A Non-Scale Victory

There I sat, terrified. Through the glass doors I watched the stability ball class actually doing sit ups perched on a large bouncing sphere. "Those things aren't for exercise; those are for teasing really small dogs!!" My eyes grew huge as the members of the class changed positions. Now, their hands rested on the floor as though they would be doing push-ups, but their feet were balanced on top of the ball!! I almost turned and walked out. "What in the hell am I doing here?!? I can't do that!!" I looked down at the schedule in my hands...12:30 Beginner's aerobics. It was now 12:25, surely that wasn't my class?!?! I breathed a sigh of relief as the class stopped, stretched, and put those many devices of torture back on the walls. Everyone filed out as I waited patiently to go in. My worst fears were realized when I noticed that I was the only one waiting to get in. I walked into a room that reminded me of a fun house. Mirrors everywhere (yeah, like an obese woman wants to see a panoramic view of herself!!!) and brightly colored weapons everywhere. Suddenly, I was back in junior high PE; awkward and uncomfortable.

Tentatively I asked, " Is this where the beginner's aerobics class is held?" Her answer of "yep, it's just you and me today" confirmed it. "The other two who are usually here have a meeting today." [keep in mind that the gym I am going to is for my workplace] THANK GOD THE INSTRUCTOR WASN'T A MAN!!!

I tried desperately to escape my fate..."Oh, well, I'm sure that you are tired. I'll just come back next week when they return..."

"No, it's okay, this one's a little easier on me"... She then had me grab a step and place it on the floor while she changed the music. When she turned her back, I almost tried to sneak out the door. "We'll just go over some of the steps we use in the class" Dammit, she's too nice and I can't be rude.

Remarkably, the step aerobics I had done 2 years ago came back to me in a flash. I remembered the basic right, turn, V, and even the return K. She was impressed with me!! "Do you want to go through a quick routine?" Excuses flooded my brain: No, I will just go home and practice until next week. No thanks, it's been 2 years since I've done this; I'll get back into it gradually. No, you go and eat a Big Mac, you skinny little heifer! Any of these would have worked, but what comes out of my mouth..."Sure!"

Thirty minutes later, I left the fun house with a huge childlike smile on my face. I had done it. Granted, I had to stop a couple of times and my coordination is severely lacking, but I had made it through my first actual gym class!! I was sweaty and breathless, but I had basically kept up with her!! I hadn't subjected myself to public exercise like that since those dreadful PE classes and I had hoped to just fade into the back row of the class, but I had her complete attention on me and I didn't falter. I wasn't embarrassed like I thought I would be. I wasn't self conscious and unwilling to try the steps as I had anticipated. I was into it! The music was fun and she was so helpful and attentive. I can't wait for Tuesday!!

Now, I find myself wanting to just hang around the gym and observe the other classes to see which ones I might be interested in. You never know, I might actually enjoy a little stability ball in the future!!

Kindness

Isn't it remarkable how one small act of kindness can change your entire perspective on the world as a whole. That's just what happened to me last night.

I got out the lawnmower for a rollicking evening of grass cutting and noticed my neighbors, the Haygoods, were doing the same. Mrs. was mowing and Mr. was weedeating. My husband was at a meeting at the school where he teaches. The Haygoods have been keeping their boat in the small patch of land between our homes and have been maintaining it all the way up to our wall. So, it was no surprise when I notice Mr. Haygood weedeating along that side of our house. What was a surprise was finding him coming back along the opposite side of our house a few minutes later. Then he continued to weedeat the areas along the back of my house where I was mowing! Now, I haven't mowed my yard in quite some time...rainy days, heat, and just plain laziness had defeated me for some time now...so it was fairly tall. I was admittedly struggling with those really long blades of grass. Suddenly, I realized that Mrs. Haygood was finished with her yard and had meandered over to ours and was mowing those deep patches with her much more expensive mower! I tried to tell them they didn't have to do that, but they just said that they didn't have anything better to do!! In only an hour, both the front and back yards of my home were clean cut and well trimmed!! As I went to put away the mower, they disappeared into their own home for the evening before I could even thank them. It felt wonderful!!

