Some Resolutions...

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I will get in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I will gain the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I will recognize that in some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. I will understand that my intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I will not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. If someone hurts me, I will acknowledge that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, though not nearly as rewarding.

8. I will become one with my duality.

9. I will be more flexible, for then I can tie myself in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I will honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. I will maintain that a scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

16. I will feel secure in the fact that the complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I will walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Here's to a promising New Year to all!!!

Challenges for 2007!!

I stumbled across a group blog entitled 12 Months of Health, Fitness, and Fun . This looked so interesting that I just had to join in and share it! It's very different from anything I've seen online so far. Each participant sets a different monthly priority for 2007. Once set, you are assigned a partner from the group and you pair up to support each other in reaching whatever your goal may be. It could be something as simple as drinking 8 glasses of water per day to something as specific at and entire fitness plan for the month!! At the end of the month, you send each other a special award or trinket for attaining their goal.

It looks like a great way to reinforce those unique bonds we create here in cyberspace and to expand your support group a bit!! Currently, there are 13 participants (I just submitted mine, so I'm not on there yet) and I am sure that there is room for many more!!

My goal for January incorporates my step challenge. I aim to step at least 7500 steps per day during the month of January!! Wish me luck!!

Funny Friday

Amazingly enough, this isn't true this week!! I actually have lost 4 pounds since returning to program on Wednesday!! WTH?!?! I have a fellow blogger that weighs herself everyday and I would expect a minute daily change, but DAMN!! Granted, I have been a bit sick to my {lower} stomach the last couple days which have resulted in a tremendous amount of private time in my restroom. I'm not going to complain!! It just puts me that much closer to the target challenge goal of 15 pounds by January 12. If I can reach that at the official weigh-in, I will be entered into a drawing for a $200 gift certificate!! Only 4.8 pounds to go and 2 weeks to do it in!!

Speaking of challenges, I have added a new ticker here. I challenged Annieann77 to a Step Off. We both have new pedometers and are aiming for a tremendous number of steps (232500 to be exact!!) completed during January! If anyone else is interested, jump right in, but be warned there may be some trash talking!!! ;)

Annieann77, you better look out, girl!! I practiced yesterday and I logged 8,954 steps!!! I am gonna walk all over your tail!! ;)

Now, I'm off to enjoy a long weekend, a couple margaritas, and hopefully, a nice grilled chicken breast!!

Who yo daddy?

Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Dada Why You Love Him: He knows best

Who's" Your Daddy?

Wow! This explains alot!! Maybe I should just succumb to the dark side!!!!

Teaser Thursday

I am a movie fanatic and I absolutely love to keep up with the coming attractions. I have started to notice that you get so little mention of movies with budgets less than $100 million these days, so in the spirit of sharing, I present Teaser Thursday. It's a chance for me to share some of the not-so-blockbusters (and some of the more anticipated ones, too, of course) on the horizon. Keep in mind, I am not a professional critic, nor have I any advanced knowledge or access to these films. This is only an expression of interest in these pictures based on their trailers as posted on their respective websites!!!






Miss Potter


The Weinstein Company


January 5, 2007


http://www.potter-movie.com/


Starring: Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, Emily Watson, Barbara Flynn, Bill Paterson, Lloyd Owen






I have always loved "The Tale of Peter Rabbit", but I have never even considered the life of it's author and artist Beatrix Potter. This looks to be the enchanting tale of her life during the publication of her world-renowned children's book. A love affair and subsequent proposal from an oddly mustached suitor (Ewan McGregor) results in family tensions and societal pressure. Miss Potter finds strength and independence following "tragedy and loneliness"; a statement that leaves me in fear of a tearful ending that has likely resulted in this movie's classification as a drama and not a romantic comedy. A cast of wonderfully charming actors only increases my urge to see this one!!

In case you didn't notice, the time now is 3:26 AM. For some reason, my eyes just popped open this morning and I can't get back to sleep. Maybe I am excited because my daughter is going to work with me today. Or maybe I just went to bed a bit too early last night (around 9; many more hours sleep than I am used to getting!!) Either way, here I sit with little else on my mind so I find myself surfing the web and trying to just stay up a couple more hours until it's time to rouse the family. I wonder if there is anything worthwhile on television...

Wednesday Wisdom

It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up. - Vince Lombardi

Dragging myself up out of the quagmire of overindulgence is not very easy. I still have to look at all the wonderful sweet things that I love lying all over the house. Cordial cherries, egg nog, holiday cookies all seem to be staring at me from every corner of my home. Ugh!! But, I am going to face those temptations and attempt to stand back up, stronger and wiser!

I weighed myself this morning to find that the holidays were not good to me. I have gained almost 6 pounds back since November. On the bright side, at least I didn't gain back all 12 that I had lost so it's still a great jumping off point for the new year!! It put my fat tail back up on that diet wagon though!! I am starting out fresh again and have settled on a couple new strategies to go along with 2007. My hubby teaches so he has quite a bit more time off for the holidays than I so I have set him a research assignment for today. He is to read over my fitness contract and try to think up some ways to be more supportive and helpful with my new lifestyle change. I have appointed him my unofficial trainer. I think by keeping him up-to-date on my progress will help him to become a bit more sympathetic to my struggle and maybe even influence him too. We'll see...

Now, to a new grievance: Have you ever just wanted to beat the hell outta someone? I almost succumbed to road rage on my way to work this morning. I am typically a very calm person, but I think this guy would have deserved it! He was a total road hog and a huge jerk! He was driving a truck with those spot lights on top of it. You know, the ones hunters usually have even though they are illegal to use in most places... Anyway, this guy was tailing me for a while with those things on and shining right in my face!! I even slowed down to let him pass and he just stayed there...inches from my bumper! Finally, the road became 2 lane highway, but only temporarily. He finally passes me in the left lane, then gets back in front of me, slows to a crawl, and puts his brake on every few seconds. He actually turned around to look at me a few times!!! Then, he got on his phone and looked like he was telling a buddy about how much fun he was having!! That's when I got on my phone and dialed 911. I told them about my reckless driver, where he was, and his license plate number. I continued to follow him at an attempted safe distance while he continued to creep and brake. The 2 lanes appeared again and I tried to pass him. He sped up!! Laughing the whole time!! I just couldn't believe it!!!!! He finally let me pass and when he was behind me again, he turned those spot lights back on! I actually felt like I was in danger! I called 911 again and told them that I was being harassed and was worried for my safety from this person following me. Now, I take a back road highway to work and my commute is about 30 minutes just to get into the city. I was on the line with the dispatcher when I got into North Little Rock and shortly after that I saw those blue lights finally!! Of course, then he backed off, but the cop already had him!! The dispatcher took my name, address, and phone number; reminded me that my call had been recorded, but said that it may be necessary to file a formal complaint. I agreed but it was all I could do not to turn around and stop with him and the officer. I could have hurt the guy!! Now, I have to go by the PD this afternoon to file a complaint! What was his deal?!?! Damn, now, I'm all pissed off again!!!!!

My own personal fitness contract!!

