Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Hurt, Humiliated, Human.
It's early on this Wednesday morning and I haven't slept yet. All I can think about is my failing marriage. I am afraid that the hatred I feel right now has hardened my heart. I can't feel anything but anger right now. I can't even look at him without wanting to make him bleed somehow. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. I want him to feel what I have been forced to feel these last few years. I want him to feel the humiliation of believing you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough. I want to make him suffer so that on the very slim chance I do eventually take him back, he'll remember this coldness. I am also angry that it appears up to me, yet again, to do the right thing. Why in the hell do I have to be the better person. I have forgiven him so many times already, why again, why now! Haven't I given him more than enough opportunities to change; to prove he loves me; and yet I am expected to do it again!! It's sickening to give all of yourself to someone only to have them chew you up, spit you out, and then believe that they deserve seconds. At what cost do I forgive him for this? What part of myself will I be sacrificing now? Can I seriously look at myself in a mirror if I allow him the opportunity to take advantage of me again? I have given 10 years of my life to this man, how much more do I have to give before it's my turn to be happy? I can't trust him, how can I be married to him? Why am I the one getting all the lectures from friends and even family?!? I just want him to understand how he makes me feel. I just want him to respect my feelings and take into consideration how the things he does affect me as a woman, as a wife, and as a human being. And if I truly believe that he is incapable of doing this, is it wrong for me to yearn to find someone else who can? He hasn't even said "I'm Sorry"!!! He just keeps trying to explain it away!! How can I forgive him when he doesn't even understand what he is doing to me?
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6 comments:
Kellie,
Sorry to read what is going on in your life right now. My thoughts are with you.
This is my opinion and by no means is it the "best advice"....
1) A relationship is nothing without trust. If you do not trust your husband, HE is NOT worth you or your efforts.
2) Be the better person. You will grow from it and your daughter will learn from it.
3) Do not "make him bleed". It will just cause more grief down the road for you. He will find out what's it's like to not be "the one" when you divorce him.
4) Forgiveness is earned, not awarded. Just because he says he is sorry doesn't make it right. It's just a word. The actions of being sorry need to accompany.
5) Staying together for a child's sake is just not right. Whether your daughter knows why or not, she is still attuned to nuances and behaviors in the home. What are you showing her by accepting your husbands behavior?
6) You can and you will provide for your daughter and yourself. You can do it, just have faith in yourself.
It may be hard for the first while but you will come out stronger and a better person.
I hope it all works out in the end and always stick to your convictions, ignore the lectures, the naysayers and the guilt from others. It is your life and daughters.
Do what YOU think is the best plan of action.
The plan that lets you hold your head high and look into the mirror with pride of knowing you made the right choices along this rocky path, that's the right plan.
Dang...Lola should be a professional advice giver because that was all very well said.
I think that you will make the best decision for you and your daughter. The only advice I have is to do everything in your power to keep things amicable between you and your husband for your daughter's sake. The less drama, the better. And never talk badly about her father - because he will ALWAYS be her father.
Kids are pretty smart, I'm sure she knows that something is up. I have many friends who's parents stayed together for their kids - and I can't tell you how many times it just made everything worse.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you...it sucks to hear about stuff like this and feel so helpless.
I always hate to see a marriage break up - but at the same time, I truly believe that life is too short to be unhappy.
Marriage is HARD WORK - and Love is most definately a DECISION.
You must decide what is right for you and your own happiness.
Big giant virtual hugs to you Kellie
In the long term, you'll work out something amicable with your husband. In the short term, you've been severely wounded by one of the people whom you are supposed to be able to trust most in life. So get it all out, girl. Say what you need to say, and feel what you need to feel. It's been a short period of time since this all happened, and you don't deserve any guilt in this matter. You just need to be able to say what's on your mind.
If my husband cheated on me and people told me to stay with them, I'd tell them to shut their pieholes and mind their own damn business. I'd tell them to be supportive of me as I figured out what to do, or shut up. Even if you do someday manage to forgive your husband (possibly future ex-husband), that does not mean that you stay with him; that you accept his actions; or anything else along those lines. You do what's best for you, and you take good care of your daughter, and eventually you will realize that you could take care of business without him all along. If that at some point means you choose to be with him, that's your option. But this is about you realizing your potential as a person and taking care of running your life in a way that is acceptable (or pleasant? content? imagine those emotions being in your life again--they will be, I promise) to you.
I just realized I haven't mentioned that I say all of this as the daughter of a father who cheated. My mother begged him to stop and come back to her, and while I understand the motives behind her doing that, I am more proud of her for moving on with her life than I would have been with any other outcome. There was no reason for her to belittle herself for the sake of her husband or our supposed family unit.
I don't mean any of this to tell you what to do; I just mean that people should not be telling you to go back to him willy-nilly. Anyone who says that can't possibly understand what it's like . . . or if that is what they have chosen to do, they have values that don't involve self-integrity and self-esteem.
And don't let anyone tell you or imply that God wants men to be able to do whatever they want while their wives just deal with it; that's complete bullshit.
I agree with all that Lola said.
You really need to do what is right for your situation. I will be sending many positive thoughts and prayers your way.
It is never easy to make the hard decision - whose to say which is harder - forgiveness or leaving? Either will take great strength of character.
I am going to refer to Lola on this one. So perfectly stated, and I agree completely.
Everyone is going to have an opinion right now, but you need to do whats best for YOU. And you are the only one who truly knows what that is.
I'll chime in with what everyone else is saying. You need to do what is going to be best for you and your daughter.
You're stronger than you think and regardless of what you decide you'll make it through this.
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