Not much to report on the marriage front. We are living amicably enough; no arguments, a few talks. We'll see.
Of course, he's waiting on me hand and foot right now. It's a bit annoying, mostly because I am pretty sure that it is not a permanent adjustment. He has a lot of trouble talking to me about anything but trivialities, and any serious conversations we have about our problems have to be initiated by me. He did at least finally say he was sorry, but I asked him for what. I wanted to be sure that he knew exactly what had bothered me about the whole thing. I think he gets it. Now to just have him able to keep it in mind.
Everyone is on Spring Break right now, and there's an awful lot of awkward silence, especially when Megan is here too. The other issue is our trip back to my hometown later this week. My family is completely unaware of our current troubles, and so our plans haven't been changed to reflect them. My uncle got us a stay at the very bed and breakfast we honeymooned at almost 10 years ago; in the very same room! Thankfully, Megan will be staying there with us, so it will hopefully not be as difficult as I am expecting. The real challenge will be hiding all this from my family members for 4 days. The only reason for that is the intrusive nature of my family members. They would be trying desperately to "fix us". Love 'em, but oh how they butt in!!
Here's hoping my next posts are a bit more fun!!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
WTH?!?
"I hear what you are saying. What I get so confused about in these blogs is why people air their problems such as this. The people commenting in this section have no investment in your relationship. You should be talking to him, not posting a very personal, hurtful situation. Does he read your blog? Maybe this is part of the problem. You look for your comfort from anonymous friends, and not the person you devoted your life to. I don't get it." -an anonymous comment left on a previous post here.
Why do people seek advice from therapists?
Why do overweight people seek support groups?
Why do people call in to radio stations?
Why do people, for that matter, turn to friends and family for emotional stability?
It saddens me that you don't get it, and that is unfortunate. The answer is nothing more than a connection to others, ANY others, who share a common thread of humanity. If you can find even one stranger that can lift your spirits even for the briefest of moments it is so worthwhile to air your problems. If you can find even one faceless listener to provide you with an instant of understanding when you need it most, it is a wonder to share your personal, hurtful situations. If you can find even one anonymous friend to provide you with a few words of comfort it is a blessing.
And so, I am so sorry that you don't "get it", but it has proven a source of fellowship, inspiration, and solace to me many times before. I can only hope that those whom you have termed "people" know that I consider them friends.
Oh and by the way, thanks for the comment!
Why do people seek advice from therapists?
Why do overweight people seek support groups?
Why do people call in to radio stations?
Why do people, for that matter, turn to friends and family for emotional stability?
It saddens me that you don't get it, and that is unfortunate. The answer is nothing more than a connection to others, ANY others, who share a common thread of humanity. If you can find even one stranger that can lift your spirits even for the briefest of moments it is so worthwhile to air your problems. If you can find even one faceless listener to provide you with an instant of understanding when you need it most, it is a wonder to share your personal, hurtful situations. If you can find even one anonymous friend to provide you with a few words of comfort it is a blessing.
And so, I am so sorry that you don't "get it", but it has proven a source of fellowship, inspiration, and solace to me many times before. I can only hope that those whom you have termed "people" know that I consider them friends.
Oh and by the way, thanks for the comment!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Finding Forgiveness
The post title may be misleading in that forgiveness is not what I have found yet. What I have found is strength; the strength to tell him everything I needed him to hear; the strength to lay it all out on the line full force and with no sugar coating; the strength to take control of my life and my situation.
Currently, our marriage is a tight rope. One slight little jolt and we both fall off of it. That's the end; divorce. But, taking things slowly and carefully, we may be able to reach the other side safely and together.
We went out to dinner tonight in an attempt at talking. It was one of those times when you decide on a public place in the hopes of avoiding a scene. Three hours later, we returned home under the terms of a verbal agreement. I would stay for one final chance at a successful relationship with him. However, there are LOTS of specifics and, I suppose, conditions that we both require of each other. Some of the highlights of the conversation...
1. Pornography of an sort is no longer welcome in our marriage. It has only hurt us.
2. He must delete the "tainted" email account and get a new one; providing me with the password.
3. We must be completely honest with each other about everything. I've been no angel myself and so this one is important to both of us.