Based on an awareness of my personal health status, I, Kellie R. Nichols, am contracting with myself to follow the physical fitness program set forth herein to work toward the following health improvement goals to be achieved between the dates of December 26, 2006 and January 1, 2008. The benefits shall include but are not limited to improved self image, increased energy levels, avoidance of future health risks, and the promotion of a healthier lifestyle to my daughter.

Goals
1. To decrease my current weight, I will engage in aerobic activity three times a week and resistance training two times a week. I will follow the Nutrisystem Nourish weight loss program and minimize my caloric intake to a maximum of 1900 calories.
2. To improve my aerobic fitness, I will walk three times a week outside my home or office in the afternoons or evenings for a minimum or thirty minutes at my target heart range of 128-172 bpm.
3. To balance my overall fitness level, I will participate in full body resistance training twice a week at the ACH gym during my lunch break for a minimum of 30 minutes. I will also drink a minimum of six glasses (48 ounces) of water daily.
4. To maintain accountability and support, I will recruit the assistance of at least one individual willing to contact me directly on a weekly basis as well as reviewing my required journals and weigh-ins. I will also continue blog submissions as needed for further support. Commitment to assist me shall be expressed by witness signature.

Monitoring Tools
I will use the following tools to monitor my program and my progress toward these goals:

1. Food Diary: A small notebook in which I shall record my general food intake and daily activity.

2. FitDay: A computer software program designed to record specifics about my overall nutrition, my caloric expenditure, my general mood, my measurement changes, and my overall weight loss.

3. Pedometer: A personal training instrument used to determine the number of steps I take each day, their corresponding distance in miles, and caloric expenditure.


Incentives
My program includes the following schedule of minigoals which, once achieved, shall result in the rewarding of the incentives listed:

Adhering to exercise schedule= Weekly= $5 Wardrobe Jar
Loss of 10 pounds= ~ Monthly= 1 Dinner Out
15 Pound Holiday Challenge (237 lbs)= January 12, 2007= Gym Bag
53 Pounds to Onderland (199 lbs)= May 18, 2007= Diamond Ring
96 Pounds to Goal (156 lbs)= January 1, 2008= Tatoo/Wardrobe Jar

If I fail to achieve any of these weight loss minigoals, I will forfeit the coordinating incentive.

Overcoming Conflicts
The following is a list of potential difficulties and how to avoid them.

Temptations resulting from lack of meal planning. This can be avoided by simply packing my days meals and snacks the night before to prevent hunger.

Lack of support for my lifestyle change. This is remedied by avoidance of negative individuals and continued contact with my support team.

Depression. Continued psychological treatment should alleviate this.

Self-consciousness about public knowledge of my diet program. Try to be open to questions about my program and forthcoming with information for anyone with questions.

General laziness. Increase activity gradually and try to include an increase in everyday activities which will also increase my energy levels.


I, Kellie R. Nichols, have reviewed this contract and I agree to discuss the experiences involved in accomplishing or not accomplishing these health improvements with Philip D. Nichols each and every Monday.

Signed: __________________________ Date: _________________


Witness 1:________________________ Date: _________________


Witness 2:________________________ Date: _________________

Christmas Damage Control

I have been a bad, bad girl. Santa should take back my gifts!!

Okay, so the holidays tend to bring out the best and worst in me. What can I say, other than, I will try to do better next year!! It may have been a bit naive of me to think that I could jump back on the dieting wagon just before all the major eating holidays. Well, live and learn!! In this spirit of self forgiveness, I am posting today's Daily Dose from the NS website. It's really a good one!!

Don’t regress. Progress!
Holiday Tip #26: Learn from your mistakes and move on.

The leftovers are boxed and in a fridge far, far away. The presents are being enjoyed. The house is finally quiet again, and you’re getting back to the grind. So how did you fare? Did you participate in the smorgasbord, mindlessly shoveling into your mouth everything that crossed your path? Or, did you put into practice what you’ve learned, allowing yourself to sample only your favorites without overindulging? Hopefully you celebrated the holiday in high style, maintaining control, but if you’re shaking your head at yourself (noting that your pants fit just a tad more snugly today), have your moment of regret and then LET IT GO! Don’t put your energy into feeling guilty. Nothing good can come of that!

Don’t succumb to that inner critic and allow one minor slip-up to ruin weeks of hard work and dedication. (And if you did claim victory over that chocolate soufflé, let out a loud YAY!)
There’s less than one week left of 2006 and it’s time to really psyche ourselves up for the coming year—so let’s get started! Regardless of what happened yesterday, or the week before that, or the week before that, let’s rededicate ourselves today by vowing to enter into the New Year with guns blazing and weight loss goals in sight.

You can’t change yesterday, but you can definitely triumph tomorrow!

One of those times....AGAIN!!!

Why does weight loss have to be so much harder than weight gain?!? Temptations seem to far outnumber inspirations! I have strayed off-track again. I find that I am actually craving french fries and ice cream so badly that it feels like a physical withdrawal from an addiction. I have been blaming it on so much lately...the Holidays, PMS, TOM, depression... I just always seem to find myself in these slumps!!! I hate this!! How in the hell did I get to this point in my life?!? How did I lose myself beneath an 80 pound layer of cellulite?!?! How do I keep myself on the "straight and narrow"? I have been reading so many of the NS Daily Doses as well as the other blogs that I am into. There are so many others out there like me, yet I still feel like I am alone at times and that I can't do this! Then, there is the real clincher in my warped mental justification: People like me, why the hell should I give a damn about my weight?!? I'm in decent condition health wise with no diseases or internal effects of my excess weight, why should I change?!? Despite all my attempts to improve my mental attitude toward my weight loss, I still find myself struggling everyday not to eat everything in site!!!

Okay, new strategies are obviously in order!! I have got to find some sort of daily (or even hourly; hell, minute by minute for that matter) affirmation or inspiration to revert to in my times of weakness and struggle.

Oh and I have just had a brainstorm!!! I saw this on another blog I visited recently. I have to put everything in writing. I have to make a commitment to myself and the only way that I can do that is to create a contract that includes a specific plan for my GMC. (G oal M otivation C onflict)

Goal To reach a weight of 156 pounds by New Year's Day 2008.

Motivation To feel better about myself. To be a healthy role model for my daughter. To have more energy. To be able to buy cute clothes. To avoid any future health risks.

Conflict General laziness and unwillingness. Too many tempting opportunities resulting from lack of planning. Little support at home. Depression. Self-conscientiousness about public knowledge of my dieting. Feeling as though it would just be better to not try than to fail.

Geez, I have issues! The next thing I have to do is to come up with ways to remind myself of what I am striving for. I am considering some inspirational quotes to display around those weakest areas of my life. My office, my fridge, my car even could use some up-lifting sentiments. I have also thought about printing some of these quotes on address labels that I could then stick to things like my debit card or credit cards. That way when I go to whip it out at McDonald's there would be a happy little message of hope for me right there. I am still working on converting my urges for food into urges for exercise, but that is so difficult. I haven't been able to find a sincere appreciation for exercise yet!! I am open to any other suggestions...