Unfortunately, this kind of thing doesn't happen often enough today. They could have easily retired to their own home and left me to complete my task alone. Instead, they spent just an hour helping me. That one hour will stay with me for a while!

Body Balancing Act

What the hell do they put into all those bad foods that make me crave them so badly?!? What makes chocolate and caffeine so damn addictive? Why can't that stuff be in fruits and veggies so that I will want them instead?

I have always been curious as to why the entire world seems wired backward. For instance, it's been proven that if I ingest more vitamin supplements than my body needs, they are flushed out. My body will actually remove any excessive elements that it can't use. Why doesn't my body do the same with fat?!?

Moreover, why do women have to feel so terrible during menstruation? Is there some sort of uterine depression because we didn't get pregnant that month?!? Boy, did Eve get the short end of the stick in the Garden or what?!?! She was tricked!! Adam was the one that tried to pass the buck and blame Eve or even God himself!!! Remember your scripture..."The woman YOU made for me, gave it to me and I ate." Are you kidding me?!?!

Turkey has a chemical in it that makes you sleepy. Chocolate releases endorphines similar to those released during sex. Caffeine seems as addictive as any illegal drug. Sunshine contains natural vitamin D our bodies absorb, but also has those UV rays responsible for cancer. What's a girl to do?!?!

Balance...it's all about balance. Homeostasis is the body's state of constantly maintaining balance. I just have to find mine. I have to sort through all the hype and find what is best for me and my body. So...

1. Limit my chocolate intake. OMG, it's like trying to stop breathing!!!

2. Decrease my caffeine. Somebody's going to have to pay for this...My hubby, perhaps!!!

3. Increase my servings of fruits and veggies. Through the lips and past the gums, look out colon, here it comes!!!

4. Replace lost chocolate with sex. Maybe this will make up for the caffeine deprivation attacks on my hubby!!!

5. Exercise. But, doesn't the movement of my hand to my mouth count?!? NO! Well, crap...
"heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to the gym I go"

6. Drink water. Dammit, my body already retains fluids!! At this rate, I may become the newest lake!!!

7. Keep your spirits up. Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen?!?! Give me some chocolate and we'll talk!!!

It seems like such a short list, but each one is a daily challenge! Each one is a battle in the war of the waistline!! Here's the important thing though. "Anything worth having, is worth fighting for." So I am going to put down the chocolate bars and pick up the broccoli; drop the sodas and grab the water; get off my butt and workout. It's that simple! Well, at least is should be!! I will keep working on it!

Success and Failure

I have come to the realization that I am a black and white person (fellow Matchbox Twenty fans can appreciate that!!) My world has no grey. I have always itemized my life into columns and there is never any cross over. Things are either right or wrong, good or evil, successes or failures. I have always been open-minded to the world but I could always classify everything somehow. Suddenly, I find myself standing on one side of the Grand Canyon looking at the other side. When I look down all I see is an endless precipice that seems to extend into the very core of the earth. This is how I have been viewing my weight loss. I stand on my side, 242 pounds of unhappiness. On the other side, stands a 155 pound beauty.

Recently, I felt as though I tumbled down to the very bottom of that Canyon. I had failed myself. After 7 weeks and 14 pounds of success, I tripped off my edge and my fat butt rolled right down to the bottom. There I lay for 6 days wallowing in self-pity and greasy foods; looking up at the skinny side of the ravine and believing that I would never reach that glorious cliff. I was alone in the darkness.

On that 7th morning, I saw the faintest movement high above me on that dreadful side of the Grand Canyon. As more days passed, I started to see more and more activity there. There were people up there!! I could see them!! And they were trying to rescue me!!! It was then that I realized that I hadn't failed; I had just slipped. And there were people waiting for me to regain my footing!

Somehow, I have managed to climb out of my despair and I am now back up on my side. Still 242 pounds, but that other side appears a bit closer now. I look down to see that there has been the smallest few planks of board extended from beneath my feet toward my goal. They had been placed there to encourage me and to help me cross that Canyon. They had been put there by those people who care about me...My family, my friends, and those few whom I have never met personally, but have sent me more inspiration than I ever imagined might be transferred through a computer screen!