4. We sleep separately, but get up before our daughter so that she doesn't know.
5. He does not expect me to engage in any of the regular "wifely duties": I'm not doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying his bills, managing his schedule. It's an opportunity for him to see what contributions I make in our marriage.
6. He is invited to read my blog. As it's where I freely express myself, perhaps he can learn something about me in the process.
7. He understands and admits that regaining trust will take a very long time, but vehemently declares that he is willing to do it.
8. He agrees to find more time to spend with the family at home.
9. He agrees to take a more active role in Megan's education.
10. He actually wants to go back to church. Here's where I will struggle, I've been angry at Him too for a long time.
I have agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings for a while. I made sure he understood that this was certainly no victory over me, but an opportunity for him. The only thing I want for myself is a clear conscience in the fact that I truly did everything in my power to save my marriage. I don't feel that now. Anger has been my primary emotion these last few days, but I can't rely on any decision that I make in anger, especially where it concerns my daughter as well. I also have to take a long, hard look at myself as an individual, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. Now is the time to start doing a few things for each of these portions of my soul. It's the perfect opportunity to sort the real Kellie out of all the bullshit I have covered myself in over the years. I think this will certainly ease some of the resentment I have been carrying.
He knows I haven't forgiven him and he claims to understand my position completely. The coming months will definitely determine whether or not Philip and I can stay on that tight rope.
Currently, our marriage is a tight rope. One slight little jolt and we both fall off of it. That's the end; divorce. But, taking things slowly and carefully, we may be able to reach the other side safely and together.
We went out to dinner tonight in an attempt at talking. It was one of those times when you decide on a public place in the hopes of avoiding a scene. Three hours later, we returned home under the terms of a verbal agreement. I would stay for one final chance at a successful relationship with him. However, there are LOTS of specifics and, I suppose, conditions that we both require of each other. Some of the highlights of the conversation...
1. Pornography of an sort is no longer welcome in our marriage. It has only hurt us.
2. He must delete the "tainted" email account and get a new one; providing me with the password.
3. We must be completely honest with each other about everything. I've been no angel myself and so this one is important to both of us.
4. We sleep separately, but get up before our daughter so that she doesn't know.
5. He does not expect me to engage in any of the regular "wifely duties": I'm not doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying his bills, managing his schedule. It's an opportunity for him to see what contributions I make in our marriage.
6. He is invited to read my blog. As it's where I freely express myself, perhaps he can learn something about me in the process.
7. He understands and admits that regaining trust will take a very long time, but vehemently declares that he is willing to do it.
8. He agrees to find more time to spend with the family at home.
9. He agrees to take a more active role in Megan's education.
10. He actually wants to go back to church. Here's where I will struggle, I've been angry at Him too for a long time.
I have agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings for a while. I made sure he understood that this was certainly no victory over me, but an opportunity for him. The only thing I want for myself is a clear conscience in the fact that I truly did everything in my power to save my marriage. I don't feel that now. Anger has been my primary emotion these last few days, but I can't rely on any decision that I make in anger, especially where it concerns my daughter as well. I also have to take a long, hard look at myself as an individual, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. Now is the time to start doing a few things for each of these portions of my soul. It's the perfect opportunity to sort the real Kellie out of all the bullshit I have covered myself in over the years. I think this will certainly ease some of the resentment I have been carrying.
He knows I haven't forgiven him and he claims to understand my position completely. The coming months will definitely determine whether or not Philip and I can stay on that tight rope.
Hurt, Humiliated, Human.