And finally, I have to decide on some sort of reward system. A motivation to help keep me on track. Something that I yearn for more than those fries or that jamocha shake. I have to look deep inside myself for something that I would be willing to seriously work for.

Once I have done all this, I will write it up in contract form and sign it. I will then have my hubby and maybe even my mom witness it for me. I am hoping that if I lay out my precise plan, my family may find it easier to support my program. I might even be able to find a way to include him and motivate him to do the same!!! Then, I can post copies of this contract in visible areas or my home and office as a reminder of goal and it's impending prize.

I will work on this today and post it tomorrow!

Funny Friday

If only that were true, huh?!?

The new dog went over just fine last night. The husband was a bit perturbed but when I told him the story about Derby his heart just melted. This morning cinched his official membership in our family. He stayed in the house with us all night. Keep in mind that we bought our home in September and it was newly carpeted, so we took quite a risk last night!! Anyway, Derby did so well and impressed us all. I slept on the couch so that I could hear him if he needed to go to the bathroom. He lay on the floor beside the couch all night. When my bladder woke me up at 4:19 this morning, he decided he needed to go too. He just stood patiently in front of the door while I went to the bathroom. Once outside, he took care of business, sniffed around a bit and then headed for the house! So, no piles or puddles in our home!! YAY DERBY!!! This made my hubby very, very happy. It also helped to learn that he was neutered and fully vetted, too. I think what really convinced him though is that I took him to Petsmart yesterday to have him groomed. He came home to meet his new daddy looking gorgeous, feeling so soft, and smelling of sugar cookies curtesy of the holiday grooming package there!! We are going tonight to get him a dog house and invisible fence system. Everything is wonderful today!!!

I'm in trouble...

Okey, so I should never mix anger and pets again. After writing yesterdays post, I started looking for Jack Russell Terriers. I have wanted one for years and it just never seemed like the right time and we didn't have the cash to get one. I was surfing the website of the local animal shelters. There at the Little Rock Animal Shelter (LRAS) I found a lovely little female who was in urgent need of a home. She had been there for a while and was in danger of being euthanized. My heart melted and I decided to go and check her out.

I took my lunch break to travel a few blocks to the shelter and when I got there, they said that she had been fostered and most likely be housed in British Columbia!!! I turned to leave when I noticed that someone was standing outside with a couple of dogs, one of which looked like a terrier mix. I went out to find that these were the last of about 20 animals that needed to be housed before December ended or their time was up. There were 2 dogs: a little beagle mix who had an injured eye and acollie/pyrenese mix with a lovely coat. I was torn not only between them but also on whether or not to take one home. I tried to call my hubby but his cell phone is on the fritz and I couldn't reach them. Meanwhile, another woman fell for the beagle and I started talking to the handler. The collie mix had been turned over to the shelter by a family who had to move away. He was nuetered and had all his shots when he arrived, they just couldn't take him with them. The LRAS can only foster an animal for 6 months. Then they go to Last Chance Arkansas. Here is where they foster them out to volunteers in the hope that they will get a home. They can only stay in this foster care for 8 weeks. This dog's time was up. He was actually back at the shelter because his time was up on December 15 and he was scheduled to be put to sleep. I just couldn't let that happen!! So......

Meet Derby the newest member of our family. This is his shelter pic and he is so much prettier after his bath and brushing!! Isn't he a dream!?!? Now I ask you, could you have let them put him down?!?! The only problem now is telling my husband. The shelter held him overnight last night so that I could prepare for him, but I have to pick him up this afternoon. I tried to tell him last night, but he was grumpy (the cat was bugging him and he hasn't been sleeping well lately) and he was engrossed in a program on TV. So I just went on to bed. I am planning on relying on the old saying: "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission."

Pray for me!! I may be either dead or divorced tomorrow!!!

If only husbands were pets...

Wouldn't a pet husband be so much easier to deal with than a real, human one?!? My life would be so much nicer if I could just scold him a few times about an issue and he would learn not to do it again! My home would be so much cleaner if I could just rub his nose in his messes and then he wouldn't make them anymore! My world would be so much less hectic if I could train him to take care of simple household tasks on command, without refuse, without attitude, and with only offering a treat afterward! My bed would be so much more comfortable if I didn't have to worry about sexual advances when I am not in the mood and all I had to do was find a comfy position, get in it, and rub his belly.

I had a long, exhausting day yesterday. I had to get up at 5:30 to leave my house by 6:30 to pick up the company vehicle at 7:30 an hour away. We drove it 1.5 hours away to an allergy clinic at a distant school district. We had appointments starting at 10 and lasting until 4:15 that afternoon. We then had to drive the 1.5 hours back to my office, unload, return the vehicle. I finally started out on the hour-long drive home at 7 pm last night. I called my hubby to let him know that I was on my way home and that I would be there by about 8 or so. He was at home with our daughter. He actually asked me to stop and pick up milk and bread on my way home!!! There is a f*&#ing store about 5 blocks from our house!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Even then, I didn't lose my temper. I was tired. I didn't want to fight. I just told him that it would be after 8 (our child's bedtime is 8:30) before I would be there and he should just go down to the grocery store right quick and get some. He huffed and we got off the phone. Again, I am trying to keep from getting angry...I called my mom and we chatted for a while during which he called me back several times. I didn't answer his call because I was on the line with my mom. I get of the call to mom and see that I have a voicemail. If you could only hear it, typing it here just doesn't do it justice: "{huge huffy sigh} Will you call me back please!!!"

And, so, all patience left me and I did call him back. Of course then we fought and apparently, I "never answer his calls". NOTE: I love how we all generalize issues as "always" or "never" when we're angry. Nothing is ever "always" or "never" in reality!!! Long story short, I still end up stopping to get milk and stuff and in my angry fit, I also bought a king-sized, triple chocolate drumstick. Nice, an extra 440 calories that my anger fed but couldn't burn off!!

So, today, I am wishing I had bought a dog instead of a wedding license!! A dog doesn't complain if you don't serve it dinner. A dog doesn't expect you to jump whenever it barks and won't snapped at you if you don't respond to it quickly enough. You can teach a dog to shit outside instead of in the bathroom just before your shower!! You can leave a dog at home for a while by himself and it won't call you and bug you about trivial things like "where is my ________"! I think I will trade him in on a Jack Russell Terrier!!!!

Weekend Update with Kellie Nichols

I had a wonderful time this weekend and I am so glad that we went! It was so worth it!!

We had nearly talked ourselves out of going Friday morning due to those dreadful money issues I mentioned earlier, but we decided at the last minute that it was important. It would just mean that we had to make the trip much cheaper than usual. So we packed up a couple ice chests along with our luggage and headed to my in-laws. We dropped off the kids (daughter and dog), had a bite to eat, and hit the highway.

About 5 hours later we stopped at Wal-mart where we enjoyed sandwiches in our car before we went inside to purchase a couple last minute necessities (hubby forgot to pack underwear!!). About an hour and a half later, we checked into our Motel 6 in St. Louis. They'd had some snow and ice the previous week and the ground shimmered. Following the exhaustive drive and the new experience of 10 lane traffic, we crashed for the night.

