After confronting him, he asserts that he hasn't pursued anything in those emails in four years. He says that he immediately deletes them as soon as he receives them. However, I found that he had one of the girl's profiles saved to his account, a fact, which again, he says is from years ago when he thought I would seriously be interested in participating in a threesome!!! So, why the fuck didn't he remove himself from their mailing list or whatever he needed to do to get rid of these WEEKLY emails!!! So, I am either married to a man with intentions of cheating in the future, a man who is just too stupid to know how to properly manage his accounts, or a man who is so completely inconsiderate and disrespectful that he seriously doesn't think it is that important!! It comes down to just three questions that I am continually asking myself over this past week:
1. Is he ever going to change? Apparently, not. We have had these exact same issues for over four years now. He is dishonest and untrustworthy. He hides things from me. I have told him a thousand times that if he would just be honest and tell me up front, I wouldn't be so angry as when he hides shit and I have to find out for myself somehow. Pornography is the best example. I come from a very liberal home and I honestly have absolutely no problem with porn, sex toys, strip clubs, any of that stuff. He, on the other hand, comes from a very conservative background where such things are taboo. Obviously, he finds Internet porn illicit and exciting, definitely something I can understand, but when he feels he has to hide it from me, that's when I get my feelings so hurt. We've been together so long that he should know me well enough to know that I will not be as angry with the proffered truth than with having to find out for myself by having it pop up when I am helping my daughter with her homework or seeing him quickly close a screen when I walk into the room!! We agreed on just such an arrangement when we saw a marriage counselor a couple years ago!! God, how many other wives give their husbands an open invitation to visit porn sites?!?! This is just the most minimal of our trust issues, but my thinking is "If he is hiding this stupidity from me, what else is he hiding?!?"
2. Can I continue to live with him if he can't change? No, I honestly don't think that I can. If he's cheating or even planning to cheat, I can't stay married to him. If he is really that stupid, I can't raise him and teach him everything he needs to know. I have a child already! If he is just self-centered and can't see beyond his own life and needs then I can never live a fulfilling life with him. No, I can't be with him if he can't change. And, again, it is quite obviously that he either can't or won't change.
3. So what can I do about it? There is only one thing I can do about it...divorce. And so, I told him I wanted a divorce tonight. Of course he cried, fell to his knees, and announced that he had a surprise date planned for us on Wednesday. He pleaded with me to give him just one more chance, but he's had that chance so many times now and all he does is take it for granted that "one more chance" is always going to be there. I am through with always sacrificing myself and my dreams for him to just shit on them repeatedly like this. I am certain that it is over by the fact that I am completely unmoved and unfeeling about this final decision. I am not upset by the idea that my marriage may be over, but relieved to be leaving a relationship that has been an anchor around my neck for several years now and and left me so completely drained, disorientated, and disillusioned.
The problem now is fear. I don't know where I will go, what I will do, how I will survive... I haven't been completely on my own in so long and I am afraid. I worry about making the right decisions about Megan. I want her with me and I truly believe that she would be better off with me because of his schedule and weekend travel for work, but can I provide for her. Can I give her everything that she needs? Can I take her away from her father? She will not have any idea about why mommy left daddy and I will forever be the one that ruined her life. Can I seriously put her through all the custody and child support bullshit that I suffered as a child? I have assured him that I will not pursue a divorce until her school year is over. But, what happens after that?!?!
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5 comments:
I know you think you have thought this out, but I implore you to continue pondering before you do anything. I'm glad you're waiting for school to be out. That gives you more time. Like you said, do you REALLY want to put Meg through what you and your brother went through as kids??? AND...I would also ask you to recall our conversation over last Thanksgiving. PLEASE don't think I'm preaching. I KNOW if you put aside your anger and turn it over to Him, ALL things will become much clearer. I too am a child of divorce. I am mainly thinking about Megan. But, I know that YOUR life will change for the better as well. I'm your friend, and I will not sugar-coat the things I say to you any longer. I wouldn't be a real friend if I did. This is serious stuff! I am willing to do WHATEVER I need to do in order to help you through this. Just make sure you use ALL your power and resources...power and resources that can ONLY come from above. Let's be in touch. This is too important to shut your friends out at this point.
Again, I dont know exactly what to say. But it sounds like you are thinking things through and thats the most important. And if you want a completely unbiased opinion I'm here (and typically super bored from 8:30-5!) so please feel free to email me (jeannie.waters at hotmail).
Hang in there! You and Megan are in my prayers.
I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can't. I honestly don't know anything about the situation you are going through right now. I am glad that you are waiting until the end of the school year. While I hate to see a couple stay in a relationship that isn't working (my aunt and uncle have and it hasn't been healthy for their son) maybe you should consider trying to work on things until then with no promises that you won't go through the divorce. But, whatever the decision, just keep in mind what you went through. That way you can be there for Megan and try not to make things as bad for her.
My heart goes out to you! I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. One thing I think about in my marriage is that I want to set an example of what marriage should be about to my daughter. I keep that in the back of my mind at all times. Is your marriage the example of what you want to set for Megan? Good Luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.
I feel a bit differently than the others, I guess. After four years, your husband has shown his stripes. You've put in your time putting up with him.
What you do over the next four months is slowly, methodically come up with a plan for how you want your lives to be. If at some point during that time your husband has been in solo and joint counseling and you feel like he deserves another try, you have that option. But I think you should move forward as if you are going forward alone.
As a child of divorced parents, I know divorce is awful. But I think it's worse to have a daughter be raised by parents who have an extremely dysfunctional relationship (which this is) than to have a mom who stands up for herself and knows when enough is enough. Do you want your daughter to respect herself? Of course you do. That starts with you respecting yourself.
As part of my job, I go through low- to moderate-income people's finances with them to help them make good choices about money. I'll be happy to help you do that if you'd like. Just let me know.
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