Well, I finally gave in to my cravings and boredom. I stayed home from work a couple days and found myself at the fridge most of the day. When that stopped being enough, I actually got dressed and drove to a fast food restaurant where I binged. It was only the beginning. The week that followed was overflowing with fried foods, sweets, sodas, and junk. I started acting like an addict, literally hiding from everyone while I gorged. Now, I find myself depressed and disappointed. I was doing so good. What went so wrong?!?!
I am sure that there are lots of people who do the same thing. A small slip results in a landslide of overeating that leaves that sorrowful, empty hole. I doubt myself and my strength. I regret. I try to rationalize or excuse my behavior, but it still feels like I was a completely different person for those days. I am still stuggling to find the source of my downfall. Since I can't name the problem, I decided to name that hidden self that erupts from within me from time to time. Let's call her Bertha. Let's see how she compares to Kellie.
Kellie is a vibrant, friendly, funny young woman with a blossoming career in clinical research, a beautiful family, and a brand new home on the horizon. Bertha is a reclusive, food obsessed monster who doesn't bath or leave the house for days at a time. Kellie has people in her life that love her and support her in everything she does. Bertha doesn't talk to anyone, so she doesn't know or feel the love around her. Kellie struggles with her self image and she is taking strides to improve herself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Bertha also struggles with her self image, but she feels too hopeless, worthless, and weak to try to change herself. Kellie has goals and dreams and hopes to complete her first 5K run in the next few months. Bertha is listless and inactive and hopes to just disappear from the world. Kellie is intellectual and makes good choices. Bertha is over-emotional and irrational. Kellie takes responsibility for the mistakes in her life and tries to correct them. Bertha just excuses her flaws and sins; never facing or overcoming them. Kellie is generally happy. Bertha will never be happy. I want to be Kellie.
But how? What steps can I take to ensure that Bertha is banished? What can I do to help Bertha when she does come around? Can Bertha and Kellie ever co-exist? How can Kellie be strengthened in her resolve and reassured in her soul? Are there triggers to be avoided? What can I do to be Kellie and not Bertha?
These are the questions I have to answer for myself. These are the issues to research. These are the focus of my current battles.
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3 comments:
Hello, I have also recently started the NS diet and found your blog through their website. You have some really funny posts that I can totally relate to! I beleive it is going to be one of the hardest things in my life to accompish and maintain but I sure would love to see myself in a size 12 again! Sorry to hear you fell off the band wagon but I think everyone has bad days and you need to just get back on! Good luck to you on your journey.
I've done it, you've done it, we've all let temptation take over. None of us would be on this journey if that wasn't the case. When it happens we have to pick ourselves back up and move forward and say "I'm not going to let this affect me - I am going to succeed."
You've already done most of the work, by identifying what internal battles are going on inside of you. This is such valuable info because now that you know exactly what your patterns are, specially the bad ones, and that you know in which form they show up, you can devise proactive plans to counteract them. I often joke about how I've signed up at 3 gyms: one at work, one in my appartment complex, and another down the road from where I live, so that I cannot come up with a reasonable excuse no to get my workouts done. Same has to happen Kel, reflect on the patterns you've shared with us, and see how you can structure your life to sabotage your negative patterns, to destroy them. Am I making sense? Karine
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