It's early on this Wednesday morning and I haven't slept yet. All I can think about is my failing marriage. I am afraid that the hatred I feel right now has hardened my heart. I can't feel anything but anger right now. I can't even look at him without wanting to make him bleed somehow. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. I want him to feel what I have been forced to feel these last few years. I want him to feel the humiliation of believing you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough. I want to make him suffer so that on the very slim chance I do eventually take him back, he'll remember this coldness. I am also angry that it appears up to me, yet again, to do the right thing. Why in the hell do I have to be the better person. I have forgiven him so many times already, why again, why now! Haven't I given him more than enough opportunities to change; to prove he loves me; and yet I am expected to do it again!! It's sickening to give all of yourself to someone only to have them chew you up, spit you out, and then believe that they deserve seconds. At what cost do I forgive him for this? What part of myself will I be sacrificing now? Can I seriously look at myself in a mirror if I allow him the opportunity to take advantage of me again? I have given 10 years of my life to this man, how much more do I have to give before it's my turn to be happy? I can't trust him, how can I be married to him? Why am I the one getting all the lectures from friends and even family?!? I just want him to understand how he makes me feel. I just want him to respect my feelings and take into consideration how the things he does affect me as a woman, as a wife, and as a human being. And if I truly believe that he is incapable of doing this, is it wrong for me to yearn to find someone else who can? He hasn't even said "I'm Sorry"!!! He just keeps trying to explain it away!! How can I forgive him when he doesn't even understand what he is doing to me?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A bit of clarification seems to be needed...
My previous post mentioned my nonchalant attitude toward pornography, adult novelties, and adult clubs. Apparently, this is extremely ghastly to some of you and I have actually received some rather preachy emails about the sinful nature of these things. My response is two-fold. First, I can honestly say that the opinions of others rarely affect my personal life. I will always happily accept advice and even criticism, but that certainly doesn't mean that I will follow through on it. I live my life to the very best of my abilities and no one can make me feel otherwise. My second response is to soften the words I used in my frustration yesterday. I admittedly left the door wide open for responses and even some personal attacks based on some poor phrasing. I will clarify by saying that I am not by any means referencing materials that include overtly immoral and/or illegal activities. As far as I am concerned, the activities I am referring to can be used to invigorate a sex life, entice an intimate moment, or improve sexual performance. Research has shown that couples who are able to utilize these tools TOGETHER enjoy a much more vibrant and satisfying sex life. One the other hand, these tools have been proven to destroy relationships when used secretively by only one partner. It is the latter that is the problem in my marriage right now although the former was my original plan. I can, at least, admit to the use of the grittier and possibly more offensive terms in my previous post, but the sentiment is the same.
Thankfully, the negativity has only come to me directly via email. I am very grateful for the support of those who have responded here. It really, really, REALLY helps to let loose about what's going on in my life and hear a few words of kindness and strength right now.
Thankfully, the negativity has only come to me directly via email. I am very grateful for the support of those who have responded here. It really, really, REALLY helps to let loose about what's going on in my life and hear a few words of kindness and strength right now.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Finally putting myself first...
After confronting him, he asserts that he hasn't pursued anything in those emails in four years. He says that he immediately deletes them as soon as he receives them. However, I found that he had one of the girl's profiles saved to his account, a fact, which again, he says is from years ago when he thought I would seriously be interested in participating in a threesome!!! So, why the fuck didn't he remove himself from their mailing list or whatever he needed to do to get rid of these WEEKLY emails!!! So, I am either married to a man with intentions of cheating in the future, a man who is just too stupid to know how to properly manage his accounts, or a man who is so completely inconsiderate and disrespectful that he seriously doesn't think it is that important!! It comes down to just three questions that I am continually asking myself over this past week:
1. Is he ever going to change? Apparently, not. We have had these exact same issues for over four years now. He is dishonest and untrustworthy. He hides things from me. I have told him a thousand times that if he would just be honest and tell me up front, I wouldn't be so angry as when he hides shit and I have to find out for myself somehow. Pornography is the best example. I come from a very liberal home and I honestly have absolutely no problem with porn, sex toys, strip clubs, any of that stuff. He, on the other hand, comes from a very conservative background where such things are taboo. Obviously, he finds Internet porn illicit and exciting, definitely something I can understand, but when he feels he has to hide it from me, that's when I get my feelings so hurt. We've been together so long that he should know me well enough to know that I will not be as angry with the proffered truth than with having to find out for myself by having it pop up when I am helping my daughter with her homework or seeing him quickly close a screen when I walk into the room!! We agreed on just such an arrangement when we saw a marriage counselor a couple years ago!! God, how many other wives give their husbands an open invitation to visit porn sites?!?! This is just the most minimal of our trust issues, but my thinking is "If he is hiding this stupidity from me, what else is he hiding?!?"