Now, I know that weight loss is a different type of battle that requires a different type of stategy. It is not just a success or failure. There can actually be success IN failure!! Without this stumble, I wouldn't have realized something about myself. More importantly, I never would have noticed those people up on that cliff, hammers in hand, waiting to add more boards to that bridge. Thanks to you all!!!

My Hell Week

Well, I finally gave in to my cravings and boredom. I stayed home from work a couple days and found myself at the fridge most of the day. When that stopped being enough, I actually got dressed and drove to a fast food restaurant where I binged. It was only the beginning. The week that followed was overflowing with fried foods, sweets, sodas, and junk. I started acting like an addict, literally hiding from everyone while I gorged. Now, I find myself depressed and disappointed. I was doing so good. What went so wrong?!?!

I am sure that there are lots of people who do the same thing. A small slip results in a landslide of overeating that leaves that sorrowful, empty hole. I doubt myself and my strength. I regret. I try to rationalize or excuse my behavior, but it still feels like I was a completely different person for those days. I am still stuggling to find the source of my downfall. Since I can't name the problem, I decided to name that hidden self that erupts from within me from time to time. Let's call her Bertha. Let's see how she compares to Kellie.

Kellie is a vibrant, friendly, funny young woman with a blossoming career in clinical research, a beautiful family, and a brand new home on the horizon. Bertha is a reclusive, food obsessed monster who doesn't bath or leave the house for days at a time. Kellie has people in her life that love her and support her in everything she does. Bertha doesn't talk to anyone, so she doesn't know or feel the love around her. Kellie struggles with her self image and she is taking strides to improve herself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Bertha also struggles with her self image, but she feels too hopeless, worthless, and weak to try to change herself. Kellie has goals and dreams and hopes to complete her first 5K run in the next few months. Bertha is listless and inactive and hopes to just disappear from the world. Kellie is intellectual and makes good choices. Bertha is over-emotional and irrational. Kellie takes responsibility for the mistakes in her life and tries to correct them. Bertha just excuses her flaws and sins; never facing or overcoming them. Kellie is generally happy. Bertha will never be happy. I want to be Kellie.

But how? What steps can I take to ensure that Bertha is banished? What can I do to help Bertha when she does come around? Can Bertha and Kellie ever co-exist? How can Kellie be strengthened in her resolve and reassured in her soul? Are there triggers to be avoided? What can I do to be Kellie and not Bertha?

These are the questions I have to answer for myself. These are the issues to research. These are the focus of my current battles.

How long is a minute?

A minute is the time it takes to pass a smile around an entire room...
A minute is how quickly your labor pains disappear once you see your newborn...
A minute is an enternity at a loved ones funeral...
A minute is lost during a busy day...
A minute is all it takes to ruin a relationship with words...
A minute is all you need to mend a ruined relationship with a few more words...
A minute is stopped when you first meet your true love...
A minute is forever when you are lonely...
A minute is heaven when its quiet...
A minute is hell for a first time jogger!!!

A minute. Sixty measly seconds. That's all it is. So, why did I almost die in one minute?!?!

I have started a beginner's training program for a 5K run. I am aiming for the October 7 Race for the Cure in only 9 weeks. This is my first week running. This is my first week dying!!!!!

My program states the first week is a 5 minute brisk walk to warm up followed by alternating repeats of 60 seconds running and 90 seconds walking. I did this on Monday and every fiber of my being screamed "What are you doing to me?!?!" That first 60 second jog seemed to last all morning and glancing at my little stop watch didn't help. I could see each tiny moment of time disappear as the ache in my legs gradually crept up my body. I felt my muscles seem to awaken for the first time in years in places I didn't even know had muscles. I lost a drop of sweat for every one of those seconds and I praised the Lord at the moment I stopped. Suddenly, it seemed as though I was in a time warp as that 90 second walk was over in a flash. I started jogging again and the seconds ticked, one by one, until I thought that I would have to stop for sure. Then, the 90 second walk...relief!! This continued for 20 minutes! Time would slow to a crawl and then dart away from me like a rocket!! Finally it was over, at least until I woke up the next morning able to pinpoint every single muscle fiber inside me.