Saturday morning, we both woke up bright and early before the alarm even went off!! We had a day of totally free activities planned and we were eager to get started. The Halocaust Museum, The St. Louis Walk of Stars, the Cathedral Basilica, the St. Louis Zoo, and a couple of famous old cemetaries were on our agenda. AND ALL FREE TO THE PUBLIC!!! We shared a breakfast special at the Waffle House and a couple cups of some of the most perfect coffee ever and started our adventure!

And boy was it ever an adventure!! Apparently, St. Louis either doesn't believe in the keeping of state maps or it is such a popular destination that they are constantly out, because they illuded us all day!! None at the front desk, none at the tourest center, none at the gas station even!! We ended up using the little bit of one in the phone book that just had a dot for all the attractions and only names the major interstates through the city!! NO STREET NAMES!! OMG! It was so funny!!

We started out looking for the Halocaust Museum and couldn't find it. so we pulled up beside a parked police officer only to find him in a deep sleep!! When we finally gave up our search for that destination and started trying to find the Walk of Stars, we stumbled upon the Museum to find that it was closed!!

So, we head for the Walk of Stars. It's got these bronze stars imbedded in the concrete along the street for each of the prominant people associated in some way with the city. People like Miles Davis and Albert King for my musician husband and people like Tennessee Williams and T S Elliot for me. Of course, we couldn't find it so we decided to head for the zoo. Guess what?!? Once we started trying to find the zoo, we found the walk!! Now, we were 2 for 2!! We stopped and took pics of our preferred stars and headed to the zoo.

The zoo was a bit easier to find and all we had to do was follow the signs on the highway! It was awesome!! We had lunch in the car again, the whole time worried that everyone was making fun of the hillbillies from Arkansas; sittin in their car at the zoo and eating sandwiches. The zoo was so great! So many animals and such an unbelievable facility and FREE!! We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon there and got lost when it was time for them to close! It was so great, I could have spent another day there!!

Then, of course, was the whole reason for the trip: Jeff Dunham at The Funny Bone! He was fantastically hilarious and soooooo worth the trip!! We even got to see a new puppet that had only been introduced a week ago!! So much fun!!

Note to all future St. Louis visitors: The joint shuts down after midnight!! Even the Wal-marts and Walgreens we could actually find were closed!!! Thankfully, we found an open Taco Bell and indulged a bit on a couple tacos.

We got up Sunday and headed home. We landed in Sikeston, MO right at 12:15. Perfect time for the one extravagence we had planned for the weekend: Lunch at Lambert's Cafe!! For those that don't know, it's the place where they throw the fresh hot rolls at you and feed you all this incredible country style cooking untill you feel like you are going to burst!! You order your meal with 2 veggies (we both got the pork chops) and that's what you get, but then they also have these servers circulating the room with pans of fried okra, skillet potatoes, mac and cheese, black-eyed peas.... And they just pile you up with any of it you want!! OMG!! I am still full!!

And, no it was not on my diet, but I was really, really good last week and I will be really, really good this week too. I weighed this morning and I had only put on about 1.6 pounds for all of it, but I am confident that I can get right back on track this week. Besides, it was just such a great weekend with my hubby and I really enjoyed myself!!

I did not want to come to work this morning though!!!

I HATE MONEY!!!

Gosh, why does everything have to be so hard!?!? We've had this great weekend planned for months and now it looks like we may not be able to go!!

Okay, so here's the story. We started a new policy in October with our life insurance agent. He's a nice guy really and we have been with this company for almost 9 years now. Anyway, we started these new policies and turned over $70 to get them started. He came back a month later with the paperwork and said that our first automatic payment would be $109 on November 24th. This would include the premiums for October and November. Makes since so far, right? Last week, they drafted $255 from our checking account!! I don't know about some of you guys, but our budget is pretty tight and an unexpected expense really hurts us!! It was 2 days before my husbands paycheck hit and it plunged us into the red. Of course, then every other check we still had out bounced and of course, the bank (ridiculously, I might add) charges you more of what you don't have! We ended up with $248 in overdraft charges!! 2 days has ruined our entire month of December and maybe even hurt our Christmas!! And the company refused to budge. They claim "riders" on our policy increased the price and that it was the fault of our agent who told us the wrong amount. So we have to just take it up the you-know-what!!

So, now we are behind about $400, which was trip money we had planned to use for this weekend on our little holiday to St. Louis. The Jeff Dunham tix are already paid for and are non-refundable and I was so looking forward to it!! I'm upset, mad, depressed, and whatever else I could possibly be in a situation like this!! What Christmas shopping I will be able to do has to wait until the 15th when hubby gets paid again and I just have to hope and pray that the bills I am having to skip to pay others aren't going to ruin us later in January too!!

I HATE MONEY!! When I am Queen of the World, I will change all that!

One Scale + One Non-Scale Victory!!!

Scales are down another 2 pounds!! YAY!! Unfortunately, I can't change my turtle ticker up top to reflect this! Something weird is going on with blogger beta today. The format for posting has somehow changed and I can't get my customization stuff to change! I'll try tomorrow because I am really excited about making that little guy move some!!

Non-Scale-Wise: I spent the weekend out of town and though I did not eat the NS foods I had taken with me, I still did very well about minimizing what I did eat. I managed to keep my calories well under my allotement and still eat the meals provided by the band organization which included KFC, a breakfast buffet, and McDonald's!! I am very proud of myself!

I wasn't feeling very well yesterday and I am still feeling quite off today. My stomach is upset; I feel jittery; and I keep getting chills although it is warm in my office. Not sure what all that's about, but I can't afford to get sick now! This weekend is jam pack with things that really can't be cancelled for illness!! I am out of town for schedule research clinic for 3 days this week and this weekend is our trip to St. Louis. Those tix are non-refundable. Ugh!! Please pray that I will be feeling better by morning!! I am planning on going home early this afternoon to rest.

December Already?!?!?

OMGosh!! It's December! Where has the time gone?!? I got a little "put off" today when I ripped November off of my desk top calender. I have December 31st marked as "Onderland Goal" in bright green ink. The worst of it all is that if I hadn't lost myself for about 6 weeks or so, I would probably be getting very close to that goal right now!! How saddening! And extraordinarily disheartening!! It's just terrible to think about where I might have been if I had managed to stay on track.

My only comfort is knowing that I should be back to my pre-depression weight (234 lbs) by that time. I can't focus on my lost time or regrets. I have to stay totally focused on reaching my goal. Especially since it's the holiday season. There is so much more temptation right now. Two of my favorite things are typical only available around Christmas; namely egg nog and chocolate covered cherries. And I have made it to the first day of December without a single bit of either!!! YAY ME!!!

