurred within the last month. Which will be remembered? Which will be in our children's history books? Our society has managed to somehow taint glory itself. Instead of achieving glory in honor, in charity, or even in typical fame; individuals are attempting to attain glory in infamy. And the US gives it to them! You can see it in your nightly news, what gets the majority of air time? Scandal, Murder, Death, War. I can accept the presence of these things, but can't we find equal time for Faith, Joy, Kindness, Peace, Life!! If perhaps the Virginia Tech shooter had seen countless top stories of hope, humanity, and happiness, his response might have been different. I realize that this is definitely not the absolute answer to this tragedy, but isn't it just as possible?