This morning, I returned to the street. I had bought myself some brand new running shoes and a new stop watch (the other one had to be destroyed as it was obviously the key to the time-space continuum). I felt like an Olympian. I started out bravely and proudly for my 5 minute warm-up. Now, the dreaded 60 seconds...and then it was over!! I was walking again and breathing...rhythmically!! Death was nowhere to be found! The 60 seconds returns and I complete it with almost as much ease as the first!! I'M GOING TO LIVE!!! The run/walk repeats were completed and I headed back into my house. Sweaty? Yes. Achy? Yes. Dead? No! I was exhilarated!! I can't wait until Friday!

So, how long is a minute?
A minute is relative...
A minute is necessary to discover something wonderful about yourself...
A minute is an important measure to every moment of our lives...
A minute is all it took for me to share my thoughts with the world...
A minute really is heaven!!

Intimacy and Obesity

April 2006. Vilonia, Arkansas.

A young couple sits alone together on their living room sofa. It is a stormy night and rain is gently pelting the windows. They are enjoying a quiet evening alone while their daughter visits her grandparents. Suddenly, a mischievous twinkle appears in his eye and she becomes visibly uncomfortable. He cautiously reaches for her hand and engulfs it with his own. He looks at her and smiles his brightest. She tries to avert her eyes, but she has already met his stare. She forces a weak smile which quickly fades with a brilliant flash of lightning. She knows that look. She knows exactly what he is thinking. She also knows that they haven't been intimate in a very long time. "How can he find me attractive?" "Why would he want me?" He is putting his arm around her..."Please, don't touch that mass of extra flesh around my middle!!" ... His hand rests on that hellish location and she tries to straighten herself slightly in a desperate attempt to flatten herself. He moves forward slowly...head tilted ever so slightly..."I can't do this!! I can't let him see me naked!!!!!" She jumps to her feet leaving him to collapse alone on the couch. In a single flash of light, she has opened the door, flung herself out into the storm, and runs screaming into the night. She is never heard from again.

Okay, so it's not as dramatic as that. And, as you are reading this, it is evident that I have not disappeared from the world, but I do find myself wishing that I could at times. Intimacy is hard for me right now. In the last few months, my self esteem has taken a real beating. I moved 3 hours away from home, I failed out of my PhD program, my husband and I nearly divorced, I fell into clinical depression, was unemployed for more than 5 months, and gained almost 40 pounds. I didn't like myself and couldn't believe that other people did! Getting out of bed each day was hard enough, much less going to bed with my husband. I didn't dress up, I didn't wear makeup, I didn't care about myself. I would oblige him sometimes and rely on my acting skills to reassure him but there were Da Rules:

1. No light of ANY kind. No lamps, no candles, no nothing.
2. Shirt ON.
3. Under the covers.
4. ALL windows and doors closed and covered completely.
5. No massages.

Sounds terrible, doesn't it?!? This was my reality a few months ago. I was a miserable wreck. Last April, on the verge on separation, my husband and I started therapy. Our marriage counselor soon became my personal psychologist as I struggled to face my destiny head on. Luckily, medication wasn't necessary and things started to look up. My husband and I reconciled once he understood the seriousness of my condition. I got a great job as a research coordinator at Arkansas Children's Hospital and postponed my PhD studies until the completion of the 3 year study I am working on. I started a diet and exercise program. All this saved my life. I am more content and my spirit is rejuvenated. I have found many online friends who are there to help me and I have vowed to become more active in my community. Unfortunately, I don't know the precise moment that my life changed, but it has improved since.

As for intimacy, I am getting better. We started breaking Da Rules gradually and one by one. I let him light one candle. I slept in the nude. We give each other massages and I don't even mind if he touches one of my jelly rolls. I regard it as his farewell to my flesh; his tender goodbye to the parts of me that have literally and figuratively weighed me down for more than a year now. It will make it all so much sweeter when he can no longer find any of those hellish locations on me!!

Now, I have to go. My daughter is spending the week with her grandparents....

A funny thing happened on the way to the scales...