December is a very busy month in general too and I am hoping that the extra fun activities will keep me busy and my mind off all the Christmas goodies skulking about the stores. Today, I am going with my hubby's high school marching band all the way to Shreveport, Louisiana. They were invited (and paid) to perform in the Christmas parade there. I have my meals packed and plan to stick to my plan as best I can. Next weekend, I am taking Friday off and Phil and I are headed up to St. Louis for three days. We haven't been alone together since last May and we are going to see my fave comic Jeff Dunham!!! I am so excited!! Then there is my office party on the 15th and then of course Christmas and New Years!! That doesn't even include the 8-10 days of travelling for work that I will be doing this month!! WHEW!! All that should definitely keep me occupied!!!

So, now I am setting a new Onderland Goal: May 18, 2007. This will coordinate perfectly with my 10 year anniversary and a good friend's 40th birthday, which better be one helluva party!!! ;)

PS. "helluva" was actually in my spell checker!!!

A free smile.

Turtles, Turtles, Everywhere!

My obsession with turtles may be obvious visually, but also has a symbolic meaning. I am an animal freak!! I have a zoo membership and have applied to be a volunteer docent in the spring. I am a fanatic over Animal Planet (I actually record Meerkat Manor weekly!!) and love the Discovery channel. I have had pets all my life and have fostered many, many others. I have cared for the typical domestic breeds; right now, we have a dog, a cat, a hamster, and a 75 gallon fish tank full of rather promiscuous guppies. I have also enjoyed my share of exotics; I've lived with African bullfrogs, endangered salamanders, 3-toed box turtles, and even a black widow spider once. So, it's no surprise that I associate a lot with the animal kingdom.

Alot about the complex nature of humans can be easily understood by a comparison with different animal species. A fact that is obvious when you think of all the animal cliches the world over:

Corporate Sharks (those ravenouse members of the business community)
Lounge Lizards (those laid-back, mellow folks you find hanging out)
"breed like rabbits"
"sly as a fox"
"eagle-eyed"
"busy as a bee"
"heart of a lion"

And I am sure that there are thousands more. I even call my daughter Monkey! An animal is just an easy reference tool. It's a way to symbolize yourself that most people will understand even without a degree in Biology.

Now, back to my turtles...
Turtles are typically isolated individuals. They hide themselves well and protect their soft insides with a tough shell. They retreat into this shell when they are scared or stressed. Their movements are slow, but purposeful and constant. (Remember the "Tortoise and the Hare" fable?) Most are unassuming and plainly "attired"; no flashy exterior or bright plumage. And they are quiet. (I've never heard of a turtle call!!!) They don't cry out or draw attention to themselves.

So, I identify with them. I understand all those traits of turtles that make them, well, turtles. I find their characteristics within my own personality right now. Of course, all my "turtle traits" are symbolic, but I am still a turtle.

I am aiming to become a dolphin, but that's a post far ahead in the future!

BTW, Annieann77 - A turtle without it's shell?... Is it naked or homeless?!?! ;)

5 Things

5 Things I like about myself:
1. I am a very knowledgeable animal lover.
2. I am good with kids.
3. I am a people person and generally get along with everyone.
4. I think I have pretty eyes.
5. I am a fair writer.

5 Things I don't like about myself, but I can change:
1. I am classified as obese.
2. I have no female friends to hang out with.
3. I have a tendency to be lazy at times.
4. I dropped out of graduate school.
5. There are times when I lie to people for no reason.

5 Things I don't like about myself, but I must accept as unchangeable:
1. My hair is extraordinarily thin and fine.
2. I wear a size 10, wide width shoe.
3. I don't have delicate, graceful hands and fingers.
4. My skin still thinks it's 14 and is highly prone to acne.
5. I have a number of past regrets.

5 Nice things people have said about me:
1. "You are the smartest person I know."
2. "When you are happy, you radiate."
3. "I'm glad you're my momma."
4. "We are so proud of you!"
5. "Exceeds Expectations"

5 Positive changes I have made in my life in the last six months:
1. I started the Nutrisystem program.
2. I have decreased my caffeine intake to only 1 serving per day.
3. I have begun therapy for my depression.
4. I have bought a new home and moved into it.
5. I joined the gym at work.

5 Things I can do to lift my spirits when I am down:
1. I can read Shakespeare.
2. I can go for a walk.
3. I can call a friend.
4. I can write poetry.
5. I can blog.

Just thinking...

My mind is full and racing today and I just can't understand why! Yet, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing today! I haven't sincerely accomplished anything at work today and I just keep jumping back and forth between the other blogs I regularly read. (As though, they will somehow provide some miraculous answer to my mental state today!) So, I have finally decided to just free write for a while and see if anything comes of it.

WARNING: This entry may be long and random with no focus whatsoever!!!

I find that I am sitting her in my office with the window open and the breeze drifting in upon me. I can't get my head straight to save my life today and I don't understand what my issue could possibly be! My hands are shaky and my knees are jittery and I don't know why. I have startd and stopped several projects today and can't seem to finish anything. Stop focusing on that! Free your mind to wonder...

why am i unhappy? why can't i sleep? why can't I do all the things I know that I should? Why can't I see myself? i feel vacant and lost; confused and disoriented; i feel just plain weird. i have closed my eyes and just let my fingers talk. I am not sure what will come. I feel hollow and empty and alone. I can't shake these feelings. I can't make my self feel of value and worth. i don;t like it. I don't like myself. I don't like feeling lost and listless. I can't make myself feel any different. I can't find anything today but the empty shell that's sittin gin front of the computer. I don't know what I am feeling or what I need to change it. Iam afraid. I am unhappy. find me. find who i am . find out what makes me happy. find out what I need for myself. me. find me. find me. I know that I am here somewhere. I am just on the bookshelf behind last years editions of self pity and unhappiness. I am there. I just have to dig a little to find me. i can't though. Everything that I am is defined by someone else. I'm Phil's wife. I'm Megan's mom. I'm Ricky's daugher. I'm Dr. Perry's assistant. I'm not me. Im someone else entirely. I can't even see myself in a mirror. I can't see anything but the form of a person that is so unfamiliar and so unpleaseant to me. I can't see anyghing. I see nothing there. nothing. I can't be nothing. I just can't be nothing. There is a reason for my birth. There is a reason for being. There is a reason for being me. There is someting in me that is good and beautiful. There is something inside me that is true. There is someone there. It makes no sense to exist as nothing. I am somethinkg; someone. I have to be, but who and what?


Wow! This actually made me feel a bit better! It's like being nauseous. Once you throw up, you feel better!!! (sorry if that's a bit gross!)

Thanks + giving

First and foremost, I am having "one of those days". I had so much trouble just getting out of my bed this morning. Unfortunately, it's more than just fatigue from the long weekend; it's my "what is the point of it all" mentality that keeps me lying there. However, I did manage to force myself to rise this morning and I am desperately trying to leave this schlumpy feeling behind.

So, here are my attempts at positive thinking...

