Free Write

Well, I really don't have a specific topic today, so I will just put to screen whatever comes to mind. I am sitting here having my afternoon yogurt and trying to decide what to do at the gym this afternoon. Time is always an issue in my household. My husband is a director of one of the best and largest bands in Arkansas. This means that he is far more busy and inaccessible than most other teachers. In fact, Monday evenings and Sundays are just about the only times that we see him. With marching practice, sectionals, color guard rehearsals, games (jr high and sr high), I tend to think he prefers his job at VHS than his position as a father and husband. He is so dedicated to the program and I can see the pride he takes in his job. But shouldn't the passion he has for his career also be found in his personal life. I get so jealous of his time. There are some times when our daughter doesn't see him for days because he leaves before she's up and doesn't get home until after she goes to bed!! It's unreal! And he can't understand why I get so mad at times. There are even nights when he's there all evening and then brings it home with him!! It hurts to see him so completely and totally devoted to something other than us. And there are so many other issues associated with this too. For instance, he jumps when the school or other directors call him, but there are times he "doesn't hear" me calling his cell. Also, he is very well informed about the schedule for the band, but even after I remind him of a family commitment several times, he still forgets!! He comes home every evening exhausted and frustrated or whatever else he may be feeling at work and lays it all on me and Megan. His list of priorities is topped by this job!! I can't understand that!! My job is 3rd on my list and I love my job!!! Our entire marriage has focused on his career goals and his schedule. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is successful, but at what cost?!? I am worried about his relationship with Megan, our marriage, our future... He is not selfish, but self centered. His tunnel vision ends at the band hall. It's just so aggravating!! I could handle a mistress, that I would know exactly how to counter, but what do you do when his job IS his mistress?!?! How can I compete in the few precious hours he spends at home? He makes me feel neglected, unappreciated, and uninteresting. Even during the summers he's like this. Then there is music to pick out, instruments to repair, drill to write... It makes me want to scream!!! And of course, we can't plan anything. Weekends are games, contests,..... I love him so much, that has never been a question, but I wonder sometimes if he really loves me. If he did, wouldn't he come home when all the others band directors leave the school? If he did, wouldn't he be excited to see me after working all day? If he did, wouldn't I be able to feel it ALL of the time? Lord, I hate self-doubt!! I hate wondering and worrying! I hate watching and waiting! And above all, I hate trying to go to bed at night alone!! I can't sleep, dammit!! I toss and turn the whole time while he sits in the study working on the computer or while he is at an away game. Its so frustrating! Then, the guilt sets in!! Is this just my problem? Should I really be upset about this? How stupid is this to fight over?!? But it just keeps coming up and he just keeps being gone and I just keep getting more and more heartbroken. I'm sitting here typing this, thinking what a really ridiculous issue to be so pissed off about, but I can't help it! It's not like he's cheating or abusing me or anything. So, why the hell does this bother me so much that I am sitting alone in my office on a Friday afternoon typing furiously about this whole thing?

Dang it! Now he has to go and call and tell me that we are closing on our new home on Monday!! Is marriage supposed to be a love-hate relationship?!?!

Good Lord, now I've ranted an hour away!!