Oh boy. It's Monday. Why on earth did I decide to make Mondays weigh-in days?!? Why did I choose the first day of the work week?!? Why the day after the weekend when indulgence is most tempting and most prevalent?!? Why? WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!?

I awoke at 5 am this morning. A Monday. A Monday following a weekend of family visitations, rainy weather, and even an evening on the town. Ugh! I hate Monday! As with the last 6 Mondays, I ease out of my warm king-sized bed being careful not to wake my dear, sleeping dog; oh and my husband too. I creep down the hallway toward the bathroom, barefoot, and a shiver runs down my spine. I wince and squint as I flip the switch and intense, 100 watt light engulfs me. I blink several times before the small devil square on the floor becomes clear. The numbers...those dreaded numbers...numbers which seem somehow to define not only how I see myself but how everyone else sees me as well... To maintain uniformity, I strip off my nightshirt which forces me to acknowledge that person that resides in the mirror stretching the very length of the room. Her hair is a tangle of light brown straw and it is evident that she has forgotten to remove her make up the night before AGAIN. In a word, she looks...well...drunk. I suddenly feel as though I might really be hung over, though I haven't drank in weeks. Remembering the purpose of this trip, I turn my eyes downward to the floor and stare at the blank face of my oppressor. The decider of my fate. The one object that will determine whether it is a good day or a bad day. "I'll weigh myself tomorrow" and I walk past the monster. It continues to glare at me as I relieve myself. It eats at my conscience and reminds me of the committment I made to myself at the end of June. "Fine, you win!" I tap the corner of this destroyer of souls and see it's hideous face light up with joy at the chance of defeating me again. I gingerly step on its textured surface and await its judgement. It's face blinks for an eternity as it sizes me up... "I could still stop it. It would only take one little step. One little step to avoid my destiny today." But I am too late. It has returned it's fatal answer...

I had lost 1.8 pounds this week; a total of 13.5 for 6 weeks. I am so shocked that I actually repeat the entire process four more times before I finally leave the bathroom. With a sense of great pride and accomplishment, I leave the atrocity to itself and consider the victories to come. Hopefully, when I again face my adversary, I will be certain of my victory. I will not lose the battle before I have begun the fight. I will be prepared to face my opponent with confidence and self-assurance. I love Mondays!!!

I have always been a fan of journalling but I don't do it as often as I should. I have managed to find a lot more free time lately and also a lot on my mind. This is the best way I know to keep a secure and private diary of my life.

I find myself facing a challenge. It's the single hardest struggle I have ever endured in my life. It's proven more difficult and more painful than my depression several months ago. It affects me physically and emotionally. This challenge requires a complete re-write of my entire lifestyle from self image to self control; from interfacing with others to facing my inner demons; from anticipating death to re-evaluating life. The odd thing is that I am not alone...millions of people around the world are engaged in a life and death battle with themselves and the way they live. And it can be summed up in only one word: obesity.

Yeah, I know, it's the ugliest word in the English language. I don't think that I have ever even voiced it in reference to myself, but here it is. I am obese. I am 29 years old, 243 pounds, with a BMI of about 38 and I am not gonna take it anymore!!!

On June 26, 2006, I started the Nutrisystem program. Now before you think that I am here to endorse that program, you are wrong. It's just that the specifics of the journey are necessary to appreciate finally reaching the destination. I mention it only as a key on the legend of my map. Now almost 6 weeks later, I am 12 pounds lighter. While that is a great success, I still feel...nonpulsed. I am not really excited and I feel alone. It's like taking a cross coutry road trip all by yourself. The drive is pretty and the arrival is exhilerating, but without someone to create memories with the trip seems wasted and pointless. Who will know about what you went through? Who will know about the bumps in the road? Who will remember the times you ran out of gas? Who will help you relive it later?

That's why I decided to blog my experiences. If for no other reason than to accompany myself on the trek. To have a way to look back and recall the specifics of my journey as they happened not as I remember them. And so, I have officially packed my bags and left my driveway. I have put a few miles behind me already, but so many more are ahead. I am looking forward to the drive, but even more to the final destination: Skinny City!!