Thanksgiving was wonderful! It was the first time that I had ever hosted one in my own home! It felt really great even though by Friday night I was exhausted. My house was filled with friends and family on Thursday and there was plenty of feasting. Some of them even stayed with us that night and we enjoyed some TV and dominoes together. We stayed up until after midnight and then I actually got up at 2 in the morning to go to Best Buy with my step mom and my brother!! It was surprisingly fun. The 2 hour wait in line was balanced by the free Krispy Kremes, the conversation with those around us, the hilarity of the idiot who caught his blanket on fire, and the successful acquisition of a Nintendo DS for my daughter at a very, very good price! All in all, a memorable morning!! That evening, we kept a friend's 2 children at our house and, I am ashamed to say, we didn't have a very good time. I was so tired and cranky that it wasn't very fun for anyone. Saturday saw the vacating of my own home in favor of my in-laws. There we had a rather different sort of Thanksgiving dinner. We roasted hotdogs and marshmallows outside!! Lots of fun!

Of course, I ate a lot, but I did at least TRY to go easy on the foods! I am supposed to be weighing in tomorrow, but I may put it off for another week just to help me feel a bit better about myself.

I am still trying to understand why I struggle with myself so much. But I am also having alot of trouble concentrating on anything today. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

Mission Impossible?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate and detain one Kellie Nichols.
{insert spy theme music here}

Your target is 5'7", weighing about 160 pounds, brown hair, green eyes. She was last seen in May 1995 living under the assumed name of Kellie Davis. She should be considered heavily armed but not necessarily dangerous.

Load up on Nutrisystem meals the evening before the mission. Be sure that you pack plenty of ammo to last the entire day. We don't want any food casualties, people. Careful surveillance should be maintained at all times and make certain that everything is properly logged in your Mission Journal as well as Fitday. Arm yourselves with your pedometer and water bottle, they just might save your life. Keep close contact with the members of your tactical team; they are there to back you up in case of emergency. Be on constant guard against excess sugars and fats; your target tends to use these weapons in times of distress. She may be difficult to locate as current photographs have proven extremely scarce. Target has been AWOL for more than a decade now, so be prepared to search for a year or more. She's out there, people, go get her!!!

This blog will self-destruct in thirty seconds.

The Biology of Sex and Cheating...

Men: Visually stimulated (it's why they get an erection from a magazine)
Women: Emotionally stimulated (it's why we enjoy the connectivity of foreplay)

Men: Genetically driven to procreate (it's the reason they produce millions of sperm cells)
Women: Genetically driven to nurture (it's why they only, typically, produce 1 egg per month)

Men: looking for fertility and virility (it's why young females are more tempting)
Women: looking for stability and safety (it's why older men are so attractive)

Men: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for sexual adventure to escape monotony
Women: #1 reason for infidelity is looking for emotional committment to escape indifference

Men: Genetic competitiveness (quicker, more frequent ejaculations ensures insemination)
Women: Genetic carefullness (fewer, less frequent orgasms test the committment of males)

Men: Able to reproduce well into old age (evolutionary assurance that as many offspring as possible are produced)
Women: Menopause (evolutionary assurance that offspring are healthy)

These are just the points that I can remember thanks to my biology degree!! And these are only the biologically instigated differences between the sexes!! These don't even begin to express the social or religious aspects!! No wonder there is so much strife between us!!

And my weekend is over....

Oh, it's Monday...AGAIN!!! I really hate Mondays; they mean that the weekend is really over and that the next one is as far away as it can get!! But it's a short week...

"Smile and have fun today; tomorrow may be worse." Some simple but very wise words from an 8 year old cancer patient I read about today. Here is this child, the same age as my own, sitting in a hospital fighting for his life every single day. He has to endure needles, medications, treatments and still keeps smiling! So what the hell is my problem!! I am for all intents and purposes a healthy, vibrant individual whose only struggle is with her weight! And I am bitching about skipping the french fries and having to go to the gym?!?! This problem is not that difficult and, blessfully, not that deadly. So, lets lay down the facts and figures {shiver} of my own fight and get right down to it, shall we? I can longer be afraid of numbers!!!

Weight: 244 lbs
Dress size: 20W
Measurements: 46", 44", 49"
BMI: 39

There, its out there! Shocking, I know, but it's true! I measured myself this morning! And you know what...I wasn't that upset about it! I didn't cry. I didn't get frustrated about what the hell I was gonna wear to work today. It didn't make me grumpy. They're just a bunch of damn NUMBERS!! That's it! Nothing more! They neither define my character nor determine my morality. They can't win me friends or influence people. They can't help me to get or lose a job (at least not in the scientific community ;) thank God). They don't make me who I am. These numbers mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me!!! They are quantitative not qualitative!! These numbers are no more than reference tools used to help us see where we stand in relation to everyone else in the world. No more important than shoe size or height. I am the only person who has made these few digits into a measure of myself. I have let them determine my social activity level. I have let them determine my interest in sex. I have let them tell me that I am a horrible and ugly person.

So, I am redefining my numbers. They are not going to be my defining characteristics. They will now be nothing more to me than instruments for determining my success. They will help me to visualize where I am going and to remember where I have been.

They are just numbers!!!!

Refocusing

I realize that I started this blog to help me with my thoughts on my weight loss struggle. Amazingly, it has become a means of daily venting my everyday struggles with work, marriage, family, everything. It's so funny that I find myself today with absolutely nothing to discuss!! Everything that's going on in my life right now and I have no focal discussion!! My thoughts are scattered and I can't follow a single train of thought to any distinct location!!

I am still angry with Philip.

I am still feeling self conscious and unhappy.

I am still fighting against temptation.

So much for refocusing! Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The good, the bad, and the real ugly...

The good was reported yesterday when I discussed his loving and attentive detail in confronting all I had to share with him.

The bad was asking him (yet again) to let me know the schedule for this weekend. It's Thursday!! Was it so wrong of me to want to know if he had a band related event on Saturday before I finalized family plans?!?!

The real ugly was the explosive argument that followed. Its was easily one of the worst we've ever had.

I have been asking him to check his schedule about this Saturday for over 2 weeks now. His parents wanted us all to get together this weekend and do a little weenie and marshmallow roasting. It's something his dad has been trying to coordinate for months and we finally nailed a date. It's been on my calender since then and I have been trying to get Phil to make sure it was on his as well.

He has never been good about communicating his schedule with me. I know that he is busy, but it is just a common courtesy to let others know your availability (or in his case unavailability) in a timely manner. We have argued over this before. I'd make plans for a family outing and 2-3 days beforehand he tells me of a concert, or contest, or parade, or something that he has to be out of town for. For 10 years, I have scheduled and rescheduled my life around his and I just got fed up with it this morning!! He is a band director and he "doesn't know" if he has some sort of engagement for 2 days from now?!?! To me, that was both ridiculous and irresponsible. If he didn't even know, how could he possibly expect his students to attend an event they don't even know about yet?!?! He claims it to be missing from the official calenders (both his and the bands), there is no website discussing the issue, nor is he aware of anything going on that day. BUT, he says "I am not sure"! What do you mean "you aren't sure" ?!? You just said that there is nothing on the schedule and nothing on the web, but we can't assume that you are free for this weekend?!? WTH???? "I just don't know" WHAT?!?! I just couldn't understand not knowing if you have something to do in 2 DAYS!?!?!?! I was frustrated, upset, and pushed beyond my limits. And apparently so was he. He just exploded!! Of course, I didn't take that well at all!!! I am still pissed if you can't tell already. And the worst of it all is, we thought Megan was outside in the car ready to go to school. All the while she was standing just outside the door and heard everything!!

