Finding Forgiveness

The post title may be misleading in that forgiveness is not what I have found yet. What I have found is strength; the strength to tell him everything I needed him to hear; the strength to lay it all out on the line full force and with no sugar coating; the strength to take control of my life and my situation.

Currently, our marriage is a tight rope. One slight little jolt and we both fall off of it. That's the end; divorce. But, taking things slowly and carefully, we may be able to reach the other side safely and together.

We went out to dinner tonight in an attempt at talking. It was one of those times when you decide on a public place in the hopes of avoiding a scene. Three hours later, we returned home under the terms of a verbal agreement. I would stay for one final chance at a successful relationship with him. However, there are LOTS of specifics and, I suppose, conditions that we both require of each other. Some of the highlights of the conversation...

1. Pornography of an sort is no longer welcome in our marriage. It has only hurt us.
2. He must delete the "tainted" email account and get a new one; providing me with the password.
3. We must be completely honest with each other about everything. I've been no angel myself and so this one is important to both of us.
4. We sleep separately, but get up before our daughter so that she doesn't know.
5. He does not expect me to engage in any of the regular "wifely duties": I'm not doing his laundry, cooking his meals, paying his bills, managing his schedule. It's an opportunity for him to see what contributions I make in our marriage.
6. He is invited to read my blog. As it's where I freely express myself, perhaps he can learn something about me in the process.
7. He understands and admits that regaining trust will take a very long time, but vehemently declares that he is willing to do it.
8. He agrees to find more time to spend with the family at home.
9. He agrees to take a more active role in Megan's education.
10. He actually wants to go back to church. Here's where I will struggle, I've been angry at Him too for a long time.

I have agreed to hold off on divorce proceedings for a while. I made sure he understood that this was certainly no victory over me, but an opportunity for him. The only thing I want for myself is a clear conscience in the fact that I truly did everything in my power to save my marriage. I don't feel that now. Anger has been my primary emotion these last few days, but I can't rely on any decision that I make in anger, especially where it concerns my daughter as well. I also have to take a long, hard look at myself as an individual, as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. Now is the time to start doing a few things for each of these portions of my soul. It's the perfect opportunity to sort the real Kellie out of all the bullshit I have covered myself in over the years. I think this will certainly ease some of the resentment I have been carrying.

He knows I haven't forgiven him and he claims to understand my position completely. The coming months will definitely determine whether or not Philip and I can stay on that tight rope.