Kellie, I'm waiting for you...
Kellie, I miss you so much and I know that you miss me...
Kellie, I'm only $2.78. You have that in change there in your car...
Kellie, I'm all your favorite things...
Kellie, hurry, there's not much time left...
Damn you Hot Fudge Brownie Blast!! Damn you to HELL!!!!
Is it obvious that I spent yet another weekend overindulged? I am still working on finding out why I do this to myself. I have discovered my mental reasoning behind the fast food binges but I haven't discovered how to counter them. And so, I ate 3 (yes, that's THREE!!!) Hot Fudge Brownie Blasts from Sonic over the weekend and the excuses started flowing...
I still haven't gone grocery shopping and Sonic is about 13 miles closer than Wal-Mart.
I am menstruating and I NEED chocolate.
My diet has already been ruined, so what will it hurt now?
It's a limited time promo, I should have them while I can!!
UGH! I hate this. I hate feeling defeated and deterred by something so stupid!! I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I am worthy of health and happiness. I CAN change my life!!!
I am going to do a bit more study on my irrational logic today and try to figure out some strategies to defeat my poor reasoning when it comes to food. I also intend to put to paper (or screen) my motivations. I need to decide why this weight loss journey is important to me and find a way to keep some handy reminders of those close at hand.
I have got to get myself together already!!!!!
Monday, September 25, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Self Psychiatry
Okay, so I am not a licensed professional, but who knows me better than me? So I think that makes me more than qualified to analyze my own issues.
Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.
1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.
2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!
3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"
4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.
5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!
6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!
Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.
Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.
1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.
2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!
3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"
4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.
5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!
6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!
Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Sometimes it just sucks to be me...
My mental thermostat must be set to fan because I can really just blow off everything in a moment.
We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.
WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!
And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.
The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!
Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?
I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!
We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.
WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!
And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.
The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!
Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?
I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Free Write
Well, I really don't have a specific topic today, so I will just put to screen whatever comes to mind. I am sitting here having my afternoon yogurt and trying to decide what to do at the gym this afternoon. Time is always an issue in my household. My husband is a director of one of the best and largest bands in Arkansas. This means that he is far more busy and inaccessible than most other teachers. In fact, Monday evenings and Sundays are just about the only times that we see him. With marching practice, sectionals, color guard rehearsals, games (jr high and sr high), I tend to think he prefers his job at VHS than his position as a father and husband. He is so dedicated to the program and I can see the pride he takes in his job. But shouldn't the passion he has for his career also be found in his personal life. I get so jealous of his time. There are some times when our daughter doesn't see him for days because he leaves before she's up and doesn't get home until after she goes to bed!! It's unreal! And he can't understand why I get so mad at times. There are even nights when he's there all evening and then brings it home with him!! It hurts to see him so completely and totally devoted to something other than us. And there are so many other issues associated with this too. For instance, he jumps when the school or other directors call him, but there are times he "doesn't hear" me calling his cell. Also, he is very well informed about the schedule for the band, but even after I remind him of a family commitment several times, he still forgets!! He comes home every evening exhausted and frustrated or whatever else he may be feeling at work and lays it all on me and Megan. His list of priorities is topped by this job!! I can't understand that!! My job is 3rd on my list and I love my job!!! Our entire marriage has focused on his career goals and his schedule. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is successful, but at what cost?!? I am worried about his relationship with Megan, our marriage, our future... He is not selfish, but self centered. His tunnel vision ends at the band hall. It's just so aggravating!! I could handle a mistress, that I would know exactly how to counter, but what do you do when his job IS his mistress?!?! How can I compete in the few precious hours he spends at home? He makes me feel neglected, unappreciated, and uninteresting. Even during the summers he's like this. Then there is music to pick out, instruments to repair, drill to write... It makes me want to scream!!! And of course, we can't plan anything. Weekends are games, contests,..... I love him so much, that has never been a question, but I wonder sometimes if he really loves me. If he did, wouldn't he come home when all the others band directors leave the school? If he did, wouldn't he be excited to see me after working all day? If he did, wouldn't I be able to feel it ALL of the time? Lord, I hate self-doubt!! I hate wondering and worrying! I hate watching and waiting! And above all, I hate trying to go to bed at night alone!! I can't sleep, dammit!! I toss and turn the whole time while he sits in the study working on the computer or while he is at an away game. Its so frustrating! Then, the guilt sets in!! Is this just my problem? Should I really be upset about this? How stupid is this to fight over?!? But it just keeps coming up and he just keeps being gone and I just keep getting more and more heartbroken. I'm sitting here typing this, thinking what a really ridiculous issue to be so pissed off about, but I can't help it! It's not like he's cheating or abusing me or anything. So, why the hell does this bother me so much that I am sitting alone in my office on a Friday afternoon typing furiously about this whole thing?
Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!
Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!
Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!
Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Progress report
This week marks the 10th week on my weight loss program. I have lost a total of 17 pounds so far, which is alot until you consider that I have to lose 86 pounds more to reach my goal. Remarkably, alot has changed in my life during those weeks. Other than the weight loss, I am starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I actually wore a t-shirt tucked into my jeans for the first time in years!! I have developed a bit more drive in my day-to-day life as well, though it still remains very hard for me to get up as early as I need to. I have managed to stay relatively faithful to Nutrisystem with only a few cheat days and I have been drinking about 80 ounces of water daily. Lots of bathroom time!!
I've learned some stuff about myself too. I'm allergic to the elliptical machine. I don't require caffiene to live. Internet buddies can become great friends. Yogurt is not the enemy, but cameras still are! Gym classes require fresh underwear. Cheating is not necessarily failing. I can overcome depression. My husband really does think I'm sexy. Goals can always be altered a bit. Losing weight is not easy but it is possible!
Ultimate SEXY Summer Goal (July 2007)
I've learned some stuff about myself too. I'm allergic to the elliptical machine. I don't require caffiene to live. Internet buddies can become great friends. Yogurt is not the enemy, but cameras still are! Gym classes require fresh underwear. Cheating is not necessarily failing. I can overcome depression. My husband really does think I'm sexy. Goals can always be altered a bit. Losing weight is not easy but it is possible!
Ultimate SEXY Summer Goal (July 2007)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Tips for going to the gym.
So, I completed my 2nd aerobics class at the gym today during my lunch hour. After the first one, I learned that a mid day exercise REQUIRES a mid day shower!! Today, I managed to get through the entire 30 minute routine and was really looking forward to that shower when I realized a few things would have to be remedied before my next venture.
1. Always have a hair clip or ponytail holder! I was so desperate to pull my medium length hair up that I unraveled some of the stitches from the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hair!
2. Bring a towel of EVERY size. Just because they say they have towels available doesn't mean they have them "available". You need 3: a hand towel for the coursing sweat, a washcloth (or face towel for you northerners) to clean your funky butt, and a bath towel to dry you clean.
3. Buy a lock. Yes, they have lockers, but no locks!
4. You WILL NEED a hair dryer and a hair brush. This is especially true if, like me, your gym is associated with your office. You HAVE to exercise...You HAVE to shower...You HAVE to wash your hair too...and...You HAVE to be able to fix it back!!! I didn't even have a brush with me to detangle it!! I had to cross the campus looking like a drowned rat!!
5. You will also NEED to bring your makeup. Okay, so I looked like a very pale, disgusting drowned rat!!!
6. Flip flops or water shoes are a Must. It occurred to me just how disgusted the floor of those public showers could be....don't chance it! Cover your feet!!!
And this is the most important one....
7. Bring CLEAN underwear!!! It does you no damn good to take a shower only to discover that you got to put on the same sweaty drawers again!! EEWWW!!!!
I wrote all the necessities down on a post-it note and stuck it to my gym bag. Hopefully, Thursdays adventure will leave me much less homeless-looking!!!
1. Always have a hair clip or ponytail holder! I was so desperate to pull my medium length hair up that I unraveled some of the stitches from the bottom of my t-shirt to wrap around my hair!
2. Bring a towel of EVERY size. Just because they say they have towels available doesn't mean they have them "available". You need 3: a hand towel for the coursing sweat, a washcloth (or face towel for you northerners) to clean your funky butt, and a bath towel to dry you clean.
3. Buy a lock. Yes, they have lockers, but no locks!
4. You WILL NEED a hair dryer and a hair brush. This is especially true if, like me, your gym is associated with your office. You HAVE to exercise...You HAVE to shower...You HAVE to wash your hair too...and...You HAVE to be able to fix it back!!! I didn't even have a brush with me to detangle it!! I had to cross the campus looking like a drowned rat!!
5. You will also NEED to bring your makeup. Okay, so I looked like a very pale, disgusting drowned rat!!!
6. Flip flops or water shoes are a Must. It occurred to me just how disgusted the floor of those public showers could be....don't chance it! Cover your feet!!!
And this is the most important one....
7. Bring CLEAN underwear!!! It does you no damn good to take a shower only to discover that you got to put on the same sweaty drawers again!! EEWWW!!!!
I wrote all the necessities down on a post-it note and stuck it to my gym bag. Hopefully, Thursdays adventure will leave me much less homeless-looking!!!
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