2. Can I continue to live with him if he can't change? No, I honestly don't think that I can. If he's cheating or even planning to cheat, I can't stay married to him. If he is really that stupid, I can't raise him and teach him everything he needs to know. I have a child already! If he is just self-centered and can't see beyond his own life and needs then I can never live a fulfilling life with him. No, I can't be with him if he can't change. And, again, it is quite obviously that he either can't or won't change.
3. So what can I do about it? There is only one thing I can do about it...divorce. And so, I told him I wanted a divorce tonight. Of course he cried, fell to his knees, and announced that he had a surprise date planned for us on Wednesday. He pleaded with me to give him just one more chance, but he's had that chance so many times now and all he does is take it for granted that "one more chance" is always going to be there. I am through with always sacrificing myself and my dreams for him to just shit on them repeatedly like this. I am certain that it is over by the fact that I am completely unmoved and unfeeling about this final decision. I am not upset by the idea that my marriage may be over, but relieved to be leaving a relationship that has been an anchor around my neck for several years now and and left me so completely drained, disorientated, and disillusioned.
The problem now is fear. I don't know where I will go, what I will do, how I will survive... I haven't been completely on my own in so long and I am afraid. I worry about making the right decisions about Megan. I want her with me and I truly believe that she would be better off with me because of his schedule and weekend travel for work, but can I provide for her. Can I give her everything that she needs? Can I take her away from her father? She will not have any idea about why mommy left daddy and I will forever be the one that ruined her life. Can I seriously put her through all the custody and child support bullshit that I suffered as a child? I have assured him that I will not pursue a divorce until her school year is over. But, what happens after that?!?!
1. Is he ever going to change? Apparently, not. We have had these exact same issues for over four years now. He is dishonest and untrustworthy. He hides things from me. I have told him a thousand times that if he would just be honest and tell me up front, I wouldn't be so angry as when he hides shit and I have to find out for myself somehow. Pornography is the best example. I come from a very liberal home and I honestly have absolutely no problem with porn, sex toys, strip clubs, any of that stuff. He, on the other hand, comes from a very conservative background where such things are taboo. Obviously, he finds Internet porn illicit and exciting, definitely something I can understand, but when he feels he has to hide it from me, that's when I get my feelings so hurt. We've been together so long that he should know me well enough to know that I will not be as angry with the proffered truth than with having to find out for myself by having it pop up when I am helping my daughter with her homework or seeing him quickly close a screen when I walk into the room!! We agreed on just such an arrangement when we saw a marriage counselor a couple years ago!! God, how many other wives give their husbands an open invitation to visit porn sites?!?! This is just the most minimal of our trust issues, but my thinking is "If he is hiding this stupidity from me, what else is he hiding?!?"
2. Can I continue to live with him if he can't change? No, I honestly don't think that I can. If he's cheating or even planning to cheat, I can't stay married to him. If he is really that stupid, I can't raise him and teach him everything he needs to know. I have a child already! If he is just self-centered and can't see beyond his own life and needs then I can never live a fulfilling life with him. No, I can't be with him if he can't change. And, again, it is quite obviously that he either can't or won't change.
3. So what can I do about it? There is only one thing I can do about it...divorce. And so, I told him I wanted a divorce tonight. Of course he cried, fell to his knees, and announced that he had a surprise date planned for us on Wednesday. He pleaded with me to give him just one more chance, but he's had that chance so many times now and all he does is take it for granted that "one more chance" is always going to be there. I am through with always sacrificing myself and my dreams for him to just shit on them repeatedly like this. I am certain that it is over by the fact that I am completely unmoved and unfeeling about this final decision. I am not upset by the idea that my marriage may be over, but relieved to be leaving a relationship that has been an anchor around my neck for several years now and and left me so completely drained, disorientated, and disillusioned.
