Sometimes it just sucks to be me...

My mental thermostat must be set to fan because I can really just blow off everything in a moment.

We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.

WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!

And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.

The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!

Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?

I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!