So many whys.

Have you ever come to a point where you start to ask yourself, "What the hell is the purpose of it all?"

A purpose...why do I have to have a purpose? Why do I feel like there has to be some final destination to my life which is affected by every aspect of everyday living? If I am overweight when I die, will God care? Have I mistreated my "temple" by being obese? Why do I have to continually remind myself of the reasons for this journey to thinness? What the hell are my reasons? Why am I doing this?

Granted, there are days when I feel so healthy and strong. On those days, it's easy to stop the inner questions by citing the feeling itself. "I do this because it makes me feel good." But, there are many more days when I am forced to deny myself "No, you can't have that, you're on a diet"; "You can't wear that because you are too fat"; "You have to be skinny to be attractive". Of course, the next question I always ask myself is "Why?".

Why do I need to lose weight?
Why do I hate the way I look?
Why can't I just eat whatever I want?
Why am I punishing myself when I know it makes no difference to eternity?
Why do I care what everyone else sees when they look at me?
Why can't I change?
Why?

I am a biologist. I understand the potential health risks. I know the literature. Hell, I've even written some of it myself! But, I have no health problems; no real family history of health problems; no physical restraints due to my weight.

I am a outgoing person. People like me and I have never had any real enemies. I get along great with everyone and I am extremely personable. I am happily married and don't require that model's physique to catch a man. I may suffer from depression at times, but I can even hide that from most with an Oscar-winning performance of happiness. I have a successful career and decent social life. My weight has never made a negative impact on any relationship save one: my relationship with myself.

I have never been athletic and have no interest in sports. I can't even stand to watch them on television. I have no desire to train for a 5K or a triathlon or body building championship. I just don't feel that competitive drive. I don't find sweat appealing or invigorating; it's just sweat. Exercise is just a synonym for work that I don't get paid for and I really find it hard to rationalize its necessity at times.

I have always hated the idea of conformity. I can't stand the thought of one ideal body type that I am supposed to be in order to be considered beautiful. I hate to feel pressured to do something just because society embraces it. The idea that I have to change my appearance to appease other people sickens me. I shouldn't have to adjust my lifestyle to live in this world; especially when it won't matter at all in the next!

So, Why? Why is weight loss so important? Why am I doing it?

Every question I have can be answered with the same word: Megan.

Why do I need to lose weight? So that Megan will have a healthy role model to emulate. It is my responsibility to teach her how to take care of herself. It is my responsibility to decrease her chances of health issues later. Her health as an adult actually depends on my health now!!

Why do I hate the way I look? Because, I feel like I have let Megan down. I worry that eventually she will see me as a "woman" and not her mother. She will include me in society's comparison of ideals. I fear that she will someday actually dread the idea that she may become her mother.

Why can't I just eat whatever I want? Because Megan would do it to. She would think that gluttony is fine and that food is just food, no matter its nutritional value or lack thereof.

Why am I punishing myself when I know it makes no difference to eternity? My job here is to teach my child. If I fail to guide her, I have failed in my life's work. And what am I to answer when He asks me why I have taught her gluttony instead of grace, selfishness instead of self sacrifice; food instead of faith.

Why do I care what everyone else sees when they look at me? People not only see me, they see my husband and daughter as well. They see who I am and judge who Megan will be. I am a reflection of the strengths and weaknesses that I will pass on to her.

Why can't I change? Because I never truly believed that I needed to. I never had a reason to believe that my overindulgence affected anyone, even myself. I didn't realize how much Megan needs me: needs me to be around as long as possible; needs me to teach her; needs me to show her the world and all that's in it.

Why? Megan. She is the one that makes it all worthwhile. She is the reason to become the very best mother that I can possibly be. She is my ultimate goal. She is my strength. She is my triumph. She is my purpose. She is my "why".