I just can't take the idea that he has so little courtesy and respect for me that he can't even take the time to find out where the hell he is supposed to be and let me know! Even if it wasn't listed in his office or something, a simple phone call a bloody week ago and none of this would have happened!!! I am so tired of planning our FAMILY around HIS work schedule. It's irritating and hurtful. I can certainly appreciate his dedication to his job, but there has to be some sort of median between his responsibilities to his band and those to us. And just communicating those damn things to me in a timely fashion (just as most kind and considerate people actually do!) would improve our situation immensely. Oh, I am still just so angry!

Discussion Result

Okay, so I took the cowards way out and instead of actually telling him everything, I did just what I had proposed. I copied my blog about it all, handed it to him, left the room, and waited.

A few minutes later, he emerged, red-faced. I was so scared. Was he angry? Was he hurt? What was he thinking about?

He cleared the table silently and motioned for me to sit down. I did so, but I couldn't look him in the eye. He had the paper in his hand and sat down beside me with a pen in the other. He then took me line by line of what I had written and we discussed each and every item there. From my resentment to my depression and back again. There were lots of tears, a few laughs, and even a bit of "heated discussion". It was about two hours of some of the closest time we've ever experienced. It was all out on the table (literally AND figuratively!). And, yes, I do feel much better, but I am still harboring some feelings. The guilt about the thoughts and events of the past few weeks. The fear of the coming weeks as I attempt to strengthen myself emotionally. The hesitation I experience in trying to reorganize my life.

He kept coming back to one point throughout our discussion. He believes that losing weight and becoming healthier will help all the areas of my life that I feel need work. He reassured me that he loved me for who I was and I believed him. For the first time, maybe EVER!! He just thought that a thinner me would be able to find some of the confidence that I had lost as I gained the weight. That confidence, or lack thereof, is my trigger according to him. (Keep in mind, this is my husband, NOT my therapist!!!) It keeps me from socializing so I feel outcast. It keeps me from changing my eating habits so I'm still fat. It keeps me from trying new things so I stay at home. It keeps me from loving myself so I that I convince myself that no one else does either. It just keeps me wrapped up inside my own little negative world.

I don't know if he is right, but it's definitely a good theory. And it gives me the opportunity to correct my thoughts and emotions without the use of prescription meds.

And so, I start my weight loss journey all over again. Almost from the beginning. My weight this morning was 247.2 pounds. And away I go....

My thoughts

I know that I am so erratic about posting here, but I am desperately trying to get better. There are times when this is the only place that I can be myself. It's a fairly ridiculous notion, I know, especially when you consider that most people hide themselves in cyberspace. On the contrary, I can cry, bitch, whine, scream and the words are always the same and the audience is faceless. I can put to screen all the things I feel like I can't put to words... all my sadness, my fears, everything. A great example was my previous post. I told the vacuum of space (and those few that are interested in reading) about my recent "episode". I still haven't told my husband any part of it. My therapist directly said to inform him, but I haven't been able to. Now, I am faced with the last night before my appointment tomorrow. I told him this morning that we needed to talk this evening, but as the day slips away, I am struggling with how to do it. I have almost resolved to just letting him read that post, but then it would open up my secret hiding place to him. Here is where I deposit my anger. Here is where I express my desires. Here is where I attempt to leave my depression. Here is where I lose myself.

So, here's the plan. I will let him read the post but only after I cut, past, and print it as a document.

Then I will wait...

I will wait to see his reaction...

I will wait to find out what he says...

I will wait to discover if he is willing and able to help me through this...

Lord, I am terrified of this conversation. I don't think that I could be more scared if I was telling him of an affair or something like that!! At least an affair would have immediate, but short term effects on our relationship. That's just an issue of trust. But there are so many emotional aspects to worry about. I am afraid that he will always treat me as though I am defective. I am concerned that he will blame himself and then distance himself from me. I am worried that it will change his entire perception of me as a wife and mother. Oh, God! What if he thinks it makes me a bad mother?!? Oh, I hate this!!!

New November?

So, for those who keep up, I haven't written in over a month. Things have not gone according to plan. I am lost. I am afraid. And I am clinically depressed.

About 3 weeks ago, I found myself in that deep canyon again. Having tumbled back down to the darkest depths of that ravine, I couldn't raise myself back up. I couldn't see how anyone could like me much less love me. I lost three whole days of my life in tears, excessive sleeping, and gorging myself on fried foods. I actually pretended to get ready for work and when my husband and daughter were gone, I collapsed into a sobbing pile of nothingness. Each day I felt worse, each day's suffering filled me with despair and guilt. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate the person that I have become. I have lied to everyone and tried to turn myself into Little Mrs. Perfect. I have denied my own passions and interests to the point of forgetting what they even were. I have let myself become someone I don't know.

In one month, I have gained back those 20 pounds it took me 3 months to lose. In one month, I have decreased the number of pants I can comfortably wear to only 2 which I have to continually wash. In one month, I have ostracized myself even in my own home. In one month, I have learned the skill of acting so convincingly that no one knows that in this one past month, I have actually thought of suicide.

Thankfully, this thought was fleeting and not enough to warrant further action from my therapist, but it was there. I was on my way to work the morning following my 3 day torment when I thought about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel sharply and hit the tree line or the concrete divider. It was the thought that everyone would be so much better off if I weren't here. My husband could pay off lots of bills with my insurance money. My daughter would have a wonderful, beautiful memory of her mother instead of the grotesque reality of what I am. My family is large and would easily recover especially with the joy of my nephew's impending birth. I can be replaced by a speaking monkey at work. No one would have to suffer by my unhappiness or grumpiness any longer. It would be so easy. Then my scientific mind took over and the more terrifying thoughts of injury, paralyzation, vegetative states put my car back into alignment. It was then I realized just how low I had slipped and that I couldn't cheat or joke my way out of life any more. I also realized that I would need help. When I got to work that morning (safely) I called the psychologist who had worked with Phil and I on our marriage about a year ago. I had my first visit alone with him this past Saturday.

I cried throughout the entire hour. I realized just how miserable I was. I admitted to yearning to just run off and about how guilty I felt about that yearning. I told him about my resentment at feeling forced to be this picture perfect wife in our community. How I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and that I would never be everything I thought people wanted me to be. How I resented myself for being so weak as to succumb to the one character trait I despise the most, hypocrisy. How I felt suppressed by my husbands career. How I hated my reflection. How I hated myself. How I had been pretending with everyone. All the horrible madness flooded out of my mouth with my torrents of tears.

We discussed medication, but I don't even like to take aspirin. He suggested I tell Phil everything. But how do you tell someone close to you all this? How do I keep it from coming out like "I would rather be dead than continue to live with you!" How do I make him understand the bone-deep sadness I am feeling? I don't even understand it myself. I have no real reason for it! We have a beautiful daughter, a brand new home, stable careers, financial stability. What the hell is wrong with me? I think of these things and feel even more guilty!! I hate this!! I hate feeling confused and sad!