The problem now is fear. I don't know where I will go, what I will do, how I will survive... I haven't been completely on my own in so long and I am afraid. I worry about making the right decisions about Megan. I want her with me and I truly believe that she would be better off with me because of his schedule and weekend travel for work, but can I provide for her. Can I give her everything that she needs? Can I take her away from her father? She will not have any idea about why mommy left daddy and I will forever be the one that ruined her life. Can I seriously put her through all the custody and child support bullshit that I suffered as a child? I have assured him that I will not pursue a divorce until her school year is over. But, what happens after that?!?!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Lost and alone
My husband has had a not-so-perfect past in the fidelity department. Blessedly, he has never had sex outside of our marriage (to my knowledge, anyway), but there has been more than enough other activity to damage my trust in him. Tonight, when I went to sign on to my Yahoo account, his was still logged on. He had gotten a new WEEKLY notice of his local matches with Yahoo Personals!!! Apparently, he has been actively searching for someone online!! WTF!!!
I hate him so much right now! But I am trying desperately to maintain my composure and figure out the best course of action. I am so angry! Why should I be made to feel so bad about myself when he is the one apparently fucking around!! I have been there for him throughout the last 10 years. I have followed him wherever he needed to go and I have devoted myself to forwarding his career over mine!! I have sacrificed so much in my life and this is the thanks I get. I feel like such an idiot! I am sick to my stomach! I can't believe that after all that we have been through and all the bullshit he's put me through that he still has the balls to be looking for someone else right under my fucking nose!!! I can't be here with him right now, but where the hell will I go? Do I take Megan with me? I just don't know what to do...
I hate him so much right now! But I am trying desperately to maintain my composure and figure out the best course of action. I am so angry! Why should I be made to feel so bad about myself when he is the one apparently fucking around!! I have been there for him throughout the last 10 years. I have followed him wherever he needed to go and I have devoted myself to forwarding his career over mine!! I have sacrificed so much in my life and this is the thanks I get. I feel like such an idiot! I am sick to my stomach! I can't believe that after all that we have been through and all the bullshit he's put me through that he still has the balls to be looking for someone else right under my fucking nose!!! I can't be here with him right now, but where the hell will I go? Do I take Megan with me? I just don't know what to do...
Thursday, March 01, 2007
My 2 Cents
Okay, this is just my own personal opinion, but why in the hell is the world so obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith?!? Our society makes the death of any celebrity into a circus, even going as far as to make fun of the deceased at every opportunity. Didn't they rag her enough when she was alive?!? And people just come out of the woodwork with these fantastic stories about their lost "friend". It's really sickening. I was certainly not a fan of hers in any sense, but this is getting truly ridiculous!! Why should we care if she is buried in Texas or the Bahamas when a tornado just flattened a small town in my state?!? Who cares if the father of her child is, as yet, unidentified? Have we suddenly lost the technology of DNA?!? Drop it already!!
I don't think I would be nearly as offended if the deaths of more noteworthy individuals made it into print more. During the same week of her death, we lost a Nobel Prize winner (Alan MacDiermid), the singer/musician who recorded the theme songs for Rawhide and Blazing Saddles (Frankie Laine), several important female leaders (like Harriet Woods & Molly Ivins), and a Motown musician who played back-up in 4/5 of all Motown recordings in the 1960's (Joe Hunter)!!!
Another severe example of this media bias makes me steam even now: Mother Teresa's death received far, far, FAR less press than that of Princess Di during that dreadful week back in 1997!!
Even more infuriating to me is the fact that the next most prominent death during the week of Anna Nicole's was that of a race horse!!!! OMG!! WTH?!?!
As I said, just my two cents worth...
I don't think I would be nearly as offended if the deaths of more noteworthy individuals made it into print more. During the same week of her death, we lost a Nobel Prize winner (Alan MacDiermid), the singer/musician who recorded the theme songs for Rawhide and Blazing Saddles (Frankie Laine), several important female leaders (like Harriet Woods & Molly Ivins), and a Motown musician who played back-up in 4/5 of all Motown recordings in the 1960's (Joe Hunter)!!!
Another severe example of this media bias makes me steam even now: Mother Teresa's death received far, far, FAR less press than that of Princess Di during that dreadful week back in 1997!!
Even more infuriating to me is the fact that the next most prominent death during the week of Anna Nicole's was that of a race horse!!!! OMG!! WTH?!?!
As I said, just my two cents worth...
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