All I can say is "I am sorry". I am sorry for not being true to the way I have been feeling. I am sorry for wasting so much time. I am sorry if this brings people down. I am sorry for basically telling the entire world how pathetic I have become. I am sorry for telling you that more posts like this are sure to come. I am sorry for becoming a burden to my friends and family. I am sorry for everything I have said, done, been. I am just sorry.

My next appointment is on November 15. I am researching meds as we speak.

))))))DAMMIT!!!((((((

Kellie, I'm waiting for you...

Kellie, I miss you so much and I know that you miss me...

Kellie, I'm only $2.78. You have that in change there in your car...

Kellie, I'm all your favorite things...

Kellie, hurry, there's not much time left...

Damn you Hot Fudge Brownie Blast!! Damn you to HELL!!!!

Is it obvious that I spent yet another weekend overindulged? I am still working on finding out why I do this to myself. I have discovered my mental reasoning behind the fast food binges but I haven't discovered how to counter them. And so, I ate 3 (yes, that's THREE!!!) Hot Fudge Brownie Blasts from Sonic over the weekend and the excuses started flowing...

I still haven't gone grocery shopping and Sonic is about 13 miles closer than Wal-Mart.
I am menstruating and I NEED chocolate.
My diet has already been ruined, so what will it hurt now?
It's a limited time promo, I should have them while I can!!

UGH! I hate this. I hate feeling defeated and deterred by something so stupid!! I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I am worthy of health and happiness. I CAN change my life!!!

I am going to do a bit more study on my irrational logic today and try to figure out some strategies to defeat my poor reasoning when it comes to food. I also intend to put to paper (or screen) my motivations. I need to decide why this weight loss journey is important to me and find a way to keep some handy reminders of those close at hand.

I have got to get myself together already!!!!!

Self Psychiatry

Okay, so I am not a licensed professional, but who knows me better than me? So I think that makes me more than qualified to analyze my own issues.

Yesterday, I asked myself "Why do I crave junk food and fast food?" And here's what I have come up with so far.

1. It's an indulgence.
I feel like eating out somehow proves that my family isn't impoverished. This may come from growing up in such a large family. As I have four other siblings, eating out was always a special treat and the few times we got to do it, I remember having to split a meal with my sister. I can't recall ever having one of my own. Being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want seems to make me feel strangely accomplished.

2. It's convenient.
I don't have to do anything to get it. I don't even have to get out of my car to eat it!! It means no grocery store, no cooking, no dish washing, no work! It's like having a genie...I just ask for something and POOF! I have it!

3. It's forbidden.
Let's face it...telling someone NOT to do something is a sure way of promoting the behavior sometimes. That tiny rebellious streak inside me says "I know that I am not supposed to have this, but I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!!!" It's like some sort of strange cry of independence. I am a law-abiding citizen and, at times, I have even been called a "goody goody". Eating this crap whenever I want to seems to be some sort of stupid, childish way of screaming "I AM NOT A GOODY GOODY!!"

4. It's reliable.
I assume that there is some sort of deep seated comfort in the sweets and fats that I eat. "I'm PMS-ing, I need the largest chocolate shake around." "I am mad at my husband, I'm not cooking. Let's all have a cheeseburger. And I will make him go get it, too!!" "I'm so depressed. All I want to do is eat." Food is a friend. It will never hurt my feelings, take the parking spot that I wanted, never cheat on me, and doesn't judge me. And food is always there.

5. It's an excuse.
It gives me a reason to visit with friends. It provides something to blame this excess weight on. It somehow justifies it's own expense. It's an escape from uncomfortable social situations. It's a simple reason to leave my office during the day!

6. It's universal.
There are McDonalds in China. There are Burger Kings in Paris. There are millions of people all over the world eating the exact same garbage that we have here in the US. I can travel just about anywhere in the world and still get a Big Mac or a Whopper. And in some cases, I can even get them as soon as I step off a plane!!!

Alright, now my vice has been defined. Now I can attempt to reconstruct my thought process to view food in an entirely different manner. Now I just have to find some ways to convert my vice into a virtue.

Sometimes it just sucks to be me...

My mental thermostat must be set to fan because I can really just blow off everything in a moment.

We signed the papers on our first house a week ago. It's a lovely home in a wonderful neighborhood straight out of The Wonder Years. So, I start planning for the move and started packing. My intentions were noble enough: exercise would be found in the shear act of moving, water would be plentiful, and as Nutrisystem provides such convenient meals (including bars and shakes), dieting would be simple enough.

WRONG!! HUMANITY SUCKS!!!!

And I am not talking about the spirit of community. That was wonderful! My husband is a band director and some of the band parents were overly generous. We were blessedly provided with a large truck to help us. Ice chests full of sodas, sport drinks, and waters were left for us and our welcomed friends and family members helping with the move. And finally, fountainous kindness was bestowed in the form of food...and lots of it. Donuts, pizza, casseroles, desserts, gift certificates to the bloody Sonic arrived throughout the day. The humanity of Vilonia is golden.

The humanity that sucks is within me. My enormous potential to justify ANY act of food!!! "I can't insult them, so I have to eat it." "The kitchen is still packed up, so I guess we can use that Sonic Card." "I am too tired to cook, lets just order in." It just went on and on. I have decided that I am a glutton. I actually caught myself on several occasions the last couple days trying to talk myself out of it prior to the sin itself, but I NEVER LISTEN!!! And worst of all, was the hidden eating. I went to Sonic one night (at about 10 pm mind you) for ice cream. When I get there, I order myself a SECOND dinner!! I didn't want Philip to know about it so I scarfed it down before I got home and hid the paper in my car!! How pathetic is that!!! Of course, I got sick that evening for it too! I hate the way forbidden foods make me feel like such a criminal. I have this strange mentality of "all or nothing" that I can't seem to shake. If I completely stay away from the fast food joints, the restaurants, and the family get together, I do great. On the other ugly hand, once I get started on just one little bit of that junk food, I turn into a ravenous pig. I seem to never be satisfied when I eat that crap so why do I do it? God Lord, there must be a trigger that I haven't figured out yet. There must be something in me that screams some hidden message of gluttony and food greed that I haven't deciphered yet. I do so well for so long and then I go on these week long binges and I don't understand why. I might have lost 5 pounds during the move, but instead, I gained 3!! And I can be so fake about it all too. Lots of people know that I have been dieting and doing well. Its funny that I could have eaten an entire buffet of junk all day, but when I get in their presence, I want to appear so healthy. I even got mad at my daughter once for asking "Mom, aren't you on a diet anymore?" She's only 7!!!

Our state has banned smoking in public places, I may start a movement to ban foods high in sugar and fat!! If the crap was illegal would I still eat it?!?

I hate feeling like this. I do have a bit of consolation though! I didn't slip back into my depression over it and I have at least stayed busy! Imagine if I had been sedentary for the whole episode!! So, I am gonna just have to take another look at myself and find out why I "think" I need that junk food. This week will become self awareness week!!